My sister in-law is getting married in another country and my in-laws have known about this for weeks now trying to get a church lined up. They finally got one a few days ago...but her brother and I only heard about it yesterday and it wasn’t even an appropriate type of conversation- it was literally blurred out as a means to fill a silence...I’m beyond upset as I feel that as part of the immediate family we have a right to a discussion about this as it will costs a couple thousand dollars for us to attend. I understand that she has every right to get married where she wants to but we are expected to be there and yet we find out the day before she is sending out her “Save The Date”s...which is incredibly selfish and rude in my eyes. His other two siblings knew well before this conversation and I question why were weren’t told this sooner.
I just feel like we should have been included before a finite decision was reached. Please let me know the etiquette for this and if I am overreacting.
It’s kind of hard to say, I have 2 sisters that live abroad in 2 different countries and I didn’t consult them about which country to have my wedding in. There is no real etiquette rules about this, it sucks that it will cost more to travel there but it’s the couples’ ultimate choice.
Save the dates are meant to be your heads up. No one owes you a notification before that. I can understand how that’s hurtful to you, but if it was important to them to work around your schedule or budget, they would have asked.
I agree with PP's. There's nothing wrong with being upset, but the couple didn't do anything wrong in making a decision about their wedding without consulting you and your husband. They are perfectly justified in making whatever plans they choose for their wedding, that doesn't make them selfish. They'll just have to accept that given their choices, you and your husband may not be able to make it and that would be on them.
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That’s not what I was asking at all. I was asking, because my husband is her brother, was it wrong for her to tell everyone else in her immediate family (ie: both of her other brothers and her parents) except us...and was it wrong for them to all agree before advising us that they’ve decided that’s where she will marry. I’m not concerned about not being able to help her PLAN the wedding...I wanted to know what the etiquette behind it was...for my knowledge.
They have no responsibility at all to tell you before you get a save the date. They may have started by consulting this one and that one, and decided they were just going to do it. And people will come or they want. And they are entitled to do that. Not a group decision, just theirs, and anyone helping pay. However, the flip side of that is that having decided, without consulting you, nobody, not the couple, and not the parents, can pressure you to go. If you don't have the money, or the time off, or consider it unnecessary travel due to health concerns, you may decide to miss the wedding, and celebrate with the couple when they are home again. And need not take any comments about it.
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With that clarity, I don't think my answer changes on what the "etiquette" is for this situation. They are not wrong, and can tell whoever they want about making the decision - when my husband and I were planning I'm sure there were details I mentioned to my sister, parents, and some friends but wasn't always consistent in who I told what.
If you or your husband are upset that she told her other siblings before your husband, then that may be a chance to evaluate what his/your relationship is with her, and maybe you want to talk with her about improving the relationship.
You are over reacting. The couple can make all their plans without consulting their siblings , or anyone they do not want an opinion from. If it causes hardship, don't go. No one can expect you or anyone else to go to a wedding, unless they have agreed to be in it, and we're told details in advance. If they made the choice, and decided they want that plan, regardless of who cannot go, there was not point in their opening things up for comment. The flip side is that if you cannot attend, it is not up for discussion. If it mattered to them, they should have consulted you first. You are not entitled to be mad about what is solely, their choice. And they have no right to make any expectations, nor does anyone else. Relax. As for being upset they told others, not you, it really is not your business who B and G share with ( if not you) or who they are or are not inviting. Those are between B and G and the other people involved. You mind you. Who else did or received what ( information, gift, special accommodation) is never other people's business. If your husband wants to tell his family you are unable to attend because the planned DW is beyond your means, he may. They are under no obligation to change anything. ... I hate this trend of people making it too expensive, in time or money, to attend a wedding, so that close friends and family cannot go. But since they are choosing for themselves, they can do what they want. I would privately say a lot of rude things, then kick something. But having seen so many brides and grooms unreasonably bullied into a wedding they do not want, to suit other peoples priorities, I think it important to accept their decisions. And hope ( but not say it) they reconsider.