We're here to help you keep moving forward, no matter what your plans are.

Allyson
Devoted February 2020

Family Frustrations (long vent)

Allyson, on November 22, 2019 at 6:13 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16
Saved Save
Reply

I need to vent for a second. I'm so upset that I can't really think about anything else right now. Really long post ahead so thanks if you even get through it! It's more for myself and a therapeutic experience. Maybe some of you have gone through something like this and can relate?


My wedding is officially 3 months away and we are in the thick of final planning details. I've been talking with my 2 aunts and uncles during the whole process and they have been so eager to talk, get excited, and also judge everything. I have an extremely small family, so the only ones that would be there on the day would be my parents, my brothers, my dad's two brothers and their children (those 2 aunts and uncles), and my grandmother on my dad's side. 11 people. It isn't much, but it's all we've got, and I've been really looking forward to having them even though we have NOT always gotten along. They're not very good people, but they try; we have our ups and downs for sure. I spent a lot of time with them growing up at family dinners and holidays together. I even asked one of my cousins to be the ring bearer, and aunt #2 (his mom) so ecstatically accepted. I live in FL with my FH and they live in MI; we are having a FL wedding, but everyone has been aware of this for a whole year now and hasn't put up any fuss or opposition whatsoever. Not one word.


About a month ago, I receive the news through my parents (not through RSVP or even just a phone call to me, eye roll) that aunt&uncle #1 are not coming to the wedding. They decided to plan their honeymoon at the last second and take all of their time off for that. Although annoying because he's my favorite uncle and my date was planned way before they even spoke about getting married (they had their wedding in June), it's understandable. Of course their own honeymoon is more important to them and they need their time off for those special events. So, now we're down to 8 family members attending the wedding. But not to worry, son of #2 is the ring bearer, they will be there for sure.


Okay, here's the kicker. I've been texting said aunt #2, the mother of the ring bearer (Preston), about what he will wear in the wedding. First of all, this woman married into the family and no one likes her. She forces fake niceness on all of us, showering with compliments, and then talking crap about us behind our backs. She is a very bad mother, begging Preston to stop hitting and behave instead of actually parenting him. He's now 8 years old and is still a terror. My grandmother can't stand them and they get on everyone's nerves. However, although a crappy person, she has proven reliable when it comes to important life events. She always gets excited and acts very supportive and like she cares (even though she said, "why are you having a bridesman in your wedding??? is he gonna wear a dress too??" cue second eye roll), so there was no doubt in my mind that they would be present.

Anyway, she told me just a few days ago that she loved the outfit that I picked for her son to wear in the wedding. She has also been speaking to me about getting them a discounted Disney resort (I'm a cast member) for the duration of their stay. She is only interested in the most expensive deluxe Disney Resorts and is very wealthy, so she can definitely afford the trip. Then yesterday, I asked her when she thinks she'll be able to pick up his outfit. She responds, "Hi Allyson. Unfortunately, Preston's spring break is the week before your wedding. Unfortunately, not sure if we are going to be able to make it. I wish your wedding was on a weekend. Let me talk to your uncle and get back to you soon."


OKAY let's unpack that real quick

1. They have known the wedding date for one entire YEAR. It's not a surprise, we are three months away and you just realized that it's on a Thursday?? Our venue is two thousand dollars cheaper on Thursdays and we are paying for it entirely by ourselves (we live paycheck to paycheck so it's taking a lot to pull it off.) My FH has an enormous family and they are all managing to make it on a Thursday (with children), and all of our friends have RSVP'd despite the fact that we are all adults and have jobs and responsibilities. I get that a lot of people say that you can't expect guests to travel on Thursdays, but honestly when you have a year in advance, you have time to prioritize and account for one Thursday off. I stand firm on our Thursday choice.

2. They constantly pull their son out of school. They will pull him out for weeks at a time to take leisure trips to my aunt's family cabin, Cabo, you name it. They let him stay home from school if he simply whines (again, he is badly behaved), so school has never been an issue in any other scenario.

3. He is IN THE WEDDING!! Why did you accept the ring bearer proposal?! You're leaving me without a ring bearer just a few months before! I know that to some it doesn't feel last minute, but it feels extremely last minute to us. That is so rude and inconsiderate. Why have you been speaking with me about this for a year and getting involved if you're going to text me, not even call me, not even text first might I add, but send a RESPONSE to my text about an outfit saying that you don't think you can come?

4. My only family attending (most likely) now is my parents, two brothers, and grandma. That's 6 people. I'm so sad.


I'm not looking for advice because I know my family and how my aunt is, I already responded with a very blunt and honest message about how ridiculous it is and how upset it makes me. I just really needed to write about this so that I can try to unload it off of my mind. I am so hurt and this is such a slap in the face; you can't choose your family and they really get on my nerves, but I wanted to include them and it's so important to have them there for my special day. Even though we have our ups and downs, we are family and they acted so much like this would be a priority for them. If they truly don't show, it will draw a line in the sand forever.


I'd really like to know if anyone relates.

16 Comments

Latest activity by Anita, on November 26, 2019 at 10:36 AM
  • M
    Expert September 2020
    Marcia ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry they are behaving so inconsiderately.


    I don’t have any advice but I feel bad for you.
    • Reply
  • Alma
    Devoted June 2020
    Alma ·
    • Flag

    I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope that they will come to there senses and make it to your wedding day. Sending you positive vibes!

    • Reply
  • Allyson
    Devoted February 2020
    Allyson ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you so much for being supportive. Sometimes it helps a lot just to hear that yes, people are treating you badly and no, you aren't being crazy. I appreciate you.

    • Reply
  • Allyson
    Devoted February 2020
    Allyson ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kindness.

    • Reply
  • Laura
    Dedicated July 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry you're going through this. This should be an exciting time and it's such a shame that they are doing this to you. I have a small family too. I only have 6 people: My parents, one set of grandparents, one uncle, one brother. Try not to let it bother you. Have fun with the people that are choosing to be there, the ones taking the time off from work, school, everything. They are the ones who deserve your attention right now. Keep the negativity and unwanted opinions out. By the way, I love that you're having a Bridesman!
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    I am maybe not the person to say this but there are some family that I do not speak to (one aunt who I am for sure not telling about my elopement and if I were to have a wedding would not invite her at all) and ya know what I am a firm believer that family is not about blood. Do you have close friends attending? My aunt I talk to often was my mom's best friend and left in charge of my bro and I when she passed and she has always looked after us and her family is more family to us. That is your happy day so you know what, you do not want to have people like that there for a happy day if they are acting like that. Be sad all you want and cry it out but the people coming are the people you should care about. For some of these people it sounds like you do not fully care for them anyhow so you know what? Good riddance. But I am quick to cut someone out that acts like that and brings drama. Focus on the happy people that are being there for you. Smiley smile I hope you feel better soon.

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP October 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    I am soooo sorry.


    I feel ya on the pull out after a year! My FH’s older brother’s, now ex. Stepdaughter and her 3 kids were to come. The 3 kids were IN the wedding! 2 Flower Girls and a second Ring Bearer/Usher.... We offered to pay for the kids outfits, hotel room for entirety of their stay AND flight/ transport form airport!!!!!! Her excuse: it’s too expensive for me( Da fuqk?) and then it isn’t a good time bc her son has to take time off later for holidays- we are getting married in SEPTEMBER! On a Saturday.... She agreed over a year ago, then pulls out....
    I’m sorry and I feel ya. People suck.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super February 2020
    Andrea ·
    • Flag
    I completely understand. It’s quite frustrating, and it’s like no one cares about your day even though you told them way in advance! I decided not to tell anyone in my extended family, none of them are invited. My FH and I made the decision to only invite immediate family, not only cause of the cost but because it just made it easier cause my family is all crazy.
    It’s alright if they aren’t attending. You have the important people there like your parents siblings and grandma. And at the end that’s all you need Smiley smile
    • Reply
  • Btbride
    Super August 2019
    Btbride ·
    • Flag
    I am sorry you’re going through this. I wanted to say that I only had a very small amount of my own family at my wedding too because my family is all spread out/has issues traveling and it was still wonderful! I felt so much love regardless.
    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    This whole situation is just a mess. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this! The aunt seems so immature and not someone you'd want at your wedding anyway

    • Reply
  • Aleah
    Dedicated October 2019
    Aleah ·
    • Flag
    I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this, that sounds insanely frustrating. On top all the stress you may already have with planning. We relate with the sadness it brings having a small family and some being unreliable/inconsiderate, I have a huge family, really large, but my husbands family consists of just his grandma, her husband, his mom and his brother. That’s it. We invited the all, no plus ones we didn’t want their (very rude) partners with them. His grandma and her husband didn’t come because of health problems (that we know of, but he also heard they didn’t support us), his mom and brother showed up. But they left literally right after we were married. I couldn’t give his mom her gift, they didn’t eat, didnt stay for the cake cutting or anything. Reason was: They didn’t want to get stuck. (Down a dirt road, it was sprinkling) but no one else was worried about it, no one else cared they were enjoying the.. everything. It felt completely unsupportive. So then none of his family was there. No one. And I know it upset him but, things got better. My nieces showered him with attention calling him their uncle and my dad said he was proud to have him as a son and he just.. he glowed. He realized he now has a huge family. People he can rely on that love him and would get their expensive car muddy for him, and would stay longer than 30 minutes on such an important day. My advice to you, think about what’s going right, instead of what’s going wrong. I know it’s hard. I was so stressed before the wedding I got depressed, I was scared my flower girls would bail, I was afraid the dj would mess up (and he did, but it was after and I was the only one who noticed), things did go wrong, my dress was beyond muddy and I could tell his brother wasn’t satisfied, he’s never liked me. His mom was super nice but we knew it wasn’t real. They left and I saw him smile even though it was a slap in the face. It rained. But it was beyond magical and we were more than happy. We can’t control how people treat us, or how they bail on us, or any of that. But we can control how we react. You deserve better, don’t stress so much over it, it won’t help. The people that matter care and the people that don’t care, don’t matter. I wish y’all the best.
    • Reply
  • A
    Savvy May 2021
    Allison ·
    • Flag

    I really get this. It's hard when you have a small family. I really resonate with that. I'm sorry that your extended family isn't coming together on this when you've been so transparent and up front about the difficulties. They really let you down. Regardless, it's wonderful that your parents, grandmother, and siblings are prioritizing you and your day.

    • Reply
  • Allyson
    Devoted February 2020
    Allyson ·
    • Flag
    Hi everyone!! Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to read this and responding so thoughtfully and supportively. I love you all! Your messages have really helped me and I am feeling much better about what is going on. I have taken your advice and am focusing on the people who are being supportive rather than those who are not. You are all wonderful and I’m really happy that I turned to you for advice ❤️ Thanks again Smiley smile
    • Reply
  • Vannesa
    Expert October 2021
    Vannesa ·
    • Flag

    Awe I'm sorry girl. That all really sucks. I hope the wedding still goes wonderful for you.

    • Reply
  • Anita
    Dedicated December 2019
    Anita ·
    • Flag

    Thank you for sharing a very relatable account of the bs that we as future brides often encounter. If I come across as a little testy it is because I am struggling to keep it together with a family that has been disappointing with their level of support as I plan for my wedding. Which is costing a lot of money for people who I'm not so sure actually deserve a meal.

    So.......I just want to assure you that those who want to be there will be there and those who don't will make it difficult and find an excuse. Don't get caught in the grudges...the best revenge is living happily ever after.

    • Reply
  • Anita
    Dedicated December 2019
    Anita ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you Aleah....

    I totally agree!!!

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles