Engagement Apathy

I can totally relate to this - after about two years with my (now) husband, I was very much “so, when are we getting married?!” and by the time we got engaged just after our five year anniversary, I was happy but I was didn’t cry, I didn’t get the happy hyperventilation or starry eyed response like you mention.


I feel like because of social media and what we see in tv shows and movies we are led to expect that a proposal results in shrieking out of happiness and jumping for joy and no, not everyone experiences that and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
As someone with anxiety and OCPD, I put my own feelings down to me setting my expectations high in the first place and also being the pragmatist that I am, I kinda just saw it as a formality that got us one step closer to commitment!

I can't say I have the same situation. I have been dating my boyfrind for more than 1,5 years and we discussed marriage after a 1 year anniversary. Although I saw the order notification from the jewelry store in his phone, the engagement was a real surprise for me, but I also couldn't feel the emotions the girls face when guys propose to them unexpectadly. But choosing an engagement ring together with the girlfriend is oddly enough to me...

Hi Jade. I can totally relate to this. I was with my fiancé for four years and always bugged him about marriage. (We moved away to a different city a year after we got together). So last year on my birthday, he finally asked if I wanted to stop by the jewelry store and that I can pick anything I wanted. And knowing his reluctance about the topic, I said “why? You’ll never get me what I want.” After 15 mins of this banter he finally said sternly “Please will you help me out here and humor me”. That’s when I knew what he was hinting at.
At this point I was so excited. It’s finally happening. So we ring shopped for a couple of months. Christmas came. Nothing.
New Years came. Nothing despite “I made special plans for us”Valentines weekend. Had dinner reservations. We spent the lovely weekend together. Came home, took out my contacts and changed into my pjs. Cried because it was never going to happened. After some time, I went in to the living room. He came and sat next to me and that’s when it happy
The man proposed to me in the living room, while I was wearing glasses and PJs. I love him to death but he does not have an ounce of romance in him. I’m very bummed and embarrassed of how it went but reminded myself of all the good things to come.
Think of the wedding planning and celebrating with your friends and family. The life you’ll continue to build. The ring’s beautiful. Congratulations

We had been together almost 5 years when he proposed, and while he definitely put thought into where and how, and did surprise me a bit, I didn't have the crazy tears and insane happiness moment. I honestly don't even know if he actually "asked" me to marry him. I just turned around and he was on one knee. Other than taking pictures together with my ring, we had a very normal vacation weekend in our favorite spots.

It's totally okay to feel a bit bummed about what could've happened, but I do think that at the end of the day he wanted you to have what you wanted in a ring and having you there to pick the perfect one out and customize it was what he wanted from an engagement. By the things that you mention he said it sounds as though he adores you and I think that's a great thing to focus on while you begin planning. Once you're in the thick of it, how the proposal and ring came about matters less and you begin looking forward to your wedding day and your life ahead. That is the thing that matters in the long run.

Not everybody has the same feelings and reactions to becoming engaged- and that’s OK! Sometimes people think they know for sure how they will react, but it ends up being completely the opposite once the time comes. And I think, as was in your case, if you are expecting the proposal to be a complete surprise, then it isn’t, it can kind of throw you off and affect your immediate reaction. If it makes you feel any better, my proposal was such a surprise that when my fiancé got down on one knee, I thought he was having a panic attack! 😂 I was like OMG are you OK?! It took a hot second for me to even figure out what was going on! I assumed if he ever proposed it would be screaming or tears…. Instead it was concern, followed by utter confusion, followed by uncontrollable laughter 😆
As long as you are happy and excited to be engaged now, I wouldn’t worry about/dwell on the moment of the proposal.

P.S. Your ring is so pretty! I love nontraditional engagement/wedding rings!

I’m with you. Was ready to get engaged after 2 years and he waited 6 years to finally do it. He asked for my ring size and direction of when to propose and I suggested on the anniversary of our first date. So there was absolutely no element of surprise.
Very anticlimactic.

I completely relate to this! FH and I have been together for 8 years, and I was reallllly hinting that I wanted to get engaged around last Christmas, I mean I was annoying with it, but he kept trying to throw me off from it cause unbeknownst to me, he already had the ring.

Well a week before Christmas he was on the phone with his mom (after a fight we all just had and she was trying to make amends), while I was next to him and I heard her tell him "I know you're proposing next week and I just want us to be OK" and from then on the surprise was ruined.

He still made me wait till Christmas Day for my ring, but I lost the surprise aspect of it, and I also feel bad for FH cause he lost his moment too, he tried so hard to throw me off and surprise me with it so we both kind of got our light stolen.

But what matters is he did it and we're getting married and I can't wait for that!

Yeah I can relate...but I think we are all looking for that huge social media surprise engagement but in reality a lot of us know it's coming and have had some sort of involvement in its planning.


Love your ring, by the way. 🥰

View Quoted Comment I really appreciate everyone chiming in on this. I was pretty sure ‘everyone’ had the same scream/cry reaction. It’s nice to know that everyone’s reactions can be different and still be happy. 💕💕 thanks all.

I completely understand this reaction! My engagement excitement actually didn't set in for at least 2 weeks. My fiance proposed to me while I was trying to pack for the vacation we were leaving on in the morning. Definitely not the most romantic story or at all what I was expecting. However, the excitement definitely set in the moment that I found our venue on our drive back from our trip.

I think social media has molded our expectations into something that isn't reality. You have a beautiful ring and it sounds like a lovely fiancé. If something's really wrong, address it of course though, but focus on the happiness/contentment, whatever you call it.

I agree with previous posters I think that social media in and the media in general has really hyped up our expectations of what an engagement should be. We have it in our mind that it’s supposed to be a surprise with tears and hearts falling from the sky. And sometimes it happens that way for some couples and sometimes it doesn’t. I think the real win here is that you got the ring of your dreams and the guy of your dreams. Could it have been a more fantastic proposal absolutely and perhaps you can re-create it. But the important thing is that you’re engaged to a man who loves you with a beautiful ring and now you should look forward to the future.


Just for context my proposal is anything but an Instagram moment. I knew it was coming but he didn’t surprise me with a FedEx box on a day when I was truly truly emotional over my father‘s health condition. And honestly I was not prepared I was not dressed I was not Instagram worthy. But man how surprised and elated was I?? He captured it on video and I laugh every time I see it my reaction was so over the top. We did recreate it three weeks later on our anniversary and I had him out the ring in our safe until then. I can’t say that that moment was any better than the first as they were both meaningful.
Another option to consider is on your wedding day and perhaps preceding the vows are doing you could ask him to pop down on bender knee and propose to you again and then lead into your vows. I have seen this happen and it’s quite lovely. In any event I wish you luck in all of this. Very excited for you nonetheless.

As women, we have been brainwashed by Disney, romantic comedies, and social media to think that love and proposals and ring delivery are supposed to happen a certain way. And then when it doesn’t happen that way, we think something is wrong with us. Nothing is wrong with you or your relationship. Men like to plan and prepare. They are going to spend a lot of money and they want to make sure you have the exact ring you want because they love you. Men don’t have a clue what to buy on their own. Well, men in the movies do because a woman wrote that part of the script! Asking a girl what she wants takes some of the surprise out of the proposal experience but that shouldn’t matter. What matters is that you’re going to get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend. A lot of people don’t have that. Honestly, would you want the ring that he chose without your input? If you ask around, most women knew it was coming.

Thanks for everyone’s input. This thread is quite old now and I consider it closed.

View Quoted Comment My fiancé asked me what kind of ring I wanted and I designed one online and sent it to him. He kept talking about it keeping me involved in his thought process which I wasn’t happy about bc I wanted to be surprised. He asked me again what I wanted and then told me he ordered it and it would arrive on x date. Date arrived and the store was closed for two days. Then the next time they were opened there was a snow storm. When the ring finally arrived days later I knew all about it because he told me. Then we drove to the store together to get the ring. I tried it on and then we drove home. When we got home I said ok you have to ask! So he got down on one knee and proposed. No surprises and not really romantic just reality. But it doesn’t matter. I love him. He’s the best man I’ve ever met and I get to spend the rest of my life with him. He just wanted me to be happy and get exactly what I wanted and make sure that it fit!

Please note this thread as closed. If I knew how to delete it or close it, I would. Thank you for everyone’s input.

View Quoted Comment Lol well it was at the top of my feed so I considered it opened. 😃🤣😂