Engagement & Mom

If you want a relationship with her maybe you should make a plan to meet her somewhere and talk to her. Explain why you are hurt and figure out how to work on your relationship. Maybe set some clear boundaries with her too. Good luck.

It seemed like she was offering an olive branch (I could be wrong since I don't know the details of your relationship), but I agree with PP, you need to talk to her...and face to face, so neither of you can hang up and walk away. You only have one (biological) mother, and while it is ok to cut toxic people out of your life, whether they are blood related or not, I think you owe it to yourself to try to sort things out. Once you have exhausted everything and know you did your best, then you can throw your hands up and walk. But trying to teach her a lesson doesn't hurt her, it hurts you cause you are the one holding on to the pain/anger/etc. and she is oblivious to it.

View Quoted Comment Yeah I agree with this, and if you do want a relationship with her then maybe handle trying to make amends with her before the engagement so you don’t have to juggle making up with her and announcing your engagement to her all at once.

I think you either need to decide if a relationship with her is worth working on or not. My dad is a horrible person (although he was a great dad growing up) and after their messy divorce and the things he said, I have not talked to him. You can ask her to talk and maybe even get a third, impartial person (therapist, counselor) to mediate. If not, have peace with your decision and enjoy those wonderful few days of being engaged. They are like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Congrats

If you do decide to let her back in and tell her, don't discuss the wedding with her. That is the only sure way to make sure she won't try to step on your toes!

Think of this another way. If she is told you’re engaged, whether it be by you or someone else, do you want her to come back into your life just because of that? Do you want the basis of your relationship with your mother to revolve around your wedding? That certainly doesn’t sound healthy, and while weddings can help bond people, they cannot fix broken relationships. I would advise fixing whatever the underlying issues are first. I gather that your mother has some narcissistic traits. Keep that in mind and consider how that could affect your wedding planning. If you really can’t not tell her, send her a letter in the mail. I wouldn’t go back on your word simply because something good is happening in your life. I can see you want to fix things, but relationships take two people. And if she’s not ready or willing to make changes, nothing you do or share with her is going to change how things have been.

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Thank you, I definitely agree with setting boundaries. I appreciate you!

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It is hard face to face since we dont live in the same state and my mom is notorious for hanging up the phone. I completely agree with you and you are right when you say i am the one holding on to the pain and the anger. Thank you so much for your suggestion and will definitely keep this is mind. I appreciate you!

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Exactly my thoughts, I would love to resolve this BEFORE. Thanks!

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Im sorry to hear about your Dad, its so rough not speaking to a parent. Maybe the third party is a good idea. Thank you so much for your kind words and I will make sure I take the time to enjoy!

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Completely agree! I think the less involved the better, so many opinions. Thanks for your input!

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I completely agree and its something i would want to fix BEFORE! I dont want the wedding to be a band aid over a really nasty wound. I know our issues would rise up after and I dont want that underlying tension between us. Thats exactly it, I dont want to go back on my word because i know i did the right thing and i feel by letting her back in because of the wedding would be wrong. Maybe i just have to come to terms that she is the way she is and its not going to change. What i can change is how i handle situations with her and what information i give. The less the better. Thank you for your input, I appreciate you!

Hi! I hate that you’re feeling this way. I was in a similar situation (my mom just popped back into my life 9 years ago and is a lot crazy) and I struggled and still struggle with everything dealing with her. I decided to tell my mother 3 weeks after my engagement and she still doesn’t know my wedding date (but my little brother is a groomsman). I just knew I didn’t want to deal with her drama.

This sounds exactly like my situation with my mom! Only I had no idea I was getting engaged and couldn’t plan for it lol. I ended up just calling her right away and sharing my excitement with her, sweeping everything under the rug as you said! I figured I didn’t want those issues to ruin the excitement of my engagement, and after the excitement dies down, I can go back and address some of those feelings I still have with her.
It’s complicated and messy and definitely no “right” way of handling things! Just do what feels right for you, and don’t let anyone else have control over your happy moments in life

Instead of calling or texting with the news, send a real old style letter instead. Even if done on the computer and printed, still mail it. So she doesn't do a quick read on the computer and send something immediately. Write your news. The a couple of paragraphs. Starting with the fact that you do not want all her drama and such, and that it is only if she will agree to behave in a certain way ( explain) and not do certain things, that you want to see her again. But you are ever hopeful that she will make these changes, and the two of you can start off in a new, different way, before the wedding comes around. Otherwise, she will not be invited. She needs to accept that you are an adult, now making your own family with FI, and she needs to observe some boundaries. That includes understanding that you and FI are planning this wedding, and may do it very fdifferently that she or others expect. And you do not want / will not tolerate suggestions to do things a other way, or criticism of choices you make. As your mom, she will be a valued guest, but planning is for you and FI alone. Be clear about other conditions. And something more conciliatory at the end.
You are right not to have troubles get buried and fester. Most people read a letter, put it down, and read it again one or more times, with thinking time after an initial happy or angry response. Hope she does that . Good luck. But better to not have her be part of things, that to have her make this time a misery for you.

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Of course!! Good Luck!