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Expert October 2020

Family is making me feel bad

Futuremrsm, on February 10, 2020 at 10:46 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8

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So FH and I are paying for our own wedding. The only people we have involved with planning really are my mom. My bridesmaids and FH mom.

My mom is only really involved in dress stuff since she bought it. FH mom was involved in booking the venue for the bridal shower, and helped me with addresses for FH side of the family. Bridesmaids are handling my shower. Other than that, all other planning is being handled my myself and my FH. My dad and step mom, who are grown adults, were complaining to my sister (not me) that they have no idea when the bridal shower is, and they have no idea what's going on with planning. I tried to involve my step mom by asking her if she wanted to come to a dress fitting which she declined, and I invited her to get ready with me my mom and the bridesmaids the morning of the wedding, she also declined. I have already asked my dad to walk me down the aisle, and they have recieved a save the date in the mail. The bridal shower date hasn't been announced yet because it was literally picked 2 weeks ago and it will be months before invitations are sent out. Plus, it's not my job to tell anyone when my own shower is since I'm not planning it.

I told both of them they are more than welcome to help with planning, but all offers to help with activities have been declined by them. I'm not sure what I'm expected to do in this situation. Complaints for not being involved enough when almost no family is involved anyway.
I'm just going to leave it alone since they cant be grown and say any of this to me directly. If anyone has read other posts of mine, I've stated before that they both caused me really bad childhood trauma, so let's say they should be honored to even be invited to the wedding, let alone invited to pre-wedding activities.
I should have just eloped!!

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Private User, on February 10, 2020 at 5:42 PM

Devoted August 2020
Kendra · on February 10, 2020 at 12:09 PM
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People not wanting to be involved in the planning then complaining is SO frustrating. It's like...I've asked you if you wanted to help and then no response or such a lack of response it's annoying.

My family hasn't been super involved but my in-laws have been. I usually go to my FMIL to ask what she thinks since my mom has been unhelpful. Oh well. They will be at the wedding and if they don't like it, they can keep their mouths shut or be asked to leave. I'm not spending all this money just to have them rain on my parade.
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Super February 2020
Kaysey · on February 10, 2020 at 12:12 PM
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I went through a similar issue while planning my wedding. But it was with my brother's wife. I invited her to do everything but she either never responded or said no. Apparently she's mad at me for something that I had no control over with family stuff, so it's whatever. In the end, you've done all you can do. You can invite them to things but if they decline, that's on them, not you. Don't let them make you upset or wish you would've chosen to elope. Your wedding should be about you and your FH. If members of your family are making it difficult, do your best to not let it bother you. Focus on you and your FH.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 10, 2020 at 1:01 PM
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Honey why do you are? It sounds like they have been horrible since childhood so the fact that you are inviting them at all is nicer than I would be. I would ignore it. Roll your eyes and keep moving. They clearly are not being the best people and they did not have the (insert inappropriate word) to say it to your face so let them gossip. It sounds to me like those that truly care about you are supporting you and let that be your focus when others are not. Honestly I would not have your stepmom at the shower...give her a real reason to talk crap. But that is just me as I have very little patience for grown folks that do not know how to act.
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Expert October 2020
Futuremrsm · on February 10, 2020 at 1:12 PM
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Its bothering me because my sister is telling me about it and making me feel like I'm wrong. She said that our dad has a right to be mad at my FH because he didnt "ask my dads permission" to propose to me. I tried to explain to her I told FH I didnt want him to ask my dad, and she said that that was wrong and I cant be upset that my dad is being childish about it. It's all one big cluster of crap I dont want to deal with. Every time I think I have emotionally healed everyone has to bring up situations and always make me feel like I'm the one that's wrong. When in reality I'm trying to forgive people that have never even said sorry to me. It's so frustrating! I'll get through it but I know it will annoy me up until the wedding day
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 10, 2020 at 1:18 PM
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I would talk to your sister and tell her that she can I differ on the relationship with dad and it is what it is but that as of right now the last thing you need is her criticizing you too. Let her know that she is making you feel bad and from this point on please keep her opinions to herself and if she gets mad deuces to her too. No one should make you feel bad and if you are not that tight with your dad and you told your FH not to ask then dad needs to get over it. If they have a problem with you two then none of them need to come to the wedding in my opinion.
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Master November 2019
Mrs. S · on February 10, 2020 at 1:51 PM
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I would let their complaints go in one ear and out the other. It sounds like you’ve done more than enough.
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Expert August 2020
Jodie · on February 10, 2020 at 2:00 PM
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I personally would tell them if they'd like to complain about the wedding, do it to you so when they complain that they aren't involved enough you can point out the various times they've chosen not to participate. And furthermore, your parents don't own you. You're an adult. You don't need anyone's permission to get married. This isn't the olden days where that was more common practice. Tell them to get over themselves and act like grown ups or you will be happy to rescind their invitations.
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Dedicated September 2020
Private User · on February 10, 2020 at 5:42 PM
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I should have eloped too! Let it be. Just continue to do your planning without them. If they do not show up to any pre-wedding activites or can't contact you to offer to help. It's not worth stressing.
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