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Dedicated April 2022

Family drama. Help!

Ema, on January 30, 2020 at 11:59 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14

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It’s probably going to be long, sorry!
So my in laws are driving me absolutely insane. Mostly my MIL. My MIL has been a nightmare basically from the beginning. They actually kicked my FH out of the house when he told them he planned on marrying me prior to asking me. Then they realized he was going to do it anyway so they finally accepted it. The his mom starts crying that she feels left out of wedding stuff. Literally nothing besides me buying a dress had been done or even talked about at this point in the planning process. Then they were a nightmare about us picking a date. FH wanted a June wedding, I did not due to my birthday. But we used June as a holding date. The June following our engagement didn’t work as it was only 8 months away and we didn’t have money. The June after that ended up not working due to money. FH and I talked and budgeted and realized we could do that September. Talked to his family, everybody yelled at us about vacations they had planned the same month. We still wanted to get married ASAP so we planned for April 10, 2020 and made sure his family was okay with it before we did anything. I have spent the last 10 months talking to his mom about everything we’re planning on doing for the wedding. She wants to get us a photo booth. That’s fine with me. We took her with us to our catering tasting. She wants to get us a late night snack, but I don’t want the specific one she wants to get us. (It was stemmed off of a conversation about something I thought was cool but never said I actually wanted) My mom and MOH picked a date for the bridal shower that really couldn’t be any other date due to my moms and my own schedule. Well MIL will be out of state at her nieces wedding and apparently we picked it to spite her. 😒 His sister is complaining that we didn’t ask if the date would work for her and her mom. Which, why does it matter if it’s the only date that works for THE BRIDE??? MIL complaining again that she’s not included in any of the wedding planning. Sister is saying I need to talk to her and her mom more. Yet I literally talk wedding EVERY TIME I see her mom and most everything to talk to his sister about she either wouldn’t care or it’s supposed to be a surprise for her. She told FH that we’re hurting his parents and not including them and I just want to know HOW!? What more could I do short of giving her the control she so clearly wants over this wedding?? Most of the wedding is DIY. My mother and I are perfectionists. It’s hard to let other people help when we want it to be a certain way. It’s hard to communicate exactly what we want to people who won’t see our vision. Plus the things we have to make won’t need multiple people anyway. There’s only one crafting machine that can only be used by one person at a time. I just don’t know what to do. How does one please an unpleasable person.

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14 Comments

Latest activity by Ema, on January 30, 2020 at 4:12 PM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on January 30, 2020 at 12:03 PM
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You don't, and you stop trying. You've made an effort to include her and she doesn't appreciate it. Perhaps if you stop discussing the wedding with her entirely, she'll realize how much you were including her.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on January 30, 2020 at 12:06 PM
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I agree with Caytlyn. In addition to this, your FH needs to set boundaries with his mother. “We are including you and you know what’s going on for the wedding. If you continue to complain about it, we will not be visiting/calling anymore.”
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Dedicated April 2022
Ema · on January 30, 2020 at 12:11 PM
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He says it’s a lost cause and that nothing we say to her will change the way she feels because she’s so set in her ways. I told him we should just ask her what she’s not feeling included in because we thought we were including her and we want to make sure she does feel included and he told me she would just get upset and act like we’re accusing her of something. That she said it’s just empty nest syndrome and blah blah blah. 😒 if I didn’t love FH so much, this family would have driven me away. Which it almost feels like that’s what they’re trying to do.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on January 30, 2020 at 12:50 PM
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When it comes to showers it is really up to the host when the date is. If she wanted a certain date then she can host one. I do not think that the sister demand you talk to her and your FMIL. Your wedding date is your decision and really they are supposed to show up the day of. I would limit wedding conversations since it is met with negativity especially considering that they were not supportive of him wanting to marry you. I am so sorry.
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Dedicated October 2020
Joanna · on January 30, 2020 at 12:58 PM
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Hugs to you girl! I'm so sorry this is happening!
If you take a step back and look at the big picture, she just wants to be included and support ya'll. Even if she didn't seem like it in the beginning. She wants to be involved! Which is so much better than not wanting to be involved!
Regarding the shower issue, there is no written rule that says brides can only have one shower. What if your FH's family throws a shower for you?! Then FSIL and mom can host, and everyone will be happy. Who is hosting your rehearsal dinner? What if she can be in charge of that?
You are doing everything you can, so don't give up.
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Super August 2020
Anna · on January 30, 2020 at 1:15 PM
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This has been my life with wedding planning. My fiancé can be a people pleaser.. yours is too..and it will cause future problems for the two of you.
He is right- you can't change her. You have a fiancé problem now and not a MIL problem- that's what I had to come to terms with. You need to sit him down and explain thoroughly how this is impacting you. He needs to set boundaries. This will continue when you try to buy a house, have kids, decide on kids names, decide where they go to school, etc. It will be everything. Firm boundaries need to be set ASAP.
My fiancé didn't quite get how things were impacting me and we had a major, major discussion about it last month. I sympathize with him and understand why he feels it's easier to placate her. That being said, he needs to show me that I am #1 now, and that I am his priority. Your fiancé needs to do the same.
He is choosing to hurt you rather than have a discussion with her and hurt her. Why? Because the consequences of hurting her are worse than the consequences of hurting you.

Sorry If I seem intense about this- but I am going through it right now. Trying to give real advice.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on January 30, 2020 at 1:16 PM
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If FH isn't bothered by her behavior/assumes there is NO option that will please her, I'd believe him and stop worrying about her complaints. Honestly, I'd let FH handle interactions with his family as much as possible, and you handle interactions with yours. It sounds like your FMIL is potentially very manipulative, and wants you to keep apologizing/asking her how she wants to be more involved, only to then make it clear there is nothing you can do that will satisfy her, which will then set you all up for the cycle to continue repeating itself. The easiest way to break that cycle is to not engage with it. If she complains to you directly, say "I'm so sorry you feel that way" and then change the subject to the weather or dinner menu or whatever, as long as it's not the wedding. If she complains to FH or FSIL or whomever, let them handle it however they see fit, and just go on about your planning. Good luck! (Good boundaries go a long way toward making a good marriage.... )
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Dedicated December 2020
Nikki · on January 30, 2020 at 1:43 PM
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So...if we want to get to traditional and technical things...it's the bride's family who is involved in planning the wedding and reception. Today, it is generally up to the BRIDE and GROOM, not so much their families (unless they're helping to pay for it, then their input could be considered). My mom and her twin sister were talking about weddings the other night. My mom is helping with mine and knows just about everything that is going on. My aunt knows almost nothing about my cousin's (who is the groom in this case). His fiance and her family are doing a lot of planning. I haven't really involved my FMIL much, but this is something that I am planning with my mom, and my parents are helping to pay for it, so they would be more involved for the finance side of it.
As far as dates go: the actual wedding date should be what you want. FH and I wanted NYE. Both parents were kind of apprehensive and concerned about it, but we stood our ground, and said that is what we wanted, and they have accepted that.
For bridal showers, I thought that more often than not, each side of the family can hold their own. If your FMIL cannot attend the one your mom is hosting, then she can host one for you too that is convenient for the both of you.

I think overall, I'm going to mirror what some of the other PP have stated...maybe if you stop including her altogether, she'll realize how much she was actually involved before and maybe see things differently. If she tries to bring up the topic with you, find a way to divert it, or tell her that you've got xyz already planned and paid for. I'm sorry that you're going through this, I do get worried that it'll happen with my FMIL as well, but sometimes you've got to know when to put your foot down, and this sounds like one of those times. It is a celebration between you and your best friend, not you and your FMIL.
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Dedicated April 2022
Ema · on January 30, 2020 at 2:54 PM
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They have complete control over the rehearsal dinner. I gave one suggestion about a place to have it since they don’t know the area and she completely threw it out the window. Didn’t even try to check the place out. I’m an extremely picky eater. There’s not a whole lot of food that tastes good to me. I haven’t been telling her anything I want or need for the rehearsal so that way she can have the control she wants. Still not enough.
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Dedicated April 2022
Ema · on January 30, 2020 at 3:00 PM
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I appreciate it, truly. I, as well, completely understand why it’s easier to accommodate her than me. She’s been abusive physically and emotionally to him since he was a kid. With me having been in an emotionally abusive relationship prior to meeting and dating him, I know exactly where he’s at. He knows she’s abusive but at the same time he knows she’s his mom and he loves her. And when you’re being manipulated, love always trumps pain-no matter how severe. It breaks my heart for him more than anything. Like, yeah. I want him to be able to stand up to his mom more and put her in her place but at the same time, he’s her only son and she’s his only mom. I’ve seen men lose a relationship with their mothers and end up regretting everything after the mother passes away too soon. I don’t want that to happen to him. It’s a double edged sword and it’s so hard to find that perfect middle ground
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on January 30, 2020 at 3:09 PM
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She is just a difficult person then. I agree with the others, if she is not working with you, but actively working against you, don't involve her anymore. Have FH explain to her that her behavior is the reason why the two of you came to this decision. If she wants to be a team player, she can be involved. if she wants total control like right now, she can plan the rehearsal dinner and that is it then. I'm sorry this is happening!
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Savvy December 2021
Mary · on January 30, 2020 at 3:14 PM
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You can't please everyone. You WON'T please everyone. Find the things you enjoy about planning and try to focus on those. This is YOUR and FH's day and they're taking that away from you. Chin up, buttercup!
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Super August 2020
Anna · on January 30, 2020 at 3:24 PM
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Girl, I feel you 100% on everything you said. i also feel massively sorry for my fiancé. He loves his mother dearly but the emotional manipulation is so toxic. She threatens to disown him if he goes against what she wants, and she's not lying. Finding the middle ground between setting boundaries and keeping the relationship with her is EXTREMELY difficult. We are in counselling now for just that and it's really helping my fiancé. It sounds like yours doesn't really see how big of an issue it is for you yet- so it's important you let him know! Good luck!
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Dedicated April 2022
Ema · on January 30, 2020 at 4:12 PM
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Thank you so much. As much as it sucks, it’s nice to know I’m not alone here. Going through all of this has been such a lonely process
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