Failing Marriage Warning Signs

1. Lack of freedom, lack of communication, lack of support, lack of respect, lack of tolerance, etc...


2. Talking to him. Talking to my family, Talking to his family. Talking to friends. Counseling alone (he didn’t want to go). Separation.
3. In my case, separation. Because he didn’t want to realize that we need a counseling.
Reconciled:I left, called the cops, made a report, filed divorce, moved out. He was shocked. It was a huge mental slap for him. Then he was willing to do everything to get me back. He went to therapy for his behavior, he apologized to my family and friends, he cried and kneeled down so many times whenever he saw me. I didn’t take it. Only after a couple months I was feeling sure he did change, and wasn’t just acting. I gave him another chance. He proposed twice within a year. Now he is very different

1. When we stopped being able to have calm conversations, when he stopped coming home, when he started lying about where he was going/being at work.


2. I got into counseling and suggested we do couples counseling (we had a newborn at the time) and he told me to set it up and then the day of canceled. He had no interest in working our problems out and wanted me to just say I was at fault and let him live his life. He eventually told me he didn’t love me anymore and then texted me on a business trip that he had signed a lease with his new girlfriend and his brother and was moving out when he got back into town.
3. It was super helpful to attend counseling for myself. I realized how deep into the relationship I had put myself and found that I was tying my self-worth to staying in an unhealthy relationship because I was always taught divorce was wrong and didn’t want to be another statistic.
Divorced: I filed for divorce 3 months after we moved out of our apartment. He got physical with me the week he moved out and then continuously threatened to not bring our daughter back to me so I knew I needed a court order for custody/child support so that it would stop.

1) We had very little in common- no activities, no interests, very little time other than family commitments and those were limited too. Barely saw each other other than weekends, he was super needy, I was very standoffish, I had a shopping issue and misled him about my personal spending, he had undiagnosed OCD. We were essentially pushing all each other's buttons all the time and I didn't feel like I could relax around him, we were constantly either walking on eggshells or having low-level conflicts.

2) Talking, complete openness about finances and debt, discussing future goals (the debt made me avoid conversations about vacations, buying a house, etc), couples therapy, individual therapy for both of us (we're on our 2nd couples therapist and both on our 2nd individual therapists as well), actively trying to do things together, planning things together, lifestyle change (when I graduated law school, my commute went from 1.5 hour each way to 15 minutes, which meant instead of being gone from 6 am until 9 pm every day, I was only gone from like 7:30 to 5:30).

3) Couples therapy definitely helped us, as did some other research/conversations we had around communication/argument styles. I was being super defensive and withdrawing, which would make him escalate and vice versa and it was just a clusterf***. We've mostly gotten away from that now. His diagnosis and getting actual treatment and meds was definitely huge, and so was me addressing my shopping issues. My in-laws were also super supportive throughout everything which definitely helped. For various reasons, my parents don't know most of this but my in-laws are aware of most of what went down and continued to support both of us working through our stuff together and alone (and somehow didn't freak out when we bought a house 6 months after I disclosed the shopping issue and 2 months after his worst OCD breakdown.)

We didn’t talk about things we didn’t want to know. I made assumptions of who he truly was and his goals. Ultimately I didn’t trust him fully. I should have trusted my gut. When a woman called me to tell me my husband was cheating, he talked his way out of it. A few years later, when he was caught dating on internet with pic, he couldn’t tell truth. Yes, we tried counseling but he was never honest.

I was in a relationship later that was worse but he was an alcoholic. That was worse than my marriage. At that time, I took my time and over a year of personal counseling to finally feel like I could date and maybe get it right. Listen to your gut, don’t be afraid to speak up, and do what’s best for you.

I am divorced. Looking back, I would say a lack of respect and his inability to disagree or argue constructively were the biggest red flags. Those two things really tore down our relationship. Being told repeatedly that I must not really feel anything if I wasn't screaming at him and his refusal to walk away from a fight to cool off (or to let me do so) and return to discuss things calmly at a later time was freaking EXHAUSTING. I never knew what would lead to a blow up from him or when he would react like a normal human being, so I was left waiting to see his mood every day he was around to know what kind of a day I was going to have. He went to exactly one couples therapy session with me, then refused to return when the counselor suggested that he needed to change anything he was doing, and he stated that I was the only one with a problem who needed to change my behavior. I continued seeing that counselor for a couple years, and I still go see her as needed.

I think the turning point for me was when he was away for work for several weeks a few months after that failed counseling session, and I felt the difference in myself while he was gone. I was calm, happy and feeling good. Then, as it came time for him to come home, I got increasingly stressed and anxious. Thanks to that counselor, I realized that if he wasn't willing to work on himself and us along with me, then I couldn't live with myself staying in that marriage. I didn't want to be afraid and anxious around my husband, waiting for the next fight he wanted to pick with me. I wanted a husband that I could be myself with, and who could communicate respectfully with me even when we disagreed.

Ironically, my ex-husband actively picked a fight with me the night he came home from that last trip, threatened divorce again (he'd used this threat with me a couple times to get me to give in to him in prior arguments, though I'd told him about 8 months before that the next time he used that threat would be the last) and stormed out of the house, disappearing for 4 days. the next time he showed, he told me he was recording the conversation and was just there to get his stuff. So I filed for the divorce a couple days later and moved out of the house in within 2 weeks. He harrassed me via text, phone and email during the divorce, and made out financially in the divorce walking away with 5K of my money (I made far more than he did) because I just wanted to be done with him and stopped fighting his demands.

I thank God daily that we didn't have any kids together and that he showed his true colors as soon as we were married (we dated long distance for almost 2 years before we got married and I moved multiple states to live with him). We were only married 2.5 years and they were some of the most miserable years I've ever spent.

BUT, had I not moved here to be with my ex-husband, I would never have met my fiance who is absolutely amazing and sweet. I wouldn't have appreciated FH's ability to communicate effectively as much as I do had I not dealt with my ex-husband first. I am grateful for the lessons I learned from my first marriage, because they gave me the perspective to know what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship. And that experience reminded me that I am strong enough to survive and learn to thrive again, even if it didn't feel like it at the time.