Excluding extended family?

I wouldn't do a separate thing because although you aren't expecting gifts I feel like it would still come across that way. I also agree that you can't really invite one uncle without inviting the rest. Personally I say it's up to you and your fiance who you invite and if your parents don't like it that's too bad because it's not their wedding.

Just tell everyone you are having a small wedding. No worries. Try not to feel pressured.

Are the parents getting married or are you? Your wedding, your choice, which means you pay for everything without assistance to make sure you get final say. If you are not close to someone then it makes no sense at all to invite them, and it’s not the parents’ place to blame you or get upset in any way for your decision. If they want to host those relatives, they can do so anytime in their own home at a different time that does not correspond with your wedding. Another option is that they can host a family reunion picnic at a local park and invite those relatives.


While multiple post wedding parties are currently common online, it doesn’t make sense in your situation. If you wanted to invite these people to anything, they would be on the primary guest list. If you want to announce the wedding, go the traditional route of sending announcement cards after the wedding. But those are only intended for people who would have been on the main list, not afterthoughts who are made aware out of obligation only to make parents happy. In the meantime, learn how to say no and don’t back down.

There is nothing whatsoever improper about an intimate wedding followed by a larger delayed celebration of marriage, nor are you asking for presents by having one. That is not the purpose of the occasion. I wouid not register, however. What you’re suggesting is perfectly appropriate.

I wouldn’t be offended at not being invited to a small wedding, but I might be at getting the obviously B-list invite for the later reception. You can manage that if you have a very small destination wedding, but otherwise it looks like a gift grab IMO. You just have to gently but firmly tell your parents that this is your wedding and you’ve decided on a small wedding.

Just do the small intimate wedding ceremony. And forego anything else. You can see extended family at any other family get together. Good luck

It's your day! Don't invite people who you don't want there. I vote for small intimate wedding without the extended family.

The gathering the next month could potentially work, but it feels a little strange. I'd say maybe scrap that

If you're paying for the wedding on your own, I would invite whomever you want and not the rest. I wouldn't do the afterparty though, to me it seems like a sort of consolation prize.

View Quoted Comment This is not the same thing as B listing. That is when someone sends out invitations to a VIP group of guests and only after receiving regrets sends a second batch.


There are some very good reasons a couple might need or want a more immediate intimate ceremony followed by a larger delayed celebration of marriage that have nothing to do with a local or drstination ceremony. In fact DWs are what is considered a burden to guests by many,
It’s the opposite situation that etiquette disapproves these days, ie inviting people to a large ceremony but only inviting a select few to a reception to follow is considered rude. An exception is an open or public church service. A larger, delayed celebration of marriage has always been acceptable.

Be firm with your parents that you want a small wedding. Your wedding is not their family reunion. You can add a wedding photo in your holiday card which can doubly serve as a wedding announcement.

Unless your parents are throwing you that second party, start your marriage already. Also, it looks very bad after one month of the real party as you will just get complaints and declines from people you don't care much for anyway.

View Quoted Comment It’s one group of people good enough to be invited to the ceremony and reception, and another group only good enough to go to a separate party. That’s an A/B list in my mind, and I’d feel like the only reason I was invited to the second part was to get a gift. Maybe not everyone would feel that way, but opinions were requested and that’s mine.

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That would be true if the wedding itself was larger, but it isn't. Like it or not, this has been accepted etiquette for generations. FYI a delayed celebration does not come with the same expectation for gifts as a wedding does, though people may choose on their own to give, which is anyone's prerogative. One of the entire purposes of etiquette is so that people are not unnecessarily offended when there are a thousand different opinions involving common social situations.

Thank you everyone for your advice! To clarify a few things: all of these relatives would have to travel to our wedding, but would not have to travel as much (or at all) for the post-wedding family gathering. And our parents would be organizing/paying for the gathering, not us!

View Quoted Comment But you’re not talking about a ceremony and then a larger reception, delayed or not. You’re talking about a full ceremony and reception for the A list and then later a separate party for the B list not good enough to go to the actual reception. Etiquette allows one ceremony and one reception. The reception can be larger and delayed, but you don’t get two separate ones just because you don’t want to invite everyone to your real reception. If OP wants to have a ceremony and delay the whole reception until later to have the whole group, that’s what’s acceptable. She just has to decide which she prefers.

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The fact that your extended family would not have to travel for a later, more casual gathering to me makes it preferable. As long as you are treating all your extended family the same and not including some at your wedding, this is a good solution. As someone else said, it would be a good idea not to register so that everyone invited to the later party doesn't get the impression they are supposed to bring gifts.

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People will not be any less offended at not getting invited to celebrate the wedding if they get a photo of the bride and groom to put on their fridge.

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I don't think marriage announcements at the end of the year are offensive. Holiday cards/ newsletters catch people up to what children look like, why not new spouses and other major events? Grown-ups should know they are not entitled to every wedding invite.

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I agree. This is like B-listing because you're putting your guests into tiers. Tier A gets the actual wedding, and Tier B doesn't.

View Quoted Comment She’s talking about a very small reception for immediate family and a few of their friends only, not a traditional wedding reception. A delayed reception for a larger group of friends and relatives is considered perfectly acceptable in that situation.

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Are you making up your own rules? Wedding day is the day one takes vows whether it's in a civil court, church, or park. We tell couples to respect this day as their invited guests respect this day by attending. Why would you negate this occassion and say the reception is later-- because more people are invited? Guests invited one month later will certainly feel they are tier 2. If someone feels the need to ask for a full explanation of who was invited and why (immediate family +), then harm has occurred, much like when one asks whose kids are these that get to be invited (immediate family). All or nothing is a clean delineation.

But, we talk so much how it's rude for guests, how about how the parents being rude? They don't like how the couple has chosen to hold their wedding so they're bullying them into going along with another party. This is a bad trend seen on WW. You can't tell me this is etiquette to have parties with forced guests of honor. There is no honor and there is no respect for time or the real wedding day.