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Dedicated September 2019

Father issues

Nadine, on August 31, 2019 at 3:29 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13

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I’m getting married in less than 2 weeks and my father thinks he’s walking me down the aisle. Backstory he and my mother divorced while my mom was still pregnant with me cause he was constantly cheating. He has never really been around especially when I was a kid. He would go years without contacting us and ignoring us when we’d try to contact him. My mom raised 3 kids on her own without any help from my father

He would only ever come around when he had a new gf to try and impress her. He has been married 6x and each time he’s had huge weddings. Each of those marriages he would treat his new wife and her kids like they were his world.
When my fiancé proposed I had always dreamed of having a big wedding. So I went out there and asked my father if he would help pay and he agreed. Even though he has helped a lot I can’t bring it to myself to allow him to walk me down the aisle. Am I wrong for this?

another thing is my uncle who loved my siblings and myself like they were his own, who showed us the love a father would have for his kids was supposed to walk me down aisle. He passed away earlier this year after being extremely sick for a short period and he would tell me every time I would visit him how sorry he was that he wouldn’t be there on my wedding day. He was my real dad. He was everything to me and my heart shattered when he passed. I feel like it would be spitting on my uncles memory if I allowed my father to walk me.

I don’t know what to do.

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13 Comments

Latest activity by Jessica, on September 1, 2019 at 1:34 PM

Super September 2021
Sharon · on August 31, 2019 at 3:52 PM
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Follow your heart. It's a tough situation because he's helping pay for your wedding but if you truly feel he doesn't deserve the honor to walk you down then don't have him walk you down. Have your mom or a brother if you have one. That honor should go to someone who has been there for your consistently throughout your life, not just when it was convenient for him. He'll probably be hurt and mad but you should be 100% comfortable with the person you choose to walk you down the aisle.
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on August 31, 2019 at 4:05 PM
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I don't know why you asked him to pay for part of the wedding, and then wouldn't have expected this. He seems to like the big to-do of weddings, and might not be receptive to what you say, especially depending upon how much he contributed. I would have your mom walk you down the aisle. If your uncle is your real dad, I think he'd be understanding, but unless you let your biological father walk you or at least give a toast, I think you might be in a tricky situation. I'd let your uncle toast you too.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on August 31, 2019 at 4:56 PM
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This is a really sticky situation since you went out of your way to ask him for money. I understand that he was an absent father and doesn't seem like your "real" dad, but you didn't have an issue asking him to pay for your wedding like a "real" dad." Do you still owe payments on things that he's contributing toward financially? You clearly need to have a talk with him ASAP so that hopefully this blows over by the wedding, but I would be prepared to make those final payments on your own.
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Master May 2019
Cyndy · on August 31, 2019 at 5:02 PM
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This is tricky since you asked for money. Maybe you could have your mom walk you down or a brother if you have one. Your dad May be ok with one of those options
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Super June 2021
Bird · on August 31, 2019 at 7:48 PM
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Maybe you can have your dad AND mom walk you down the aisle! A lot of weddings I’ve been to have both parents on either side of the bride 😃 you’re honoring your mom who raised you and honoring your dad by acknowledging his financial contribution.
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Devoted October 2019
Carol · on August 31, 2019 at 8:57 PM
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I have to agree with the others that it's a tough situation since you asked him directly for money. You may feel he owes you something after all the years of absence, but he's going to feel you owe him something, too, for paying for your wedding.

Maybe you could go the modern route and tell him you're not property and don't believe anyone should give you away, or something like that.
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Expert October 2019
Megan · on August 31, 2019 at 9:41 PM
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The uncle passed away... she feels like shes mocking his memory by allowing her biological father the honor of walking her since he was the father that her BD should have been.

I think there should have been a discussion BEFORE the passing of money about what his role was so there was no confusion. At this point, it could be fine or could be disaster. I hope everything turns out well and that your day is exactly as you wish it to be.
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Super September 2019
Paula · on August 31, 2019 at 10:34 PM
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That's a tough situation. I know it's different but if you're not comfortable having your dad walk you down the aisle then just have your mom escort you or walk down the aisle by yourself holding something that reminds you of your uncle. You can have a private conversation with your dad and explain why you chose your mom or chose to walk alone, hopefully he would understand.
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Devoted October 2019
Summer · on August 31, 2019 at 10:58 PM
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I would be straight up with him and let him know how you feel and see how he feels
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on September 1, 2019 at 12:15 AM
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Yikes. It’s not really appropriate to ask anyone to help pay for your wedding. But since you did, how about asking him since your mom will walk you down the aisle (if you prefer that), if he would like to do the traditional father-daughter dance it would make you really happy.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on September 1, 2019 at 1:29 AM
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I am very sorry for your loss. Off topic, there are little bouquet charms that hold tiny pictures of a loved one and they attach to your bouquet. It's symbolic of them walking down the aisle with you.
If you intend to walk down the aisle on your own, just tell your father that you're a modern woman and you'll be doing things the modern way.
Your asking him for money makes things tricky, and if you were going to have someone else walk you down the aisle, that would be even trickier.

I think you need to clear this up and be prepared to return the money. Better to have a smaller wedding and feel happy honoring your uncle's memory.
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VIP October 2019
Ivy ORP · on September 1, 2019 at 12:23 PM
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Even if your father gave you money for the wedding, that doesn't mean he has the right to insist he walk you down the aisle. You should choose someone who has been there for you. I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle and that he wasn't able to do this as you both hoped. You mentioned having siblings, would one of them be able to walk you down? You can also walk on your own or have your mother walk with you. Your father should understand that they played more of a role in your life and it would make sense that he take a step back in this.
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Dedicated September 2019
Jessica · on September 1, 2019 at 1:34 PM
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I had a very similar childhood, my bio father was never around, we would visit him due to court orders but that's about it. My father wasn't invited to the wedding and I haven't asked him to pay for anything though I felt he owed me something I never asked him for it. My uncle (his brother) is walking me down the aisle along with my Step-dad, both of them have been like real fathers to me and I've only known my Step dad for 6 years but he's made me feel like more of a daughter then my bio dad ever did, my uncle has always been there for me and helped raise me sometimes too so they get the honor or walking me.
Instead of walking alone or with your mom why not have your FH walk with you? Have him wait at the top of the aisle with his back facing you until the bridal party has passed then link arms and walk down together. Wear your uncle in a locket so you and FH knows whose really giving you away. Your in a tight spot right now that's the best thing I can think of its what I would do
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