Family wedding or Bachelorette (i’m the Moh)

Wow this one is a toughie, but I’m leaning towards the bachelorette party because you put that one in your calendar first. It’s not exactly the same situation, however funny enough my cousin’s baby shower ended up being the weekend of MY bachelorette. I’ve gone to everything else for her (wedding showers, wedding itself, birthdays, graduations) but I simply told my aunt “I’m sorry but I booked my bachelorette that weekend months ago”. They understood, but I know it’s not the same as a cousin’s wedding, so slightly different situation. Have you talked to the cousin or their family yet?

View Quoted Comment The wedding happening is my family. I talked to her and she said “I will tell you to just go to the wedding but this is my bachelorette that we’ve been looking forward to for years.” She also had dibs. Idk but some of me feels like a wedding is more important than her bachelorette party. She might not want to talk to me if I don’t go

A wedding always trumps a bachelorette. I know you're the one organizing this and you committed to it first, but a wedding is one of the very few things that trumps a bachelorette no matter what. A bach is an optional party that leads up to the wedding. The wedding is the real thing. You can always get wasted and party. You only get married once. It transforms your legal status, taxes, inheritance rights, etc. It's what gays and interracial couples have fought for the right to have. Witnessing the actual marriage is so significant that some people won't take a wedding seriously or even attend if the couple already did the legal part previously (for example, destination weddings, covid delayed weddings, or military couples getting married at the courthouse first and doing the wedding/vow renewal later)


You get ONE day for a wedding. If she stops talking to you over this, she's not worth your friendship. That would show you what kind of a friend she is. She is right to be disappointed, I am sure it won't be the same without you, but she should understand.
If you miss the wedding, you piss off your entire family. If you miss the bach, you piss off one bride.

I would apologize to your friend, and expect to commit to any nonrefundable money you already paid for your share.
Good luck

If I were in your situation, I would definitely find a good compromise! I agree with you going to the bachelorette party because that was planned first prior to your cousin’s wedding. You can always partake in your cousin’s wedding other ways (going to their bachelorette/bridal shower/still sending them a gift for their big day to congratulate them) that way you still include yourself some-way some-how in regards to your cousin’s wedding rather than not at all since your cousin is family.

I would probably go to the bach party because I committed to it first and you are MOH. This is a tricky decision though.

I would probably go to the bachelorette party since that was your first commitment. I personally think when you make a commitment like that you should see it through. With that being said, a wedding is a valid excuse to miss. If I were your friend I would be sad, but would respect your decision.

If you were the bride and your bff was in the same predicament, what would you want her to do. With that being said can you just attend the wedding and not the reception? Also if there is anyway possible to change the bachelorette party day to another weekend?

Is it possible to bump the bachelorette party to another weekend? Technically, the wedding is the "bigger" event, but the bachelorette party was scheduled first, and it would suck to do all that planning and not get to go. You could also see if you could attend the ceremony and then head off to the bachelorette party after (assuming there would be enough time to get there and still enjoy part of it). That would allow you to still attend the wedding, the bride and groom won't have to pay for an extra head at the reception, and you could still enjoy the party.

Is there any way at all to do both? Not sure if they are in the same location or close enough that you'd be able to travel between the two... for example, bach party Friday night/Saturday morning, wedding Saturday afternoon, back to the bach party Saturday night and Sunday? It sounds like a lot of traveling, but might be your best bet if you don't want to upset either of them. If you have to pick between the two, I would do the bachelorette party and explain the situation to your cousin for a few reasons: 1) you committed to it first 2) you're in charge of planning 3) if you are as close with your cousin/family as it sounds, they should understand (especially since they decided to rush the wedding and have to have some expectation that people won't be able to make it when they choose to have a rushed timeline like this). Have you tried talking to your cousin yet?

I think wedding trumps bachelorette for sure. You can't move the bach party date?

View Quoted Comment There’s no way to change it to another weekend. I wish that was a choice. They’re happening a 7 hour drive from each other. Even a flight isn’t possible.

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Oh, no! Since I really don't see a good way out of this situation without upsetting someone, I'd say go with your initial feelings from your previous post and attend the wedding.

I agree with what Willow said: "I would apologize to your friend, and expect to commit to any nonrefundable money you already paid for your share."

Good luck to you, I hope things work out for the best in this bad situation!

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I agree with this - while the bachelorette was organised first, in my books a wedding will come above most other events and if the bride is a good friend of hers, she would understand the predicament you are in and will not hold any hard feelings against you for attending the wedding.

I would definitely go to the wedding. I would continue to plan everything for the Bach and contribute your share of money but ultimately attend the wedding.

I'd go to the bachelorette. You already committed to it and the wedding seems to be on short notice. Maybe you could attend the ceremony virtually?

Ooof this is a tough one. You did already commit to the bachelorette party so I understand why the bride would be upset if you back out now. Are you super close to the family member getting married, would you really regret missing it. Good luck with your decision, I think if you don't go to the bachelorette party you should still contribute your share and offer to be of any assistance you can with the remaining planning.

Hmmm... this is a tough one, but I'll tell you what my fiance told me. I was super disappointed that everyone couldn't make the bach trip, but he said, people can come and go. You have your main people that will be there the whole time. And then you have people that may come for a day or two. Either way, you get to enjoy everyone at their leisure.

Is that something you can do? Go to the wedding then meet up with the girls the next day? Or leave the bach early and go to the wedding?

Honestly, I would talk to my cousin since she last-minute scheduled her wedding. I know for me I'd be like we can stream it for you. knowing how wedding planning has been all I can think about is seeing my BFF we have been friends for 19 yrs and I can't imagine her not being there. since it's last-minute I'm sure your family will understand that you already made plans. if not I would try to make them both happen. Maybe miss the day function but be there that night for my BFF.

I disagree with the people saying a wedding trumps everything. You were previously committed. You're HOSTING the bachelorette for the bride. You wouldn't organize, plan, and pay for your child's birthday party and then not attend for a wedding, right? I get that the wedding is family, but I have plenty of family not coming to my wedding for a variety of reasons. My cousins didn't attend my sister's wedding because of prior commitments. I would talk to your cousin and just say that as much as you love her and would love to be there to celebrate her, you already had prior plans that you're organizing and will sadly have to miss. You can offer to take her to dinner or something to celebrate either sometime before the nuptials or after. But I think it's worse to bail on your friend who you booked with first, and you are technically the host.

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I agree with this. It's undoubtedly a tough decision but since you already had an important event you planned to host on the calendar, I would regretfully decline the wedding invitation.

On another hand, what is your gut telling you to do? Think about years from now - what event will you regret missing the most? My guess would be the bachelorette weekend and not the wedding. I know my family would understand if I already had something else planned.