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Elizabeth
Savvy October 2019

Emotional Dilemma

Elizabeth, on August 8, 2019 at 8:58 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13
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My cousin (we will call her S) was with a guy for 25 years (we will call him M). They were married with 3 beautiful kids. Apparently there was some domestic abuse that only her siblings and mother knew about. This past October M shot and killed S and himself. We are doing a memory table for others and I know I want to include S but what about M? Her siblings, mother, and children are not coming to the wedding, but the rest of my family is. I am so conflicted as to include him in the pictures or not. He was a part of my life for 25 years (I'm 30 so that's practically my ENTIRE life) but after what he did I just ... I don't know what to do. I need help!

13 Comments

Latest activity by Cher Horowitz, on August 8, 2019 at 10:17 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Is there anyone in your family you’d feel comfortable talking to about this before deciding? Personally, if I was a family member and I saw him included in the memorial table/tribute, I’d probably leave the wedding because that would be a trigger for me. But that may not be true for all families.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    I'm sorry, but I wouldn't include someone in my wedding who abused and killed my cousin. Not in any way, shape, or form. It wouldn't even be a question.

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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    Yeah, I think I have to agree with this. Sorry you are going through all that, prayers for your family.

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  • Cyndy
    Master May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    I’m sorry that you even have to think about this right now during your happy wedding planning but personally I would not include him if he killed my cousin.
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  • Jessica
    VIP June 2020
    Jessica ·
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    I know M was a big part of your life but he shot and killed your cousin. I think including him would bring up a lot of unwanted emotions within the family. I wouldn't include M in the memorial.

    Also another suggestion. If you feel strongly about including him how about instead of a picture or pictures of him you bring something that reminds you of him. Something no one will think twice about that way you know who/what its for but no one else does.

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  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie ·
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    I agree. I'm sorry for your loss.

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  • Ivy ORP
    VIP October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
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    While I understand your personal attachment to someone that was in your life for so long, I personally would have a hard time memorializing someone that did so much damage at my wedding. I couldn't imagine seeing his image, even in your wedding pictures, as a grieving family member either. I certainly wouldn't tell you not to grieve someone you loved at one time, but I also don't think it's fair to put him in a place of honor either.

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  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
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    I think it would be disrespectful to your cousin to honor her murderer. I get he was a big part of your life but... He killed her. It's a gruesome topic and I think it's better to leave him out.
    I'm sorry you even have to think about it.
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  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    Smiley sad I'm sorry for your loss. But I agree with PP I think it wouldn't be ok to also honor or acknowledge M
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  • Kellie Martinez
    Super October 2019
    Kellie Martinez ·
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    I don't want to offend you because you are mourning loved ones and you are probably more emotional than usual but I would never invite the man who abused and killed my family member. I can't imagine doing that...

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  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
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    I can't believe you are even entertaining the thought of having a picture of a killer at your wedding. Please re-think the whole memory table idea. The murder was just under a year ago? Too fresh - you are going to have people VISIBLY upset at your wedding.

    Blunt time: This is not directed at you, OP, but this whole memory table business needs to full on STOP. We all know who is gone, mention them in a program, say "We wish Grandpa could be here tonight" but setting up a table devoted to dead people? We had funerals, now let's be happy at the wedding!!!

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  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
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    Please please please reconsider having pictures of murderer at your wedding.

    If you want to leave an open seat in *her* honor that would be sweet but I would only include a picture of her (with permission from family of course. triggering painful memories could be disastrous).


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  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    The situation you described is so terrible. Please don't include a murderer's picture at your wedding. He doesn't deserve a place of honor

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