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Devoted November 2021

Events are gone as we know it?

Maureen, on July 31, 2020 at 12:07 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 10

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I’m not exactly sure where to get advice for this considering it’s not wedding related, but it is event related, and maybe I’m a little jaded by this event because I have already postponed my wedding.

Anywho, one of my best friends is turning 30 the first weekend of October, and her and her fiancé, and her other BFF were just throwing out ideas about what to do for her birthday. The idea of renting a MASSIVE (sleeps 21) beach house (in Florida!) for three nights came to mind, and the next thing you know, her fiancé found one on VRBO and put a 1/2 deposit on a house back in the end of June for October, before the initial convo was even over, which made her super pumped for her birthday.
It’s been non stop talking about it since, she’s got her guest list down, and I wouldn’t be surprised if more people show up who aren’t staying the night, and she even wants to rent a party bus one night. This all was transpiring the same exact week I was in the middle of renegotiating contracts to move my wedding to November 2021, and I was supposed to get married October 25th.
Now I understand an event of a wedding vs a birthday weekend are two completely different events, on two different weekends, I get that and I’m not saying you can’t still live your life, but at the end of the day it takes one person to be contagious and spread it no matter how many people are around. I truly don’t think she knows what she’s getting herself into when it comes to what safety measures need to be taken into place. Is their social distancing? Are you going to ask guests to take a test before? Is there going to be one designated person handling and serving food? How will she handle the situation of her parents coming by? Is one person serving drinks? Is there going to be a spread of food? Things like that. Her fiancé has always worked from home even before the pandemic so he never goes out, and she’s been home since March because she’s a teacher and she hasn’t been anywhere either, none of our friends have, except our three friends who were positive. I have moved my wedding, been furloughed, been back to work with hardcore safety measures at hand, and laid off, all while she’s just excited for a massive party weekend.
I have PTSD when it comes to events this year; wedding, bridal shower, bachelorette, all gone. My sister also postponed her wedding back in the spring, my family has been through the ringer, and now I have a friend who seems to be, I don’t know, naive about her 30th? I moved my day because I didn’t want to put anyone in an uncomfortable position, I just don’t know if she realizes the magnitude of this pandemic. Have people show up and be uncomfortable? Or have people feel guilty for not showing up because they care about their health?
Am I being crazy for being uncomfortable? Is she being selfish? Or am I just jaded?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Angel, on July 31, 2020 at 1:23 PM

Dedicated August 2022
Ane · on July 31, 2020 at 12:50 AM
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First I just want to say that I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that stress as a 2020 bride! I am hoping all goes well for you and your fiancé going forward! In regards to the 30th birthday—I completely agree with you! I really think people are being selfish. I also turned 30 in June and had to cancel all of the plans I made because I refuse to put my family and friends at risk. To me, it’s not about the restrictions being lifted—it’s about social responsibility and caring for the well-being of others. There is absolutely no way to practice 100% social distancing when renting a house to have a birthday party for a large group of people—you’re eating, drinking, and casually sharing an indoor space. As you said, all it takes is one person to infect others unknowingly and even if those people don’t get very sick they can unknowingly pass it on to others who can get very sick or die! My fiancé is an RN at a hospital in NYC and March/April/May were brutal—so many deaths, so many emergencies, so much anxiety and so much sadness. But some people really don’t care or don’t get it. I see many friends on social media hanging out as if nothing is happening meanwhile I have not even dared to hug or go near my parents (who I used to see almost everyday) for over 4 months! I personally choose to try to stop the spread by not engaging in any social gatherings.
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on July 31, 2020 at 12:58 AM
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First off, I'm very sorry about what you're having to go through. In my personal opinion, your friend's birthday plans are utterly insane and completely selfish. Even if they didn't have additional guests, there is no way to social distance with 21 people sleeping in the same house and sharing bathrooms, etc. And to top that off, putting her parents at risk!?! Yikes. I'm so sorry and I would definitely not go to this birthday party.
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Expert October 2021
Samantha · on July 31, 2020 at 4:05 AM
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I have to ask since I see this everywhere, why is everyone planning on going to Florida? It's a major hotspot and has been for months. I would not attend. You can only give people information and hope they take the right precautions. You should do what's best for you. Where I live we are getting to the stage of mandating masks outdoors (basically always wearing a mask except at home).
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Devoted November 2021
Maureen · on July 31, 2020 at 6:59 AM
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We are all in Florida in Jacksonville.
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Expert October 2021
Samantha · on July 31, 2020 at 8:01 AM
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Ah ok. I thought you were traveling since you put an emphasis on 'in Florida'. Though I've seen many out of state persons looking to travel to Florida. Have you made any headway on your decision?
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 31, 2020 at 8:23 AM
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Some people don't understand or care about the severity of the pandemic until they or someone they love are affected. Your friend and her boyfriend sound like those people. You have every right to feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, there's nothing that you can do except decline the invitation.
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on July 31, 2020 at 10:35 AM
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I'm sorry you and your family have had a very hard time especially with you being a Covid bride and having to postpone your wedding. It sucks and I definitely feel for you.
I am one of those people who is moving forward with my wedding in Florida and in October, we have 50 people invited and to the best of my knowledge all are going (by their words). My FH and I have been essential workers and have been non-stop since covid was announced. Every person invited to our wedding (exception 3 - his parents and my mom) are essential workers (healthcare, manufacturing, airlines) who have also have been working non-stop since this all started.
I follow the news, I read every guidance put out by the CDC, state health departments, read individual state / county guidelines, etc. I have been on top of this since it started, spoken to numerous experts in their field, sought guidance from many. We have been personally affected by Covid through illness, death and many recoveries. We know what's at stake. I can also tell you that since the world shut down (actually before it shut down) we've followed safe precautions wearing facemasks long before it was ever mentioned to not wear, wear, works, doesn't work, etc..
We hesitated on sending out our STDs but we did with "hope" that things would be better and what we found out was our family and friends needed a little bit to "hope" for with us. We have now sent out our invitations and FL along with many other states (mine included) are being known as new "hotspots" - but the one thing that hasn't changed is our "hope" that things will settle down and get better.
Our nephew graduated high school this year and his party is next weekend, my FH and I along with other family members are making the choice to travel (by air) to attend this graduation party. So I ask:
Are we all selfish for moving on with our lives? NO
Are we all selfish for wanting to celebrate joyous moments with friends and family? NO
Is this Virus a killer and dangerous? YES
Was H1N1 dangerous and an epidemic? YES
Can the USA continue to afford being shutdown? NO
Can we help stop by the spread by maintaining safe social distancing, practicing good hygiene and continue to wear our face masks? YES
The world shutdown in March and lasted through May - Not just the USA, the entire WORLD. And what happened? Economy failed, people lost their jobs, people are still losing their jobs and it's absolutely awful. This virus started to decline and MAINLY in the USA it returned with a vengeance. Other countries have shut out US citizens because it is so bad here, but it isn't going away anytime in the immediate future. However, in order for people to return to work and keep the economy running we have to go back to living life. And that means living life with safer precautions. That's what many of us are doing, that's what your friend is doing, that's what my in-laws are doing. That doesn't make us bad or selfish people.
I would not hold it against any one of our guests (including family) if they opted out of coming to our wedding for safety reasons. I don't hold it against anyone for being afraid, or continuing to Stay at Home. But, I've had to go to work everyday since this started, My FH has been in the same boat as well as every person we've invited to our wedding (exception parents) - This is the one thing every one of us is looking forward to; a chance to relax, a minute with family and friends and not think about the awful world around us.
The last I looked (yesterday), Florida is still allowing gatherings up to 50 however there are strict regulations / restrictions on VRBOs - so your friend should look into that before proceeding with her plans. But I hope you would trust her to do things in a safe manner and take other peoples safety into consideration. And if she truly is your friend and you hers, and if you opt not to go because you're afraid of this virus, then she's not going to hate you for it.
I am so sorry for your PTSD, having to postpone your celebrations and all you are going through, but please don't hate us for holding onto hope that we can still have safe and happy celebrations.
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on July 31, 2020 at 11:17 AM
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Honestly, it's her choice to have a 30th birthday party or not, and it's your choice whether or not to attend it. Everyone has different levels of risk tolerance, and trying to get other people to conform to one's own level of risk tolerance is what creates these broken relationships and bitter fights that we see everywhere these days. She didn't make you postpone the wedding...you chose to do that. She might have chosen differently if she was in your shoes. She might have postponed the wedding but felt like a smaller gathering like her birthday was safer. Regardless (and I know this might be controversial), you're too involved in whether she "should" be having this party. It doesn't sound like she asked you for advice or to help plan it. Occupying your mind with resentment, and looking for validation from strangers that your best friend (!) is a terrible and selfish person, is not helpful or healthy for you or the friendship.
If you feel uncomfortable (which is perfectly valid), don't go. But people are going to be having their events, and for your own sanity, you need to make peace with that.
- A former October 2020 bride
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VIP August 2020
· on July 31, 2020 at 11:17 AM
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Short answer:
You are definitely not crazy for being uncomfortable. She's being selfish at worst, naive at best. You might be jaded but you're not wrong.
Long answer:
Spending 10-15 minutes within six feet of someone is considered to be close contact, which puts you at high risk of being infected by them if they're carrying the virus, and she wants you to spend 3 days with 20 other people in a house and party bus. Obviously some people have a higher risk tolerance than others, but it's kind of shocking to me that anyone thinks what you've described is a good idea right now. I live in the northeast where things are okayish right now, but were bad early on and I'm kind of nervous about having 15 masked people together outside for 3 hours for our wedding next week. I think a healthy level of discomfort is probably somewhere between mine and your friend's, but I definitely don't think her party is a good idea.
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Expert August 2020
Angel · on July 31, 2020 at 1:23 PM
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If you don't feel comfortable attending, then don't. I know I wouldn't. But you can't keep people from doing what they want. Unfortunately, there's a lot of people that don't understand the seriousness of this virus and want to selfishly go on with their lives as if nothing's different.
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