Engagement Blues

Everyone argues and especially moving in with eachother is going to take a toll at first hmm maybe find something to enjoy together like board games or something to just bond and not have any relation to wedding, moving etc ..

I think those are too many life changes. However, you two are totally capable of making it through this hump. Perhaps slowing down with the wedding planning until things cool down?


We also have fights and there have been a couple of huge ones a few years back. We didn’t do counseling but we did talk a lot about each other’s feelings, needs and wants.

I think this is definitely due to all of the major life changes and stressful events you two are piling on all at once. Wedding planning in and of itself is stressful, but moving in together takes it to a whole new level. I think getting acclimated to one another in your new living situation should be your top priority right now. Make sure living together is something you can do long term. Since you have to postpone your wedding, I wouldn’t put too much focus on that right now. Work on building your relationship back to where it was before stress got the best of you both. I think you two can definitely work through this.

In my opinion, everyone has a different relationship so what is "normal" is hard to pin down. Feeling like you are both equal partners in this relationship is important and each partner needs to bring something to the relationship. If there is an imbalance somewhere, it can build resentment. I think it would be wise to take a step back and try to jointly rekindle that reason you got together in the first place. Did you ever just click or has it been a struggle arguing over a lot of stuff from the start. I think you both need to be brutally honest about how you feel and why you fight so much. Having strong personalities doesnt make people fight more than people with less strong personalities (and shouldnt be an excuse to let harsh words fly). A good relationship is about enjoying the other person, making decisions together, supporting each other. Only you two can decide if and how you move forward but honesty is key.

I will say, my FH and I are both stubborn and brutally honest personalities. See my previous statement. We had a few bumps when we were moving in together, but our synergy allowed us to talk out whatever it was (he used to be bad about putting his socks all over the place, I was chronic about dirty dishes in the sink). That's just two people talking things out and figuring out how to live together. I think you need to turn off all distractions, sit down, and talk about what's on your minds. And listen without judgement. You're partners - you need to be able to voice what's on your mind and talk it out. The key is to not let things fester. He was burned by that in a previous relationship, so he tells me immediately if anything bothers him and has me do vice versa. I think take a few deep breaths and have a check in. There's a lot going on without your life changes, so a good long talk will probably help you both feel better

I think how you argue says a big thing about yourself too. For instance if you’re nasty with each other and personally attack one another that shows maybe a level of maturity in yourself to grow in.

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from having been with my fiance for 3 years and getting married next year. My fiance was the same way when it came to planning the wedding and I felt like he wasn't really engaging regarding the planning and the details but some guys just aren't into that and I just ran things by him that I felt like we both needed to agree especially when it came to how much money to spend on certain things and just accept that planning all the little details just wasn't his thing even though it made me sad. I had to learn to respect that.


Me and my fiance are also have very dominant personalities in the sense that we both want to be heard but don't listen to each other like we should and that creates huge fights sometimes as we both like to be right and not budge on things that are important to each of us individually. Trying to find that balance is hard and we are still learning but counseling even if just one of you went would be better than nothing (even though it would be better for both) because you can talk to your partner about how to handle things in the ways you learn through counseling. I have been in therapy since before I met my fiance and it has helped to have an outlet other than him and I talk about things my therapist mentioned to try but he's gotta do the work to otherwise its just one-sided and not going to work.
As far as living together me and my fiance did before I became unemployed for a lot longer than I anticipated which caused us to have to move back in with my parents for the time being. It was literally the hardest thing we have ever gone through and it really showed our true colors/selves to each other....I literally thought we would end up not being together anymore but even though we had many many many horrible fights, we still had love for each other and learned valuable lessons and things about each other. What it all boils down to is how bad do you want each other? How much are you willing to invest in each other? Can you work together? And do you love each other? We never stopped loving each other and knew no matter what happened or what was thrown our way, we were stronger together and we always had love for each other.

Thanks everyone. I think I feel more reassured that these are just stressful times. It doesn’t help that we’re both stuck in the house due to the stay at home orders and the emotion of postponing our wedding over the Coronavirus (so sad as it was just starting to get fun planning when all this went to heck!). We both decided that instead of venting or discussing anything, we’re going to walk away from situations for right now. It seems like trying to shove every adjustment into a span of a few months and resolve every issue is going to put our relationship in a really bad place. I also think I probably felt like we had to “resolve” all our differences before the actual wedding. I think after seeing you all go through the same issues, I probably just need to step back and allow our relationship time to heal. I think our relationship was in a good spot before the last few weeks (we really enjoying being with each other and love each other). So I’m not super worried that this is a issue with our on-going relationship, I just want to make sure it doesn’t progress further into huge issues in the future.