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Just Said Yes October 2021

Family wants my wedding in Hometown- help!

Keeley, on October 7, 2019 at 7:38 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 9

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I grew up in Maryland but left at 18 and went to college in Philadelphia. I lived there for 10 years, and met my now fiancé there. I moved to Ohio almost 3 years ago where we live, have a home, business, close friends a life here etc. my Family (still in MD) has visited once. We go to them every summer.
Three days after getting engaged they asked when I could “come home” to look at dresses, venues etc. how my mothers friends daughters have gotten married at such and such vineyard etc. I was surprised as we haven’t discussed anything prior, that they assumed I’d travel 6 hours each way, take time off etc. I expressed we want it here in ohio. I was told, for the first time, that they planned on paying for the wedding which I never assumed. If I insisted on it being in Ohio, I’d be met with great resistance and financial contribution would be considered. Am I to take this any other way than a financial threat?
It saddens us as it all came days after our engagement. We’re not lay down and take it people. We don’t want a fight, but we are more than willing to try and finance it all ourselves. I want to be the bigger person, but they are resisting participating in planning bc it’s not their way. I’ve gone ahead and started viewing venues here after not speaking about the matter since then. Any advice on how to proceed?
is it uncouth to ask if they want to contribute at all?
Thanks

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Mcskipper, on October 8, 2019 at 12:57 PM

Just Said Yes October 2021
Keeley · on October 7, 2019 at 7:41 PM
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I should add I. Was told it’s tradition we have it there. I don’t have close ties at all there. If anywhere else it would be Philly. It’ll be 13 years since I’ve lived there.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on October 7, 2019 at 8:04 PM
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It can't be too much of a tradition if you weren't aware of it.
I'd thank them for their offer to help pay for the wedding, but tell you and your FH have already discussed things, and will be having it in Ohio and paying for it yourselves.
There are so many threads on here about parents completely taking over because they're paying. Best to avoid that situation if possible! Then you get what you want.
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Just Said Yes October 2021
Keeley · on October 7, 2019 at 8:10 PM
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Thanks! Exactly my thoughts . It seems like they want to host their own party. They mentioned inviting family I haven’t seen in at least 10 years and friends of theirs I don’t know 🙉
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on October 7, 2019 at 8:48 PM
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It's your wedding and as adults, you and FH have the right to choose where you'll get married. However, I wouldn't bring up the subject of your family financially contributing. Paying for everything yourself is the only way to have things exactly as you'd like!
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Devoted October 2019
Summer · on October 7, 2019 at 11:37 PM
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I had a similar problem with my parents, they wanted it in there hometown instead of St Cloud (which is where half the guests live). We stuck with our venue choice with great resistance for the first couple of months, but they got the hint FINALLY that we weren't caving and they got back on board with us
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Expert August 2020
Heather · on October 8, 2019 at 8:39 AM
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If you didn’t know it was tradition, is it really a tradition? I mean it sounds like they are trying to financially hold it over your head. I would politely say, “Parents, I really appreciate that you want to help us out. We haven’t decided on a venue yet, but it is out of the way for us to travel back home, and it is not tradition for my FS. We will keep you updated”. They will get over it!
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on October 8, 2019 at 10:27 AM
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Heather makes an excellent point, OP! Other families have traditions, too. Maybe tell your parents that since you are forming a new "family" with FH, you will be creating your own traditions with him.
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January 2014
Pam · on October 8, 2019 at 12:08 PM
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A generation or two ago it was the tradition, but not so much now.
Don't ask them about contributing; that's really rude. If they want to, they'll let you know. I'm a big fan of the couple paying for their own wedding anyway especially since you're in your 30s, have an established life, business, etc. The family paying was because the bride was generally very young (often right out of school) and going directly from her home to her husband's home.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on October 8, 2019 at 12:57 PM
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Well it’s not a threat— if they want to contribute financially, they want to contribute to the wedding *they* want. It’s not unreasonable, but it’s not unreasonable to opt out. All money comes with strings. This one seems to be a pretty big one. It’s fine to plan the wedding you want where you want it, but you should accept that doing so realistically means the cost is on you. May be a bummer but it is fair. I would just presume that they’re not financing the wedding. If they decide later to contribute, it will be a nice bonus for you.
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