Family not invited - do they come to the engagement party?

No. Don't invite the toxicity to any of your events.

If you're concerned about COVID, why would you have an engagement party now? It's rude to invite someone to an engagement party or shower without inviting them to the wedding. You can't know if COVID will still be an issue in a year for the actual wedding so they may expect an invite.

View Quoted Comment The engagement party is completely virtual, so no spreading of the virus 🤷🏽‍♀️ i refuse to not have an engagement party especially when there are resources to be with my family virtually. Didnt know how rude it was because I've been invited to engagement parties and not the actual wedding of people sooo I wanted to make sure before I just up and invite someone.

View Quoted Comment Thank you, just wanted to be sure that I'm not obligated.

First off not sure why you would send them something like that because that sounds extremely especially because no one knows what restrictions will be in place next year. Second it is also extremely rude to invite someone to any pre-wedding event if they aren't invited to the wedding.

Congratulations on your engagement!!


Anyone who is invited to any of the pre-wedding parties (engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc) should also be invited to the wedding too. It sounds like you're concerned that they may potentially cause a problem at your engagement party - in that case (and also because you said you're not planning to invite them to the wedding), I wouldn't invite them to the engagement party or any other wedding-related party.

View Quoted Comment Oh, that makes more sense. But I still think if the wedding is in a year, you probably won't be able to use COVID as an excuse. So if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't invite them to the engagement party either.

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I've seen forums and blogs where this is something you can send to family who will knowingly ask why they are not invited and this would assist in letting them know that they were thought of as least. I'm new at this and have been invited to pre-wedding events without being invited to the actual wedding so you kind of can't blame me for being curious on how this works.

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Thank you for your straight forward answer. I was just curious and didn't want to seem to not invite them to anything. I'll just not invite them. Your answer is much appreciated.

View Quoted Comment I think it would be more offense to send them something like that than just not inviting them. If you haven't already sent it I would recommend that you don't. If they wonder why they weren't invited they might ask and at that point I would blame it on the size of your venue or your budget rather than Covid since no one knows what Covid will be like next year. Whoever invited you to pre-wedding events and not the actual wedding were wrong for doing so.

View Quoted Comment You are never obligated to invite anyone except whomever *you* want in attendance. Your wedding, your choice. Other people's opinions do not apply.

Did you already send Saves for a larger wedding you are cutting back on? If you have, and there are a bunch of people nw out, like from 60 to 30, you owe them a personal apology, a note, or talking to them in person or on the phone....But this sounds like they never were officially invited, and they won't be. You never send notice to those are not being invited. Invite who you invite. If they come after you asking why, then you say, with Covid around we decided to have very few guests. That is it. But you do not include them in engagement, shower, bridal tea, any pre-wedding parties if you are not inviting them to either the wedding or a reception to follow. And you do not talk about who you are or are not inviting, except to immediate family who are in on the planning. Unless someone has a specific question, like, my hubby will be taking the car to a conference, do you think cousin Shirley...Then you need to say, we did not invite extended blah blah covid. Or more important, suggest who they might ask. The greater their likelihood of being unpleasant, the more careful you should be about not talking about them, and not talk about the wedding when they are present. Some people seem to think they are the most wanted person on every guest list, and are never gracious about it.

View Quoted Comment There are a lot of things like this, where the writer seems to think something a good idea, and everyone seamss to agree. Then it backfires on a few people, and they say, maybe I should have thought it through. But a thousand people read the column, and now they think it is fine. This one comes up a lot.

No ma'am don't do that. Wouldn't they be moochy there too?

View Quoted Comment I think that sounds like a good plan! As one other thing, you said you'd be sending them a note to say they won't be invited due to COVID. Have you sent the note yet? If not, I recommend that you instead don't send one. Those type of notes would be a good idea if you had already sent out Save The Dates and then later were forced to downsize the guest list. However, if you haven't sent a Save The Date to them or otherwise promised them an invite, then you don't need to send a note to explain why they're not invited.

No don't invite them to ntn if all they wanna do is mooch & talk about u...

We were invited to an engagement party (pre COVID) went, spent money on a small gift, spent time with the couple (cousin of my husband) and then were not invited to the wedding. It felt like a snub and definitely affected our relationship with them. I think that it's a good rule of thumb to not invite someone to a pre wedding event if they will not be on the wedding guest list.

Nope, if they are troublemakers you won't want them at any of your events.