Etiquette Advice? Sending an Engagement Card to the (unintroduced) FSIL

We are guessing she just assumed we wouldn't/couldn't come anyway (we live 5 hours away and it's during the semester), and it would have been a major planning and scheduling venture for us to try to make it but FH is still hurt and annoyed because FSIL couldn't know about our church obligations when deciding against inviting us.

I have no relationship with FSIL, and FH's relationship with her is shaky, but with 2 weddings in the family over the next year, and of course the future of the family, I want to be cordial at least.

I'm thinking we should send her a congratulations card around the date of the party, maybe expressing our regret of not being able to attend (because FMIL wants everyone there) but we also weren't actually invited. I'd also have to be the one to send the card because FH doesn't think about stuff like that (and is upset with FSIL) but Idk if that's weird because I don't know her!

If you weren't invited (and by Facebook, blech!), you should not respond at all.

But maybe not reference the party and just send a congratulations on the engagement? I'm big on sending cards to acknowledge events in people's lives. Birthdays, even anniversaries for my parents, graduations, just acknowledging life events. I know we're invited the wedding (and will see them at holidays) and I'm trying to break through this awkwardness early instead of letting it build more.

I agree with A. L. If you guys weren't invited, don't send anything. You'll have enough opportunities to break the ice over the next year. Just wait til the holidays if you have to. I don't think it's that awkward, especially if y'all live far apart.

I see nothing wrong with sending a nice congratulatory note, but also nothing wrong with waiting until the holidays etc if you'd rather.

I'm not assuming we're invited. She texted us for the address for the save the dates. FMIL is already asking how far ahead of the wedding we're willing to come down to stay and spend time with the family lol. ETA: they're getting married in the beginning of January.

Asking for the address was actually today, so I'm assuming FMIL asked her about the engagement dinner thing. Given the formality of just throwing together a facebook event, I'm not assuming she put a lot of thought into it. Probably not as much as FH and I have lol

When was the engagement? If it was recently, maybe send a card of congratulations, but don't mention the party. If it's been a while, I think sending a card now would be weird.

As to the relationship between brother and sister, honestly, your FH's reaction to his sister's engagement tells me all I need to know there. Instead of being happy for his sister, he was pissed that she got engaged on the same weekend. That's a sign of petty sibling rivalry and immaturity that isn't likely to fade quickly. Very sad.

You could send a congratulations card, but don't mention the dinner. I agree, it sounds catty. Good for you for taking the high road. Just try to stay out of it as much as possible!

@Elizabeth K, I think that came across wrong, I'm 95% sure it was jokingly, when he told her he got engaged she said something along the lines of "oh yeah me too!" And then it was like "well I asked first" and "but I told mom first!" They're really close in age but don't talk often. It definitely seemed like old sibling rivalry but I don't think they were actually bitter about it...

FH is very sarcastic, and while it's obvious they aren't close or best friends, I can't tell how serious or superficial it is because I've never seen them together. His mother and other sister just say and "FSIL can be a handful" Idk at all. It's just uncomfortable.