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Beginner January 2022

Engagement & Mom

Alyssa, on November 15, 2019 at 12:28 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16
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I am not engaged yet (I know it's coming since we have looked at rings and I found out he has asked my father for my hand) but I need some advice and I cant discuss it with anyone since I am technically not supposed to know about him proposing. I am currently not on speaking terms with my biological mother. We have definitely had our ups and downs, but she has constantly been very shady and manipulative with her own hidden agendas and constantly trying to find out information about my dad and step mother (who I am very close with). We got into a huge fight and have not spoken in over two months and I am trying to "teach her a lesson". However, I am fearful that I will get engaged soon and will not be able to pick up the phone and call her with the good news (she lives in a different state). I don't want to tell her the good news and then have all our problems swept under the rug and forgot about as it usually tends to happen. I know with her I will have to maintain control throughout the wedding planning and I just don't want all this drama. I feel like this is such an exciting and love filled moment in my life and I shouldn't be stressing about things like this already. I just cant imagine NOT telling her and her find out through someone else but I also don't want her to think everything is fine with our relationship. Our last conversation was "if you are going to continue to act like what you did was right and our relationship is going to continue to be months of not talking then we don't need to have a relationship at all and all she responded with was "that's fine". However, she then text me a month later saying "hey, how are you guys?" I did not respond. She acts like nothing ever happened.

16 Comments

  • Cyndy
    Rockstar May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    If you want a relationship with her maybe you should make a plan to meet her somewhere and talk to her. Explain why you are hurt and figure out how to work on your relationship. Maybe set some clear boundaries with her too. Good luck.
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  • Sabrina
    Devoted April 2020
    Sabrina ·
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    It seemed like she was offering an olive branch (I could be wrong since I don't know the details of your relationship), but I agree with PP, you need to talk to her...and face to face, so neither of you can hang up and walk away. You only have one (biological) mother, and while it is ok to cut toxic people out of your life, whether they are blood related or not, I think you owe it to yourself to try to sort things out. Once you have exhausted everything and know you did your best, then you can throw your hands up and walk. But trying to teach her a lesson doesn't hurt her, it hurts you cause you are the one holding on to the pain/anger/etc. and she is oblivious to it.

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  • Gen
    Master June 2019
    Gen ·
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    Yeah I agree with this, and if you do want a relationship with her then maybe handle trying to make amends with her before the engagement so you don’t have to juggle making up with her and announcing your engagement to her all at once.
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  • Alejandra
    Expert November 2020
    Alejandra ·
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    I think you either need to decide if a relationship with her is worth working on or not. My dad is a horrible person (although he was a great dad growing up) and after their messy divorce and the things he said, I have not talked to him. You can ask her to talk and maybe even get a third, impartial person (therapist, counselor) to mediate. If not, have peace with your decision and enjoy those wonderful few days of being engaged. They are like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Congrats Smiley smile
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  • J
    Super April 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    If you do decide to let her back in and tell her, don't discuss the wedding with her. That is the only sure way to make sure she won't try to step on your toes!

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  • Jeanie
    Rockstar February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    Think of this another way. If she is told you’re engaged, whether it be by you or someone else, do you want her to come back into your life just because of that? Do you want the basis of your relationship with your mother to revolve around your wedding? That certainly doesn’t sound healthy, and while weddings can help bond people, they cannot fix broken relationships. I would advise fixing whatever the underlying issues are first. I gather that your mother has some narcissistic traits. Keep that in mind and consider how that could affect your wedding planning. If you really can’t not tell her, send her a letter in the mail. I wouldn’t go back on your word simply because something good is happening in your life. I can see you want to fix things, but relationships take two people. And if she’s not ready or willing to make changes, nothing you do or share with her is going to change how things have been.
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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Alyssa ·
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    Thank you, I definitely agree with setting boundaries. I appreciate you!

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Alyssa ·
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    It is hard face to face since we dont live in the same state and my mom is notorious for hanging up the phone. I completely agree with you and you are right when you say i am the one holding on to the pain and the anger. Thank you so much for your suggestion and will definitely keep this is mind. I appreciate you!

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Alyssa ·
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    Exactly my thoughts, I would love to resolve this BEFORE. Thanks! Smiley smile

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Alyssa ·
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    Im sorry to hear about your Dad, its so rough not speaking to a parent. Maybe the third party is a good idea. Thank you so much for your kind words and I will make sure I take the time to enjoy!

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Alyssa ·
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    Completely agree! I think the less involved the better, so many opinions. Thanks for your input!

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  • A
    Beginner January 2022
    Alyssa ·
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    I completely agree and its something i would want to fix BEFORE! I dont want the wedding to be a band aid over a really nasty wound. I know our issues would rise up after and I dont want that underlying tension between us. Thats exactly it, I dont want to go back on my word because i know i did the right thing and i feel by letting her back in because of the wedding would be wrong. Maybe i just have to come to terms that she is the way she is and its not going to change. What i can change is how i handle situations with her and what information i give. The less the better. Thank you for your input, I appreciate you!

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  • Kelsi
    Dedicated June 2020
    Kelsi ·
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    Hi! I hate that you’re feeling this way. I was in a similar situation (my mom just popped back into my life 9 years ago and is a lot crazy) and I struggled and still struggle with everything dealing with her. I decided to tell my mother 3 weeks after my engagement and she still doesn’t know my wedding date (but my little brother is a groomsman). I just knew I didn’t want to deal with her drama.
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  • Taylor
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Taylor ·
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    This sounds exactly like my situation with my mom! Only I had no idea I was getting engaged and couldn’t plan for it lol. I ended up just calling her right away and sharing my excitement with her, sweeping everything under the rug as you said! I figured I didn’t want those issues to ruin the excitement of my engagement, and after the excitement dies down, I can go back and address some of those feelings I still have with her.
    It’s complicated and messy and definitely no “right” way of handling things! Just do what feels right for you, and don’t let anyone else have control over your happy moments in life Smiley smile
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Instead of calling or texting with the news, send a real old style letter instead. Even if done on the computer and printed, still mail it. So she doesn't do a quick read on the computer and send something immediately. Write your news. The a couple of paragraphs. Starting with the fact that you do not want all her drama and such, and that it is only if she will agree to behave in a certain way ( explain) and not do certain things, that you want to see her again. But you are ever hopeful that she will make these changes, and the two of you can start off in a new, different way, before the wedding comes around. Otherwise, she will not be invited. She needs to accept that you are an adult, now making your own family with FI, and she needs to observe some boundaries. That includes understanding that you and FI are planning this wedding, and may do it very fdifferently that she or others expect. And you do not want / will not tolerate suggestions to do things a other way, or criticism of choices you make. As your mom, she will be a valued guest, but planning is for you and FI alone. Be clear about other conditions. And something more conciliatory at the end.
    You are right not to have troubles get buried and fester. Most people read a letter, put it down, and read it again one or more times, with thinking time after an initial happy or angry response. Hope she does that . Good luck. But better to not have her be part of things, that to have her make this time a misery for you.
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  • J
    Super April 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    Of course!! Good Luck! Smiley smile

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