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Dedicated July 2020

Engagement party help!

N, on July 27, 2019 at 10:21 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7

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My future in laws are set on hosting our engagement party—which I’m really grateful for as I’m new to the area and my family is several states away. We know most of FHs family won’t attend our out of state wedding so I think this is FMILs way to have her family participate—which I’m all about. However, their idea(s) is not mixing with mine and my FH. For example, they originally wanted it hosted at their house (as a “dry run” for thanksgiving). I’m not from the area, so I expect majority of people will be FH’s friends/family. But I will invite most of my coworkers. So needless to say I thought that would be uncomfortable for my friends, so we convinced them to look at other “venues’. We envisioned a laid back affair at a restaurant or brewery, where people could come/go. However, my FMIL just informed me this morning that they put a deposit on a banquet room at the Junior League. Neither in law asked me or FH what we wanted or ran any of the locations by us for input. While I’m sure it’s a pretty venue I’m concerned it will be uncomfortably empty (it holds 200+) and stuffy. FMIL also talked about how she’s meeting with someone to discuss how “she” will decorate. FH is afraid confronting them and asking to move again will lead to hurt feelings. I don’t know. I feel like this is something to celebrate us so it should reflect us as a couple—not my FMILs tastes. Do I let it go or do I ask to move and offer to pay her the deposit?

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Cassandra7, on July 28, 2019 at 1:28 PM

Master October 2020
Mandi · on July 27, 2019 at 10:32 PM
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Let it go. She's hosting. Just let her do her thing and enjoy it as much as you can. A stress free party thrown in honor of you? Sounds great.
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Super September 2019
ASMini914 · on July 27, 2019 at 10:38 PM
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This is a party they are hosting, they get to decide where it is, and what the decorations are. You are lucky they weren’t offended that you made them rent a venue instead of hosting at their home.
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Expert November 2019
Keri · on July 27, 2019 at 10:40 PM
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Definitely let it go. No one will care about the venue or the decorations. It is really sweet of her to throw you two an engagement party. Be gracious and move on.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on July 27, 2019 at 10:59 PM
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I wouldn't worry about it and let FMIL plan your engagement party
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Dedicated July 2020
N · on July 27, 2019 at 11:03 PM
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Yeah I’m probably overthinking it. I would have loved to use their house honestly because that’s way more our style than a banquet venue, but it was just really not going to work for multiple reasons—most of which was size (but the funniest/horrifying of which is that they don’t have working locks not their sole bathroom—-that’s led to some interesting encounters). But I think she understood where I was coming from, so I think we’re on good ground. Probably shouldn't rock the boat further and just it go. Thanks guys!
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Master 0000
Judith · on July 28, 2019 at 1:02 AM
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The party hosts decide where to give a party, the nature of the party, the menu, and the guest list. Not the guests of honor . In other words, in-laws may consult with you or not, but in the end make all decisions. You accept the party given in your honor, or decline the honor and the party completely. But you would be out of line to try to control things when someone else is the host. You get to plan your wedding. The hosts , your in-laws, plan this party, the hostesses of your showers plan those, and those hosting your bachorette, host that. And yes, the RD is planned by the hosts. You may plan and host/ pay for that, since it is for the participants in your wedding party, not given in your honor. And if you have a bride or groom's luncheon instead of a shower ( no gifts) you may pay and host that. Or you may host one for your bridal party instead of a RD. . . . You would be as wrong trying to dictate things to your in-laws at the engagement party, as they would be to interfere with your wedding ceremony.
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Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on July 28, 2019 at 1:28 PM
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You do get to say "I appreciate all your effort, but I'm just not comfortable with the plans for the party, so let's let it go." Or words to that effect. And invitation is not a summons. If she had been concerned about your comfort, she would have involved you in the planning.
My real concern is that you're about to marry someone who would rather that you be unhappy than that he might hurt his mother's feelings. If he doesn't put you first, don't marry him. You don't want a life controlled by Fear of Hurting Mom.
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