Extensive invite list

You aren't even engaged based on what you said so why are you worrying about a wedding at this point? I think the fact that he wants his family there is only fair because they are his family and he wants to include them in a celebration of his marriage. It doesn't seem fair to tell him and his family they can't attend just because you haven't met them. If having those people there are a must to him then you need to be willing to invite them. Fifty people is really small and since he has a large family that number clearly isn't realistic.

I agree this is not something you should be worried about before you’re engaged. My fiancé has like 300 people in his family so we compromised by inviting no kids and NO cousins so our guest list is at about 75 for a destination wedding. We wanted to keep it as fair as possible that was really the only way

Sometimes we get caught up in “I’ve been dreaming of this day my entire life” and forget that our grooms have been doing the same thing. Maybe not when they were 12 but probably when they realize that we are the one! Marriage is a compromise and our grooms have a say too!

When you guys are engaged, make your guest lists and see what they look like. If he wants to invite more people than you, then so be it. It's his wedding too. If cost in the issue, then discuss budget with him and decide on what number of people you can invite.

I think you’ll both have to compromise. But the important thing will be deciding on an overall budget and then seeing how many people you’ll be able to host with that budget. My husband has a very large family as well and he thought he would invite all of them until he saw how much food and alcohol was per person and we had to make some tough cuts.

I feel for you— I was in the same situation. I wanted to do a small destination elopements with just our close family and friends. No more that 50 people. My husband wanted the traditional wedding in the sense of inviting all our family and friends. I compromised with my now-husband and went his route, but he let me plan everything and never said no to anything I wanted such as our venue, vendors we chose, how much we spent on florals. I told him if we were your to do the big wedding, even if it wasn’t my dream wedding, I wanted to at least make it as amazing as possible. We ended up still with a semi-destination wedding in San Diego (most of my family/friends from Los Angeles so it was still a couple of hours away and his side is from the Midwest/east coast). We had close to 180 guests.


Honestly, it was the best day ever. Not because of the florals or my dress. Or the venue.
It was the best because we saw all the people we loved in one place. Our extended families who have never met we’re hanging out and getting to know each. They were laughing together and having so much fun making new friends with each other. Aunts, uncles, and friends of our parents who we’ve never met were so fun to get to know. All our family and friends in one place— we’ll probably never get the chance to have that again. I’m so glad we did it that way.
FYI— We did throw a 3-day event which helped everyone bond and get to know each other.

I have a few thoughts from reading your post. 1. You aren't even engaged yet. Slow down. I dont mean this as a negative thing, but there is definitely no need to get stressed out over something that isn't even an issue right now (it's like stressing over the oven breaking in your future house. Sure, that's a thing you'll probably deal with later, but why worry about it now?). Marriage is about compromise, and wedding planning is a part of that. You may have had a vision of your wedding since you were a little girl, and even though he may not have envisioned his dream wedding, that doesn't mean he doesn't get a say. The wedding is for both of you, so when it comes time to actually start the planning proces, it should be a joint conversation. 3. Weddings are expensive, with food/beverages being the bulk of that costs. Once you see the per person costs, you start rethinking if your middle school best friend that you haven't talked to on 15 years really needs to be there for your big day. This may become a non-issue when your future spouse sees the real costs and starts editing the list on his own.

View Quoted Comment Absolutely! It’s soooo important right from the beginning to take your future husbands vision of their dream wedding into account. Compromise is definitely key! Maybe have him narrow is down a bit but you should definitely compromise as well. Has he already bought your ring?

Marriage is about compromise. If you can’t compromise on a wedding ceremony as it is for both of you not just you then you might want to re-examine if you’re ready for marriage. Make the dream about marry the love of your life versus one day ceremony.

Eventually when you are actually in the planning stage you will set a budget. From there you will look at how many you can afford to invite. You never know who may offer to pitch in or not. If you are truly worried about your parents paying it all then tell them to set an amount they will contribute instead of feeling like they should pay it all. Then you and your bf will have to figure out the rest or compromise on a location/ meal to accommodate.

I also agree with Leslie and others above. Everything in a relationship is about compromise. You both will have to give and take. Men think about what their weddings will be like too. My fiance and I have adjusted our expectations on so many things not just in planning but also the other conversations that come along with it too. Homes, family, raising children - RAISING OUR DOG lol. I can't tell you how many conversations we had early on that changed over the years and again now that we are wedding planning.

Be patient and for now take it with a grain of salt. When its time then you'll have a more realistic conversation.

This is a pretty common disagreement for engaged couples so I think it's totally normal. I'm also going to disagree with a few PPs who said it's too early to talk about it. FH and I started talking about our wedding a while before we got engaged because we had already been together for 4 years and we were just waiting to graduate college before getting engaged. But we lived together and shared finances, so we were already budgeting for a wedding.

Anyway, there are a lot of different ways you can find compromise here. First of all, when you are ready, you should both actually write out a draft invitation list. I have a big family and in my head I thought we would end up inviting 150, but it actually ended up being 120 once I really wrote it down, weeded out a few people, and considered a few people who are too old/sick to travel (I will still send them courtesy invites).

You can compromise in a bunch of different ways like: Have a DW, invite everyone, and the fact that it's a DW will most likely end up cutting the list down for you (especially if you say no kids, which is perfectly acceptable). Even if his family is dedicated, some of those old friends and acquaintances won't be. Have a small DW followed by a bigger reception/party at home (this is becoming pretty common). Have a big wedding at home, then do a second private vow reading or ceremony on your honeymoon.

At the end of the day, you both need to compromise. You might not get exactly the small wedding you dreamed of, but he also should cut out some friends/acquaintances he doesn't talk to regularly and possibly distant cousins or other distant relatives so it's not out of control. Good luck!