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Savvy February 2023

Etiquette Conscious Aunt Wearing White @ My Wedding

Danica, on October 7, 2022 at 10:45 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 59

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Normally In this situation, I couldn't find myself caring. However, everyone always talks about " who wore white" to a wedding and will never shut up about it, so here I am.. annoyed that forever this will be brought up.

However, my aunt has always been someone who keeps up with appearances, has been badgering me with formalities about the way I have planned my wedding.
Ex: wanting plated meals instead of food stations, requesting very specific wordings on invites, telling me that digital invites are not real ( even when we're doing paper and digital versions ) etc
( by the way she isnt paying for anything, I don't know where she finds the audacity)
My wedding is in a super insanely gorgeous 1912 botanical garden, we asked guests to not wear white or wear any florals since the venue is already floral enough and very busy when it comes to the greenery and vines that are occurring all over the intimate setting. We said solid colors.

That's some context for you; I was in the phone with her a month ago and she told me she found a dress. She wanted to show me it. The dress is: - Cocktail length - All White - One dainty black flower trail on the bottom portion.

This is 100% inaccurate to what I stated on the site.
However, this is the part that I need advice on.

I told her " it's too white." She straight up said " it's not." I said it is. I'm the bride, and this is the only moment where I've put my foot down.
I then texted her 3 weeks later informing her once more, it's too White.
Well, My aunts sister in law saw the dress and told her ( without talking to me about it first) " it's too white."
My cousin ( her own daughter ) said " mom that's too White. You can't wear that."
My other aunt and her daughter visited last week and told her without me saying anything to them, " that's too white."
My aunt told these people " I'm going to pretend I didn't get Danica's text."
My cousin has offered a mother daughter day out where they both shop for a dress and spend time together, she refused.
My aunt wore white to my brother's wedding and dress rehearsal too.
I don't know what to do, but I'm seconds from texting my planner and informing her to invest in a 4XL bright pink shirt that says " I WORE WHITE" and have her wear that all day.
This aunt is like a mother to me, I'm so hurt that she's formality forward and knows the meanings of all these things and for some reason does this?
I need advice!

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59 Comments

Latest activity by Allie, on October 11, 2022 at 11:24 PM

Savvy September 2023
Sophia · on October 7, 2022 at 11:24 AM
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Ugh that’s so annoying.
Are you close enough with her to openly say something like “Hey I know you don’t mean anything by it and don’t think it’s a big deal but I’m honestly really hurt that you are insisting on wearing this to my wedding when you know it matters so much to me.” ?
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Devoted November 2022
Allaura · on October 7, 2022 at 12:23 PM
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Im petty and would spill red wine on her if she came to my wedding in white. Personally I like your bright pink shirt idea lol
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Rockstar October 2023
Michael · on October 7, 2022 at 12:27 PM
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Okay. Imagine everyone attending your wedding wearing white. Okay. would not work out in such a desirable fashion. Then imagine one person with a little quirk but otherwise lovable wearing white. Will she be thought to be the bride? Not likely (but I'm not used to families where an aunt would be younger than the niece). If you want her there, you may just have to excuse this quirkiness. It is a courtesy not to wear white. It is not a disaster. Make it a point of future silliness when looking at pictures-- "And there's the other bride at our wedding."
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Devoted December 2022
Orianna · on October 7, 2022 at 1:47 PM
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The fact that she's telling people she's going to pretend she didn't see your text says to me that she knows this bothers you and doesn't care.
I would suggest finding a shirt like the one you mentioned, sending her a picture and letting her know if she insists on wearing a white dress to your wedding, you will insist that she wears that as a cover-up to be able to attend.
Everyone is telling her it's too white and she is choosing to ignore that.
Also any time in the future she butts in on the other planning part - "I appreciate your opinion, however it does not align with the vision and plans we have for the day."
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Lady · on October 7, 2022 at 1:49 PM
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Just let it go, it's annoying, but really, what are you going to do? She's going to look like an idiot and no one will not know that you're the bride.
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on October 7, 2022 at 1:59 PM
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I would just let it go. Everyone knows she's being a jerk about this. No idea why the passive aggression but it's too bad she's treating you like that. I wouldn't up the ante by increasing the drama quotient on this. Taking the high road with these types is the only way to go, don't give her the attention she seems to be craving.
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Super July 2022
Shannon · on October 7, 2022 at 2:33 PM
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Your Aunt is selfish as she also wore white to your Brother’s wedding. She needs lots of attention.
I would let her do it and have your DJ or band make a funny announcement after they do your entrances and call her out as the other person who thinks she’s the Bride,” Aunt ———“.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on October 7, 2022 at 2:59 PM
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She likes attention, good or bad. You're feeding her desire for attention by fussing over this. The worst punishment to her is to be completely ignored. So let it go and stop enabling her vanity. She's the one who's going to look stupid and crazy. The photographer can always color her dress.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on October 7, 2022 at 3:27 PM
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Ignore her. The photographer won't take any pictures of her because they always side with the couple. If it makes you feel better, tell your photographer to explicitly ignore her and it's okay to be rude about it.
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Expert September 2022
Allie · on October 7, 2022 at 5:18 PM
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Hmm I like what Willow and Michelle said. I kinda flip flop between that and straight-up calling her and saying something like Annika recommended. It's so insanely rude and attention-seeking that she's blatantly planning this. Does she have other attention-seeking tendencies? If so, it may be best to ignore her. If not, and if you think she'll have at least one iota of empathy and basic understanding of another person's feelings, I would call her and try to figure this out. If she sticks to her plan, let her know she won't be admitted in such an outfit, as you don't want to be embarrassed in front of your family and friends on *your* day. After that, I would stop talking about it to anyone (and maybe even encourage others to stop talking about it with her). She seems to be distracting a lot of attention from the happy couple during y'all's wedding planning process. I'm sorry you're going through this!
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on October 7, 2022 at 5:18 PM
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I agree with this.

Behavior such as making her wear a tshirt of shame or spilling red wine on her (or anyone’s dress) is equally immature and the latter falls into the category of assault. Because she has chosen to ignore your requests, you can either invite her and ignore her at the wedding or uninvite her and the relationship will be over. Pick your battles.

Also white for guests is not that uncommon in specific settings. Some couples ask the guests to wear white for a specific look and it’s not seen as trying to upstage the bride. Regardless, all guests know who the bride is because she is walking down the aisle and standing center stage at the ceremony. There is a misconception that guests can’t identify the bride or that white detailing in an outfit will make them look identical and thus guests can’t tell them apart. As far as detailing goes, it’s not upstaging the bride or anyone else to wear white backgrounds/accents, etc. Some wedding communities online take it so far as to mean that pinpoint dots or white thread inside the dress that isn’t visible is “too white”. On the flip side, why is this argument not a thing for men’s attire? 99% of men’s suits and tuxes have so much white that is expected that a female guest is shamed as a horrible human for wearing the same amount. It makes zero sense.
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VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on October 7, 2022 at 5:59 PM
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Unfortunately it sounds like she's determined to ignore everyone who says it's a bad idea. Not much you can do about it. A handful of people wore a whole lot of white to my wedding (like white cocktail dresses with a floral or striped print, and a white blazer/wrap over it) but it didn't ruin the day or anything. She sounds like a pain in the butt, but it sounds like you've pushed the issue as far as you can. Now all you can do is enjoy your big day and hope that people gossip about her behind her back 😈
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VIP October 2022
Mrs.evans · on October 8, 2022 at 3:40 AM
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OMG I not right when you have asked her repeatedly that she can not wear that dress. And by you mentioning that she done it your brother. After everyone has told your Aunt even her sister and daughter and others family members have ts her also. But by you texting her and telling her and she rebuts back to you NO! It's not. To me she seems to not care what you or anyone else have to a does what she wants. I know that you don't want any problems but you may have to do that thing that you are dreading. And that is to invite her if she can't just do a little thing and wear a different dress and she can't say that she's was informed about it. When its 101 in wedding equitte not wear WHITE OT RED to a wedding. I hope that everything works out for you
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Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on October 8, 2022 at 1:16 PM
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I didn't know about not wearing the red colour. No red at weddings? I've never heard of that. I don't think that's a thing here in Canada.
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Rosebud · on October 8, 2022 at 1:41 PM
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Ugh this annoying behavior, its one thing if she didn't realize but when multiple people have told her its too white she should get the hint. I d probably send a a very passive aggressive text like can't wait to see the new non white dress you choose. Happy shopping But your best bet is to ignore it, she ll look ridiculous not you.
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VIP October 2022
Mrs.evans · on October 8, 2022 at 1:55 PM
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I'm not sure if it's in Canada but I heard that i live in NJ but it was said that red or white it's like they are upstaging the BRIDE. And instead of the attention on the Bride and Groom they will be looking at him or her so I've told ppl but just like your Aunt ppl just dont listen
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on October 8, 2022 at 2:10 PM
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It’s most common at Asian weddings where red is reserved for the bride, and white is a color of mourning. Not familiar at all with red being taboo in America. If that was the case, the color would not be manufactured.
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Rosebud · on October 8, 2022 at 2:40 PM
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Its funny my parents and their siblings still talk about the groomsman's date at my parents wedding who wore a red dress. So I've considered it a no no since I was a child haha!
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Rockstar October 2023
Michael · on October 8, 2022 at 5:12 PM
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In many India weddings, the bride wears the bright colors, instead of white. Probably in the States it is better for guests to have neutral colors (other than white) -- nothing to stand-outish.
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