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Elissabeth
Dedicated March 2021

Family wants me to attend the wedding of a cousin who didn't attend mine

Elissabeth, on March 10, 2023 at 9:40 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6
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We finally got married last year after a rew reschedules due to lockdowns, family deaths, venue remodel, etc. When we finally got our date set, we sent out change the dates and called and messaged family to confirm they received them. This was a year before our wedding. During the final count of attendees for the vendors, we found out that less than half of my family that we invited would be attending. None of them RSVPed "No" so I had to message every one to find out if they were coming or not. A few I knew had a family emergency and another I knew had a new job but this particular cousin said she couldn't attend because she offered to dog sit for someone that day. She didn't send a gift, didn't send a card, didn't even message an acknowledgement when we forwarded our wedding favors to her and everyone else that couldn't make it. Fast forward to now and she's announced her wedding this September. She gave our grandma her guest list since grandma has all the family addresses and grandma told me that my husband and I should look out for the invite. I told my husband I wanted to be petty and just ignore the invite until the last minute then tell her no, but he insists we be bigger people and RSVP "No". Two days ago grandma was pressing me about putting in my time off request and I told her I wasn't going to be able to make it and apparently everyone in my family knows now. I didn't want to say why I really didn't want to attend because I knew it would start drama, so I gave other valid reasons I couldn't make it: I just started my new job, I don't have a dog sitter, it's on my birthday, etc., but my family has been twisting themselves in pretzels trying to find solutions to each excuse. There seems to be nothing I can tell them to dissuade them from trying to get me to attend. I don't know what to do!

6 Comments

Latest activity by Taylor, on March 11, 2023 at 1:30 AM
  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I understand how you feel as I also had a 2021 wedding. I have no sympathy for this cousin. She effectively ditched you for a dog that wasn't hers. Even worse if she was local family and didn't have to travel. If this cousin hasn't talked to you since then, then you're not friends. Decline an obligatory invite for appearances sake. If family asks again, tell them the real reason: you don't like her.

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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    This is where boundaries are important. "We're unable to attend and that's the end of this conversation. If you continue to bring it up, I'll have to end this conversation/call/visit." It doesn't matter why you aren't going- you don't owe anyone an explanation or continued conversations about it.
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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I agree with Sarah. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you aren't attending. If you give a reason why you can't go, people sometimes (mis)interpret that as you looking for solutions, and they'll try to come up with ideas so that you can go. If anyone asks why you aren't going, a vague reply along the lines of, "I have a prior commitment" and a change of topic should be sufficient.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece Online ·
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    I agree with Sarah and Lisa. You don’t owe them an explanation of why you are not attending. I would simply reiterate that you are not available that day and make it clear that will not change. Remember, it is an invitation, not a summons.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    The dog sitting excuse does sound somewhat lame if you sent invitations within the typical 6-8 week time frame and especially if it was a local wedding, but who knows what the whole or real situation there was. It’s easy to forget, but lot of people were and are still nervous about attending big weddings these days.
    Actually, etiquette does not require a gift if you don’t attend. Personally, I base wedding presents on the relationship, and like you would send regardless, but a lot of people don’t which is not rude. She should have RSVPed and sent good wishes along with her reply and yes, she should have at least acknowledged the favor you sent, but TBH I would never have have sent favors to people who did not reply or attend. Not that it’s technically wrong or inappropriate to send a gift for any reason but she and others might interpret that as a sort of dig.
    I can understand the feeling that she didn’t prioritize your wedding over a friend’s dog so why prioritize hers but I might consider attending to spend time with your grandma and the rest of the family and it’s very possible your cousin is just clueless.

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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2022
    Taylor ·
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    Are you guys close? Listen, I’m not close with my cousins. I think she should’ve rsvp’d but I’m someone that is very forgetful and life gets away from me often. Is it possible she just forgot about your wedding? I do think the dog excuse is lame but I had someone who I also think forgot about my wedding since I sent save the dates a year out and he planned a trip the same weekend. Since it’s your cousin and not like a sibling or best friend it wouldn’t personally bother me. We had people that didn’t come to our wedding and didn’t congratulate us and I didn’t take offense to it. I probably wouldn’t say anything if someone sent me the favor either. I might think it was kind of strange even though you meant it in a kind manner. I don’t know maybe people would think I’m rude. People have lives though and I’m not the center of their universe so people sometimes just forget things. I wouldn’t be petty about the rsvp. Since you had to hunt people down you should know that’s irritating. I would just be the bigger person here and you never know maybe your family also pressured her on who to invite like they’re pressuring you
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