Etiquette... Showers and elopement

Etiquette does not go out the window because there is a pandemic in place. People are asked to stay home, when it could be much worse like the movies make the Apocalypse out to be. Ensuring social comfort for guests is not a burden that has any reason to be ignored because some people think it's outdated or doesn't apply. They are confusing tradition with etiquette. There is never ANY situation where etiquette is to be ignored or abandoned. A wedding is the pillar of the etiquette circle.

A vast majority of "commonplace" Covid suggestions (ceremony for select people only, a ceremony/reception a year later and acting like that is the legal ceremony, and the list goes on) would never fly with anyone if there wasn't a pandemic, and even that should not cause people to do whatever they wish and screw what anyone else thinks. You are risking people never speaking to you again because you doing something rude.

View Quoted Comment The height of a lack of etiquette is failing to be considerate. It seems that should include kindness towards brides who legally can't invite everyone to to their weddings that would also be present at a shower or party.

View Quoted Comment So..your state allows a certain number of guests for showers, but not for weddings?

I'm saying the maximum in some places is 10 people for weddings. So it seems silly to not include those that might wish to be included in a shower. Ps. I'm not having showers or parties. But I don't like seeing how fellow brides are being treated or shamed.


I think we can relax some rules amid a pandemic. To be honest I've never liked blanket rules. To me the idea that there are set rules that one must follow or be shunned is actually rude itself. Out doesn't make sense to me. Especially when during a pandemic choices aren't being freely made.

Many people host showers at the home of a friend/relative of the bride where there are very limited restrictions. That is an option if you want more than what another location allows.

There is etiquette when it comes to weddings but not so much on the order of business. The safety of others is more important than a bridal shower/bachelorette party as we don't know when it is safe to gather. A quick wedding can happen at the drop of a dime with 5-10 people. People have been having small ceremonies and big celebrations for a while now. That was the first thing my mentor mentioned to me. I wasn't interested but it was nice to have in my back pocket. Well now my back pocket is the real deal.

Reality is, half us are still betting on a postponed date and praying that the wedding will happen a whole year from now. So the bridal shower gets pushed to the side or celebrated after the wedding or anytime when it safe. It is what it is.

To answer your question, No, COVID is not taking away my bridal shower/Bach Party. We'll celebrate them when we can gather. Might be two days before or after the wedding for the bridal shower. My MOH told me not to worry about those and I'm not going to.

View Quoted Comment

This right here.

I appreciate this discussion bc I had to postpone all my showers/pre-wedding parties and engagement shoot as well after getting engaged in January. We were aiming to do the engagement party in the late spring for nicer weather to accommodate more guests at my FIL. I do agree with the above statements though - this pandemic is more important. My family and friends let us know if we want to elope, that's find - but it is also fine to wait a year or so to plan any wedding stuff due to the tight restrictions that can effect the health of everyone involved. I dont want to be held accountable for anyone's sickness or unexpected death etc. I know it's hard to wait but it will be so worth it, trust me!

Just jumping in to say that like many things these days, showers don’t have to look like they have in the past. I appreciate those who are waiting to have their showers in person, but I also have been hearing about so many creative ideas! My mom/MOHs/friends from church are throwing various Zoom showers for me, and I just found out my workplace is planning a drive by parade. I love these ideas more than what we had been planning before because we can include more people, and a lot of my friends/family are out of state, so they wouldn’t have been able to come to a shower.


The point of a shower is to celebrate the bride/couple. Since we decided to still get married on our date in June but just with less people, I’m using this as an opportunity to still connect with guests who will no longer be attending and still allow them a chance to celebrate. Some of these parties will include gifts-they’re buying from our registry, having it delivered to me, and I’ll open it on camera. Others are just a hangout/get together, because that’s what’s more important to me anyways. It’s honestly what’s getting me through the next month-knowing I have so many opportunities to “see” friends and family and celebrate with them, and they’re all excited that they still get some sort of way to celebrate with us.

Without Covid, or any special ial circumstances, bride's get showers when one or more female friends, or relatives of B or G, volunteer to plan and pay for one. Because the specific purpose is to gather gifts, it is not a party a bride can throw for herself ( that is seen as greedy, any time gifts are involved, to throw a party for your own benefit.)
This means that ordinarily, some brides get showers, and some don't. For someone who elopes, traditionally, with no family or friends present, sometimes e en friends who know they are not invited, still decide either to have a shower, before or right after the couple elope. Or simply send a wedding gift. If your friends and family want to have a shower for you, and someone wants to give one, no reason not to have one with a legal quick ceremony now, and a reception gathering later. But they have to want to give the party, and want to give gifts, or as under normal circumstances, there will be no shower. Not up to the bride.

Do whatever u want

I agree with Judith about shower etiquette. But I understand on missing out because of Covid. Sucks. But perhaps you can throw a light wedding reception later when all of this is over? I know not quite the same as a shower, but a way to cake with friends & family later.


If it were me and I really wanted a shower, I would probably ask my mom to host one when this was all over. I know people here will freak out but honestly I didn’t even know you couldn’t throw yourself a shower until I came here. A lot of others might not either. And if I told my mom I am sad to miss out and if she might host one in 2021, I know she would be excited. Yes, I agree that’s not proper etiquette but I feel like Covid has changed a few things.

View Quoted Comment Many a shower has only 10 people. One of mine did, because people in 3 very different geographic areas each had a shower for me, rather than anyone travel 4-6 hours by car. Because small showers are easier to cook for in a home kitchen, or outside on a grill, without the high pricetag of catering or restaurants, they are common. **** Also, just as baby showers are quite often held a month or two ( even 3) after a baby is born , especially if baby is early, because people want to see the baby and have baby not catch things, most showers I have been to after someone has eloped ( married with only an officiant, no family) have been in the 3 months to follow. I can only think of 2x in 20 years when a shower was before a marry away from others type elopement. Traditional meaning. As for very small private weddings, planned, that many people now call elopements, just as with a regular wedding, when a subgroup of bride's friends , like a club, choir, coworkers, all of whom know they are not invited to the wedding, throw their own private shower, often just before or just after small private weddings I have been invited to and attended showers given by friends, for small groups who want to give the bride a gift with her there to open it. By a few weeks or a month after the legal wedding, groups larger than 10 may be permitted, especially outdoors. And 10 is better than zero. Why not? But it has to be started by the friends. For the bride or other family members to give a shower , inviting people not invited to the wedding, would be rude.