Family Member in AA

Part of being in recovery is learning to be around alcohol without being tempted.

Tell the bartenders not to serve him. But your dad is an adult, and if he's chosen this route, he's not going to let a wedding set him back in progress.

My dad is(was) an alcoholic and quit before I was born. He just learned to control himself. It's hard but BMG is right, if he is ready and has chosen to be sober, this will not set him back and he will get through it. Just remember, as much as you love your dad, he is an adult and you can't be around for every situation. Good luck to him, it's a tough road. I hope he succeeds and does well

A someone who also has an alcoholic father all I can say is -

I'm so glad your dad has decided to get help. Mine is still stuck in the promising, denial, anger, promising, rinse and repeat stage. He's angry when we try to get him to stop, he blames everyone but himself. Lies to my mother and my sister and I. He's become so bad that I have told him to sober up, or don't show up - ever again. At all. At any point in my life.

That being said, your dad is probably going to be uncomfortable, no matter what. The alcohol will be a huge temptation, all night. Friends will probably hand him drinks to congratulate him on the marriage of his daughter. He is just going to need to find a way to cope or excuse himself a little early to get away from the temptation. Bartenders keeping an eye on other guests won't be much use. What can they do? Tell the guests no? Not really. I would honestly just suggest he leave the reception after you've had your dance. I know it's not the fun way, but it's the safe way. My parents will probably leave early (if my dad is allowed to attend at an all) so that he doesn't look like a drunken piece of shit in front of my in-laws. (Which is exactly what would happen. No, I'm not being harsh).

Same here. But recently relapsed after over a year so nervous on what he will do at my open bar.

Luckily, I'm having a small wedding with just family so I'm not worried too much about people not knowing (save my FH's family). I don't mean I want to tell the bartender not to serve him but to not let anyone get obliterated. I'd rather cut off obviously drunk people than be mostly sober myself with my sober family surrounded by very very drunk guests.

@Jeannette I'm worried about that too to a certain extent. I work in mental health so I'm aware of the likelihood of relapse. I'm just glad he has a support system and goes to meetings regularly. I think I'm going to tell him that if he does not to leave early that it's ok with me. His recovery is more important than one night.

Is your dad married? If not, even if no one else gets a plus one, give him one, and see that he has someone to help him, and help deflect questions about having a drink.

Maybe have some cool signature non alcoholic drinks ... my dad always orders pineapple juice w a splash of cranberry that's his signature non alcoholic drink

Most properly certified bartenders will cut someone off and not let them get that drunk. In many places they can not only lose their jobs, but be partially responsible if some was in a drunk driving incident for example and be charged in relation to it.

Yes I'd give the coord/bartenders a heads up, but I'd also do my best to keep his glass full with water, soda, coffee, non-alcoholic sparkling cider (for toasting) or whatever else he'd prefer so that way he's never without a drink as well.

I was going to say the same thing as @OGA. That would be a really kind gesture.

IMO you should talk to him. Tell him your concerns and ask him if there's anything you can do to help. Let him know his sobriety is important to you. I grew up with an alcoholic step dad and it was a rough time for us all, he chose the alcohol over us and I'm ok with it now but if he would of choosen sobriety I know id do anything I could to keep him sober. So I understand your worry, but at the same time he has to keep choosing to be sober and your wedding shouldn't stop him from choosing sobriety. Let him know how much it means to you, and how he is a better man for it.

Maybe you can also limit alcohol, that's what I'm doing during the reception we are doing wine, chapagne toast, and beer. No hard liqueur. I'm going to have a personal bottle for after the reception as I don't want to drink much during the reception, fh and I will have a few drinks in our room and relax.

First off that's awesome for your dad. My dad is an alcoholic and his whole family knows it but he doesn't think there is a problem. He has embarassed me so many times due to alcohol and I'm hoping my wedding isn't next, however, I'm pretty sure it will be. I had a manager who was a recovering alcoholic and he went to our holiday parties and was offered drinks and shots. If people kept offering he simply said he is a recovering alcoholic and the others reactions were "I'm sorry. I didn't know." His response was always that it is a part of recovery to deny the drinks and it was fine. He didn't take offense and he wouldn't tell you the first time he was recovering but if it kept getting pushed he gave the reason why he couldnt. I couldn't stand this manager, he hated me and always found my mistakes, however,I gained the utmost amount of respect when I saw this happen.

Have some O Douls there and talk to your dad about it. See what he is comfortable with. He is the only person who can help himself, it won't matter what you do. Alcohol will be around the rest of his life and he will have to learn to adjust, but the level of adjustment could be different as to where he is in his recovery.

We have a couple of family members who are not just alcoholics, but whose behavior can get disruptive when drinking. As we're touring venues, we're inquiring about what we can expect from the bartender services. I imagine this is pretty standard in a lot of places, but bartenders must be licensed so will have dealt professionally with binge drinking and knowing when to cut someone off. We're told it's also not unheard of to brief the bartender on potential issues, though it sounds like it's less common to point out specific individuals.

As for how to make an individual with alcoholism more comfortable about an event, I recommend being sensitive to a focus on drinking, even if it's just avoiding a joke from the DJ ("Grab a drink then grab your dancing shoes") or a cute sign ("Bar menu: because no good story ever started with a salad"). Provide non-alcoholic beverage options both at the bar and at a separate station, and maybe skip table wine service or hard liquor altogether.

One of our favorite venues we're considering is a winery, so I'm really thinking through how we can be respectful to sober guests, and if we really meaningfully can be.

Inviting his sponsor is a great idea, if he'd be up for that.

FWIW, O'Doul's has alcohol in it.

That's awesome that your father is working on his recovery! I'm sending him good vibes...because it will always be difficult. If It were easy, no one would have a problem with alcohol and other addictions. My mother was an addict and some of my family members have long-lasting troubles with addiction. Just as Bemyguest said, he's got to learn how to live in the world with alcohol. He's changing himself and has no control at all about what others do with it. I don't think you should have a dry wedding or anything. Maybe you can speak to him and let him know alcohol will be there. Let him know he can leave early or whatever and you won't be offended/hurt by it.

Even though I have people in recovery/addicts coming to my wedding, I'm still having alcohol. I'll just request that the bartender be mindful about serving too much to people/keep an eye out if someone gets drunk. I don't know...I was thinking about setting up an amount on Uber (to make sure if someone has had too much to drink/they can get home safely). We can't control what adults want to do. I've been involved with addiction with my mom and it was sucky. I've been to AA/CA/NA meetings and ala-teen etc. I'm not religious by any means, but always liked the serenity prayer that was said at many of them: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I wish you well and hope your wedding day is awesome/drama free!

Would it help him to have his sponsor there?

I'm not sure he has a sponsor yet since he is still new to the program and he is a fairly private person. I think a stranger at such a small event would invite more questions than he's like, also. I really like the idea of a non-alchoholic signature drink. Both of us are big fans of iced tea/lemonades so I think I'll add that as one of our signature drinks. Thanks for all the support, it really means alot!

First of all, I salute your father for realizing that the bottle is in his control. It has no power to rule his life unless he allows it to do so.

Your bartenders will watch the other guests (liability is a huge issue). So, don't worry about that. Having a recovery alcoholic in the midst is something your bartender should be apprised of. How does that reality affect every other guest at your wedding? It doesn't. To cut off alcohol would be the equivalent of cutting off dessert because you had an uncontrolled/sort of controlled diabetic on the guest list. Tell your licensed and insured bartender not to serve your father. That's all you can do. Your father will have to accept the fact that he lives in a alcohol laden world. Every restaurant he attends will present a server who begins with, "Can I start you off with drinks?". Those who are committed to their sobriety will answer, "Diet coke with lemon" or some other non-alcoholic selection.

A wedding without alcohol is far different from a wedding that is serving alcohol -- even if it's light alcohol (like wine or beer). Your father will either rise to the occasion or he won't -- and if he doesn't, that is not your fault.

If he has to leave early to attend a meeting, so be it. If he wants his sponsor to be his plus one, so be it.