Explaining Wedding to Family (very Unique Ceremony)

I don't see anything so terribly unique about what you are describing. A small wedding reception for your closest family and friends in a restaurant sounds great. Not everyone has a bridal party, dancing, or a shower or bachelorette either.

How to explain it? You don't have to go into all of that detail. Let them know the wedding will be intimate and avoid further discussion as much as possible. Any offers to host parties, just say thanks but no thanks. For attempts to influence you hear they would like something different but this is what you've decided on and it's final. Rinse and repeat as often as necessary. If you persist they will get the message eventually.

One note, however. It's rude to ask for money if that's what you meant by "not wanting" material gifts and tithing 10% of "what you get." That's not appropriate to suggest or request.

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Yes, we have heard it is tacky/rude to ask for money. We just do NOT want stuff. At all. We have what we need already. That's the perk of marrying a guy who has lived alone for 11 years.

We might just put that it's a gift-free wedding. We can always cash out stock to pay for a house.

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If you have everything you need and don't register for physical gifts then some people will likely give you money anyway. Otherwise, just return, sell, or regift anything you get that you don't need or want. Your guest list is so small that this is not likely to be overly burdensome. But it's ultimately your guests prerogative to give as they like. Registries themselves are only acceptable because guests have to search out a couple's list of things they are collecting. There's no polite way to ask for money.

Actually no mention of gifts, even "no gifts" is appropriate unless someone directly asks. You aren't supposed to be thinking in terms of what you may get.

How do we politely decline any offers for showers from one of our moms, sisters, etc? I have social anxiety at events like that anyhow and barely survived a baby shower I had to go to!

Politely, LOL. You just say thanks, but no thanks. And that you very much appreciate the sentiment and the offer, nonetheless. Again, repeated if necessary until they appreciate that you are serious and mean it. Also, showers invitations are only acceptable to be sent to those invited to the wedding.

OK, first of all, congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding! Second, just relax and breathe…. What you are describing is very common these days! Weddings aren’t like they used to be when our parents got married, and there isn’t a need to have all the traditional “extras”. Since you and your fiancé are paying for the entire event, the guest list is completely up to you, and you don’t need to justify who you have/have not invited. It is absolutely OK to have a small, intimate wedding! Also, many people that have small events host wedding dinners at restaurants after the ceremony. There is no requirement for DJs, dancing, cake cutting, speeches, etc. etc.. Treating your guests to a nice meal at a restaurant is enough. Having a dry reception is also OK. However, just keep in mind, if you are hosting at a restaurant, guests may choose to purchase their own drinks from the bar.
Requesting no gifts is absolutely OK also! However, I would not ask for cash in any way, shape or form, as it can come off tacky and gift grabby. If you don’t want physical items, I would simply not register for any. And if people ask, simply say you have everything you need. If people still wish to give a gift, they will likely default to giving cash/check at that point. Optional wedding events (ie, engagement parties, showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties) are quickly becoming a thing of the past for many people. I just wouldn’t bring it up to anyone, and if someone asks if they could host one in your honor, simply politely decline.

Discomfort in crowds is a significant enough issue to raise. This can rise to a level of disorientation. Maybe express things beginning with a minimalist view -- that you would really be comfortable with an elopement but feel that an elopement would be excluding people you love and are familiar with. So, the small ceremony and reception is already going to the edge of what you can participate in.

Maybe tell them you're eloping and want them to be witnesses? They might get the idea from that

You're actually not that unusual in your wishes for your wedding. Sounds like it will be great. I would just say "we're keeping it small and simple". Showers and bachelorettes are only appropriate for people invited to the wedding, so I would just decline saying you're keeping it small. Repeat ad nauseam.

For suggestions around things that you don't want I would say "thanks for the interest and suggestions, but we have it handled". Don't apologize or give excuses/reasons for wanting things simple. "We have planned out the day that we want" is enough of an explanation.

Contrary to popular opinion, there is nothing out of the ordinary about any of those things. Learn how to set and maintain boundaries with consequences when people refuse to listen. If you don’t learn now, it will only get worse after the wedding. Chnage subject, walk away, hang up the phone, whatever you need to do and be a broken record that you will not budge.

Thanks to everyone for the advice!!

We'll just be steadfast about what we want. We even went so far as to ask a local restaurant about accommodating everyone. The only thing they couldn't guarantee was not allowing alcohol there but we may have to compromise on that--we won't consume any ourselves and the wait staff would be required by law not to serve to anyone who appears intoxicated. We can just get the cake from the restaurant--he knows most of the staff there (he's the extroverted one of us, the one who does all the talking and makes friends with anyone) and can just have them put a topper on it or something.

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Sounds perfect!

God bless you for keeping the focus on you, your future spouse, and God. You are clearly committed to having a Godly relationship. There is no need to worry. I have faith that God has His shield of faith surrounding you both!