Ex mil wanting to come

"I'm sorry, we're keeping the guest list to close friends and family only."

View Quoted Comment She is close family.

Tell her that she is welcome to come spend time with the kids. However, the event is small and you’re not sure if she’ll be able to attend.

She may be afraid that she’s being replaced or the kids will forget her, so she’s trying to be there so that they can see her and be like “Oh, there’s Grandma”!

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She's close family to the children, not to the bride. I think it's safe to assume that if they were close, she would want her there.

This is a tough situation. She’s hurting from the loss of her son and doesn’t like your FH because he’s a “replacement” dad for her grandchildren. I don’t think she’s being fair to your FH at all but her circumstances are also unfair. She wants to keep a close connection to her grandchildren more than ever. I really don’t think there’s literally any way you can word this without hurting her feelings. She’s grandma, she’s family. She isn’t going to understand why she can’t be there.

I wish you luck

She is your childrens grandmother I assume so if you don't want issues and hurt feelings later invite her but maybe sit her down and have a calm but firm conversation saying something along the lines like "we don't mind having you at our wedding and I know you thought your son and I would be together, but this is who I love now and I need you to show him respect from now on. As long as that happens you're more than welcome to come." But if shes that rude anyway and one day is worth a lifetime of fights over this or you think she will ruin your day of course don't invite her. Just remember to consider all your options and the cause and effect of each choice.

I don’t really understand why she’d assume she’s invited, even if she’s the grandmother to some of your children. It doesn’t sound like you’re really close and it sounds like you were already not with her son prior to his passing. “I apologize if there was a miscommunication but we are keeping the guest list to our close family and friends.” She isn’t your close family. She is close family to the children you had with her son. That doesn’t warrant an invite.

View Quoted Comment I second this!

This is a delicate relationship you will likely have for the rest of your lives together. I think it’s a bigger issue than the wedding. You need to get her to respect your now husband. Nothing can take away from her being your children’s grandmother and your children don’t deserve to have drama between their deceased paternal grandmother and step father. Best of luck! I hope one day you guys can all have a good relationship for your children’s sake.

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I'm going to third this. In most wedding planning, I feel like taking the time to put healthy relationships and communication at the forefront is the key to having them long after. She needs to feel respected but so does your FH. Sitting her down, just the two of you first and then maybe adding your FH so you can make sure that everyone is on the same page and he feels included will help significantly. If she seems unable to come to terms with respecting your intended, you will then be able to ask her not to attend with a much clearer conscience. however, if she agrees and you both talk to your FH, everyone will be significantly more at ease. You might even be able to arrange it so that she takes her grandchildren for the night (or even during your honeymoon if that is applicable and you are comfortable with it). Its important to show your children that their grandmother still matters, especially since they are still likely dealing with the loss of their father and need to understand that they didn't lose their grandmother too (children remember who was there, not who wanted to be). They will take their cues from you and while it might not be easy now, it will pay off in the long run for the happiness of everyone involved.

I agree with Caytlyn. Let her know that you're not able to accommodate any extra guests. You don't owe her any other explanation beside that, in my opinion

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I don't consider my ex mil close family. She hated me when I was married to her son and avoid her at all costs. I have a child with my ex and his dad brings him to his mom's house plenty so it's not like she doesn't still see her grandson so it is what it is. Not everyone sees their ex family as close.

My ex SIL stopped by my mom's house when we were planning the wedding and told her she couldn't wait for an invite to the wedding. She never got one. Just don't send one.

Thank you all for your opinions! It's such a tricky situation

View Quoted Comment Yes! Totally agree! Well said I think that’s the best way to go about it

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I agree 100% with this! I also think you should invite her. She may have been nasty because she feels like you're trying to replace her son with another man. Also although they're her grandchildren you needed her to come watch them while you were having a baby with another man and she did. You didn't just invite her up for a visit you needed her. I think an invite would be a step in the right direction and would assure her and the kids that she's still family. Keep us informed. I would really like to know what you decide and her reaction

She is related, and close to, your children, and definitely should be invited to their wedding. Being related to a previous spouse means it is your choice to include her or not, and only B and G decide that. Other opinions about including former MIL are not relevant , because it is not their choice. Hosts decide the guest list, not guests or wannabe guests or other friends or family .

Added: not suggesting you ignore her at other times. Have her over even when she is not babysitting. Just not at your wedding to someone else.

My fiancé’s ex-wife’s mom actually said to him, “it’s okay, you don’t have to invite us to the wedding”.

Like, okay great Vicky, but under no circumstances were we planning to invite you anyway. 🙄😑

He didn’t say that, I think he said “okay”, but honestly what are these people thinking?! 🤓