Hannah
Savvy October 2022

Family invited their friends without permission

Hannah, on January 14, 2022 at 10:21 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 7
Saved
Reply

I have posted on here about this before but honestly situation kinda changed and i cannot find my post but...

my mother brought up yesterday how her friends said they would help to do the day of coordinating (they all work in weddings). Right then and there i was confused as to what she was talking about because they were not on the invite list. The only time i have heard her mention her friends coming was on thanksgiving where i was bombarded with her talking about how she could not imagine the wedding without her friends there and was not going to discuss this in front of 20 of my family members so just kinda ignored her and continued my conversation. But when she brought it up i said they were never invited not sure why she would be inviting her friends without talking to me first. We have a limit of 85 because we just want family there and cause of covid. We do not even have all of our family and closest friends invited to our wedding and she wants to invite 8 more friends (i already okayed 2 because she is my godmother so 10 total). I have not seen most of these friends in about 5-10 years except for a passing hello at Walmart and they are not in my life except for my moms stories and through Facebook. I dont want them there and i even okayed a few because shes helping with some costs about 2k out of 10k. I told her no and gave her many reasons as to why it was just not the best to add more people let alone we do not even have all of our own friends and family invited. She just said she would pay for all of them and it would be fine just add them all. meaning i would be adding another table to the wedding, food, drinks, dessert and more people when we wanted a small wedding with all the important people there. She said that if they were not invited it would be a problem for her and that she has put in a few thousand dollars already and she could not ask them to work the wedding if they were not invited. ( i never asked her to have them work the wedding) She said she was not asking for too much and it is a reasonable ask and there are 7 kids anyways they wont eat or have dessert they are ages 1-7 so i mean imma call crap on that one but thats not the point of the argument. My main issue is that she invited them without asking and then almost made it seem like if they werent invited she was done helping plan and with money kinda. my FMIL bless her my FH side of the family has just helped and said whoever we want there is whats important and we have even asked about if there was anyone they wanted there and the answer was its not our wedding our friends dont need to come.


Sorry for the rant but honestly just dont feel this getting fixed in my favor without it costing me a few thousand to pay her back what she has helped with. and everything for the wedding is stored at her house so i feel like she may possibly just start getting rid of things if i dont go remove them from the house or she wont let me take it. im ready to cancel this whole thing and for it to be over with all because of my own mother.... sucks but the truth. She has pulled in my grandmother anytime i stand my ground to tell me that i am being ungrateful and rude to my mother. But that is always what I have been to them is no matter what ungrateful. but that is not a discussion for wedding wire probably for a therapist...lol. help just need someones opinion. I know what needs done but im pretty sure if i stand my ground shes just gonna say she wont be there and that will suck but whatever i guess.

7 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, yesterday at 5:46 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I am obviously not sure what kind of relationship you hope to have with your mother after this, but if it were me, I’d go get all the stuff I was storing in her house and hand her money back to her and plan the wedding I wanted. Setting and maintaining boundaries with people, including parents, is vital to your emotional and mental health. Your mom is clearly okay with holding her contribution over your head and is willing to get other family members involved to get her way. That’s not someone I would want to devote my energy to.
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
    • Flag
    I agree with Sarah. It seems as though your mom will continue to hold her contribution over your head to get what she wants. If you're not OK with what she's requesting, then I would return the money to her, pick up all the wedding stuff from her house so that it's in your possession, and pay for/plan your wedding for how you want.
    • Reply
  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    Wow, I am so sorry. Your mother is being absolutely childish, selfish and unreasonable (and tbh, a bit cruel). If you absolutely do not want these friends at your wedding (which sounds completely reasonable, considering you have had to cut your own friends and family from the guest list) they do not need to be invited. What all do you have stored at your mothers house? Would you be able to quickly gather those items and put them in your vehicle? If you are not going to invite her friends, and you think your mother would be malicious with your wedding items, I would most certainly not give her any heads up about it, and just go to her home and remove the items before telling her that her friends are not invited. You could say something to the effect of wanting to keep everything together so nothing gets lost. Or that it is easier to make decisions about purchasing items if you have all your wedding items at your home to look at/reference. Or if she has your decor, you could say you want to do a mock up of your wedding and play around with different setups. Whatever it takes to nonchalantly get your items from her home. I would then wait a week or so before telling her that her friends are not invited. You have given her very valid and logical reasons these people would not be invited to your wedding- I would reiterate all of these things to her when you break the news, and end it with something along the lines of “As a mother, I assume the happiness of your daughter on her wedding day is more important than a guest list; and that you will support me in this decision.”
    • Reply
  • Hannah
    Savvy October 2022
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I have all of my decorations, flowers, almost everything for the entire wedding there. I live an hour away and we are doing the wedding in our hometown cause it was just easier for us to travel vs every person. She has paid for a lot of it because she hasn't really asked she has just been purchasing the things that I said i wanted for the wedding and that was it. So i would feel weird taking all the stuff from her house because she has paid for most of it....but it was kinda at her own decision not mine. She has my bouquets which she also paid for cause that was what she was covering was the flowers, decor and officiant. I am pretty sure that if i decide that she cannot have her friends at the wedding she wont be coming because she cannot "fathom the idea of not having her best friends of 30 years by her side that day" and that i am leaving out important people of the wedding. unfortunately my father will just take her side in the matter and my entire family supports her because she has talked bad about me to everyone so i am just going to look like the bad guy no matter what i do. Christmas was "ruined and i am ungrateful" because i did not want to have 5 people yelling at me over how i was opening a cricut i got for Christmas and i told them all to stop yelling at me and i am an adult and can handle a knife. I also wasn't overjoyed and happy their entire day with all my gifts i had gotten also which made her upset. i had just had my second miscarriage so Christmas was hard. I am honestly ready to cut ties with them but my 15 year old sister is still there with them and i cannot abandon her with them she is treated the same way

    • Reply
  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment



    Yet she can fathom the idea of making her daughter miserable, and/or not seeing her get married?! That is really messed up. I guess this is going to boil down to whether you want to potentially cut ties with your mother and have to repurchase the items she paid for (or scale back significantly on flowers and decor in order to make it more affordable)…. or “suck it up” and cater to your mother’s selfish requests in order to avoid conflict. Neither option is pleasant or fair to you. And I’m so sorry you are being placed in that position
    • Reply
  • Candace
    Devoted March 2022
    Candace ·
    • Flag
    I'm really sorry that you're going through all this. You mentioned that you probably should be talking to a therapist about this in jest, but honestly I think therapy would be very helpful. You don't need to work this out all our on your own, especially with the gaslighting coming from your mom and the trauma you've been through from miscarriage. Wedding planning is stressful enough. You have every right to have control over wedding guests and details.
    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Master November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    Yes, I agree therapy might be really good for you. Sounds like you like to keep the peace by kowtowing to your mother's whims.

    If it were me, I'd cancel the wedding, give her money back, get the items from her that are stored, and plan a wedding that you want.

    Money comes with strings. With this type of person, the only thing to do is to decline money and don't explain your decisions. If you give reasons for saying no, she'll find a way around it, which is why she's offering to pay for these people to attend. The line you need to memorize is "we can't accommodate ..... " or "that won't be possible and is not up for discussion".

    No is a complete sentence.

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics