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Just Said Yes October 2018

Family Problems

Paige , on July 2, 2018 at 11:34 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11

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Ok so long story short my dad does not like my step father one bit, doesn’t even want to be in the same city as him let alone the same room. He is willing to bite his tongue and coexist with him at my wedding (by coexist I mean pretend he doesn’t exist). Now the really tricky part - my mom wants my step father to be a big deal the day of the wedding. She wanted him to get a tux to match the bridal party and my dad, wants him to be announced as my step father and keeps hinting that she would love and he would love a step father daughter dance. I am not a huge fan of him, he has been in my life for 15 years and we get along but it’s on a “we have to basis”. He has never done anything special for me, has always made my full sister and I feel like guests at their home and like the lesser children (he has two kids with his ex as well). My mom is paying for most of our wedding, so I’m involving him in the aspect that he will be able to take some photos with us, he will get announced with my mom (not as step father just by name) and he is involved in the festivities. I cannot disrespect my dad by doing a dance with him or anything else, it would be different if we were close but as mentioned we aren’t so I don’t want to hurt my dads feelings in anyway that day and if my mom and him were to separate he would be nothing to me so I don’t feel that I need those memories with him at my wedding.

Here is my main issue:

I keep hinting to my mom that he is not being made out to be a special family member that day, that he is there as her person but nothing else. She keeps trying to find ways around it but I can’t bend the way I feel on these things. Until a few months ago I never even thoaight my dad would be at my wedding if he was there, so I can’t do anythig that I know will upset or hurt my father. How do I tell my mom this without coming across as a brat but in a way that is stern so hopefully she will understand?

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Paige , on July 4, 2018 at 1:31 AM

Dedicated August 2018
LaTasha · on July 2, 2018 at 11:55 PM
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This is just my opinion but if I were I your shoes, I would be VERY up front and direct with my mother. Your mother has to know and understand that if there is no special bond between you and this man, why on earth would u disrespect your father, your blood for a man that could walk out of your life tomorrow. The fact that he’s there is more than enough because again, he’s only there for the sake of your mother. Mom just needs to understand that this is the way you chose to handle this situation and support you even if she doesn’t agree.
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Devoted March 2019
Tori · on July 3, 2018 at 1:34 AM
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Yeah, you just need to be upfront and direct. It's going to be a tough conversation for sure. Especially since, she's paying for some of your wedding. Once people throw money in the pot they think they can do anything they want to. My fiance has a step-father, but his mom got remarried pretty recently so him and his sister call him they're mom's husband. They don't acknowledge him in that way. I asked if he should get a boutonniere and he said no way. Luckily his mom hasn't really mentioned anything about it yet. I have my step-mom who's been basically like a mother to me for almost 20 years. My mother and her will both be included because they're both special to me.
It's absolutely ridiculous your mom expects you to just blow your dad off and do a step-father dance. The father/daughter dance is such a meaningful, special moment. It is to be shared with whoever has been your constant, or your role model. Whether it's your dad, step-dad, brother, uncle, it doesn't matter. But you gotta be the one to say something. Shut it down before it gets out of hand.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 3, 2018 at 1:49 AM
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It’ll be tough but I agree to be very direct with her. No stepfather/stepdaughter dance unless YOU wanted it. Tell her to stop pushing because it makes you uncomfortable.

PS How wonderful your dad will be there! My parents are divorced but civil; I just made sure to put space between them at the dinner table. They each had a great time, especially meeting our friends or my hubby’s family.
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Dedicated August 2018
Sarah Katreen · on July 3, 2018 at 1:54 AM
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I just had this conversation with my dad. I told him that he and my mom would have bouteniers at our wedding (they have been divorced for nearly 37 years) and he asked if my step-mom would have one and I told him no, that we are keeping it to biological parents only. Both my parents remarried 2 years after the divorce and neither step parent has treated me well and I have always been 2nd class in comparison to their kids. No way am I honoring that behavior as that is an honor for my parents and they don't treat me as such. I think he was more upset at how she would react to that information but we are sticking to our decision. If they wanted to be honored at my wedding, they should have made different choices. Our day, our say.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 3, 2018 at 4:23 AM
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As PP have said, you will just need to be firm with her. Let her know that you're glad to have him there and to take pictures together as a family, but that you will be doing the traditional father-daughter things with your biological father. If you get push back, ask her how she would feel if your dad was remarried and you did special things for your stepmom at the wedding. That may be harsh, but it will put it into perspective.
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Expert May 2018
LIZ · on July 3, 2018 at 4:50 AM
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I am sure mom feels if she is paying for most that she should be able to direct your day too. There could be many reasons why she is pushing all these things on you, and I do not want to speculate what her motive is. Regardless, she should know that there is not a close bond between you and her husband. (Thou sometimes people do not see this)
Have a chat with mom. Let her know exactly why he will not be a part of... (a, b, c, ...) and that you wish to not discuss it again. But, be prepared for her to say she is not paying her amount anymore. Not saying she WILL pull her financial support out, but she could. Maybe even remind her that she had her wedding day, now it's your turn... I wish you all the luck, this won't be an easy chat, but you do need to do it.
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VIP July 2018
The Nuptials · on July 3, 2018 at 7:50 AM
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Do as you please, but be prepared for the money to disappear. She pays, she says. Which is unfortunate given the circumstances.
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Just Said Yes July 2018
BrideNGroom · on July 3, 2018 at 10:52 PM
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Unless you REALLY DON'T WANT to dance with your stepfather, just add that as an extra dance into the program. Still do the traditional father-daughter thing, but add the stepdad in later. My oldest daughter was married 6 years ago, and both myself and her mother have been divorced and remarried for years and years. Both I and her stepfather walked her down the aisle (different parts), but then we get along great, so it's not some sort of awkward situation. If your real dad loves you, he will understand, since the guy has been in your life for 15 years. I certainly did and it was about that long for us, too.
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Just Said Yes October 2018
Kate · on July 4, 2018 at 1:10 AM
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I'm having a lot of stepparent issues with my wedding. In my case, my mom has passed, and my stepmother thinks she should have the role of 'mother of the bride' which isn't going over well with my mom's parents who are paying for the wedding. Fun times.
If you have a relationship with a stepparent and want to include them, that makes sense. What I don't agree with is including the stepparent for the sake of appearances or because that's what you are 'supposed' to do. My stepmother and I don't have a mother/daughter relationship, but now that I'm getting married she's supposed to fill that role because she's married to my dad? I don't think so.
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Beginner September 2018
Laura · on July 4, 2018 at 1:23 AM
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I agree with this 100%, although it depends on the relationship you have with your mom, obviously.
Perhaps you could suggest a compromise, and explain to your mom that you want to give your stepdad a special part but do not want to upstage your actual father. Maybe you could give your stepdad a reading to do as part of the ceremony, or some other honor like that? For the dance, maybe you could say that you do not want a formal stepdad/stepdaughter dance, but you promise to save a dance for him at some point in the evening.
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Just Said Yes October 2018
Paige · on July 4, 2018 at 1:31 AM
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Thank you so much everyone! I had a talk with my mom earlier and explained that I’m not taking her husband away from her but I just want to honor my mom and dad that day. That come the end of the day it is my wedding and I have enough stress leading up to the day with trying to keep my dad and step dad apart and I really don’t want the added stress of making her happy on top of it. I explained to her as well that if my step father and her spilt tomorrow I would have no emotional ties to him and I don’t feel that I should go out of my way to make special memories with someone I feel that way about on my wedding day. Upon explaining that I am not taking him away from her, he will still escort her down the aisle, he announced with her at the reception and be involved for pictures she seemed happier. Plus I am giving her a mother daughter dance to try to make her feel better about everything so fingers crossed nothing changes between now and then!
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