This past year I cut off all ties with my dad. When I told his siblings that he was not going to be invited to the wedding and it was up to them if they wanted to come, they ran to my dad and told him about our discussion. I felt betrayed because I have endured alot of pain over this. It is getting to be time for me to send out invitations soon and I am unsure what to do. Either way I feel as though it is a lose lose. I either invite his siblings, risking them telling my dad all the details of my wedding and warranting him to show up unnanounced. Or I don’t invite them and risk losing their respect. They are kind people and have always been loving to me. I have so much anxiety about my wedding mostly because of the situation with my dad and I am at a loss of what to do.
I'm so very sorry. It is terrible that your family would do something like that to you. My husband's older brother and sister are estranged from my father-in-law. When my sister-in-law got married my husband and his younger brother, who still talk to their dad, never would have dreamed telling him about her wedding. In fact, they said they would've forced him to leave if he would've somehow found out about the wedding and showed up. I can't believe your family would betray you like that. If it were me, I wouldn't want them anywhere near my wedding. I also don't take too kindly to someone going behind my back and purposely providing details to someone I want nothing to do with. If you do decide to invite them, I would have security at your wedding in the event he were to show up they would be in charge of asking him to leave and making sure a scene isn't made.
They had no business taking the discussion to your father if you made it clear don't have a relationship with him. If someone betrays your trust, they aren't as close as you thought and they don't get an invite. I would send them announcements after the fact.
I agree with all previous posters. His family betrayed your trust, and now you can't trust them not to share details about your wedding.
From a personal perspective, I'm estranged from my sister for 7 years now. She is my only blood sibling, but I simply cannot trust her to be happy and supportive of my decisions. She was horrible about my decision to have a baby, and has sl*gged off previous partners of mine. Any happiness I experience she has to destroy. So I have ample evidence to support my decision to keep her out of my life. Whilst I do feel sad that I have essentially lost my sister, that was her choice. She treated me badly when we were younger too, but as I no longer live with her, I have an option on her part in my life. From my mum's side of the family, they are quite opinionated and interfering, as well as being gossips. My mum's eldest brother actually betrayed me as well, by bringing social services to my door. So they are out in the cold as well. At the end of the day, the only family member I'm inviting is my mum. I do wonder why some family have to be so awful. I guess we're all just a bunch of strangers that happen to share some genes. Rest assured that you are not alone in being betrayed by your own family. It doesn't make it any easier, but at least you aren't alone in the experience. 🤗
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I agree with Meaghan. They already have shown they don't respect you by telling your dad about the conversation. I wouldn't invite them.
I say don’t invite them. The last thing you will want is unwarranted stress and anxiety on the biggest day of your life. One thing I’ve learned through my engagement thus far is that this is the ONE thing you get to be selective and selfish with. Don’t let anything come in between you and your peace and happiness for this day! Good luck!
First of all, I'm sorry. You're not alone with estranged parents.
Now, on my end, my mother and her family were all invited before the estrangement, but I knew it was coming. (My mother is a toxic narcissist.)
In the end, none of my mother's family came.
And it was completely ok.
I was not stressed because of my mother. She was not to be allowed in if she DID show up (she's too cowardly). Without the stress of the toxic family, we had a beautiful time, free of fear and anger and worry.
On the flip side, I did have to remove most of my family from social media, since, like yours, they will absolutely run and tell my abuser everything that happens to me. (Some I kept, for a variety of reasons, but the number one reason was to know they weren't going to tell my mother diddly squat about my life. Three I kept because I know they barely talk to her/they acknowledged our wedding, the others I kept because they are the next generation down and are on to her.)
This is the tough part.
Until they realize that they are actively harming you by reaching out to your father, you must draw back from your relationships with them.
*THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH AND SAFETY.*
And it's HARD. I wish I could hug you in real life, because *it's HARD*. (I am in therapy and I highly recommend. Very helpful.)
But just remember - you are protecting yourself, your FS, and any family you might build.
This is why you never discuss with other people, including the one involved and other guests or family, who you are NOT inviting. It is an etiquette No-No not because of some arcane society law. But because etiquette is about doing things in a way that minimizes friction between people. And this stirs it up, and gives time for others to stir up trouble/ or create drama. From here on, politely decline to talk about it. Those you have told, say you shouldn't have, because it is really personal to you, and father, and you hope no one else will say or do anything about it. Then say nothing. You have made a hard choice, and would not have cut him loose without good reason. Other people need to accept it is not their business. Why isn't Dad coming? " Because we have not gotten along for a long while, and the rest is private. Please stay out of it. " Repeat these 2 sentences over and over in front of a mirror, so they will just roll off your tongue with little apparent emotion, when others ask. You and FI are starting a new family. You do not need dysfunctional relationships dragged in from the past. Good for you, not giving in. But over time, you will discover that not opening a subject for discussion makes things easier. With relatives, with friends. Have a peaceful wedding day.
Thank you for this. You all have made me feel so much better. Knowing there are other people who have dealt with the same thing is comforting. I know I am doing the right thing for me and for my future family and always try to keep that in mind.
Don’t invite them!! If they’re just going to run off and tell him all the details then that’s not worth it. They don’t respect your decision now, they’re not going to respect it later. They only want him there for their own reasons and don’t care how your relationship is with him. If you really really want them there go for it but hire security to keep your dad out in case someone shares the invite with him