eloping and showers

You say "thanks but no thanks". Your celebration of marriage is a party, and there shouldn't be more parties around that. Say you don't want the extras.

Good instincts, OP.

The concept of a Jack and Jill to raise money for the reception is tacky.

Just tell them you have everything covered.

I gotta work on my back bone, for real...

the other complicating factors are that his best friend who is in the military can be home then, and that my mom is a crazy psycho that dictated the planning of the surprise shower. so the next is a do-over sans my crazy mother.

Practice saying what you want to say for a whole day, until you are sick of it. It will roll off your tongue. Imagine all the batshit objections you can and answer them out loud. 100% works.

No is a complete sentence.

Probably a dumb question, but what the heck is a jack & jill

HailyMarie- In most cases it is a co-ed bridal/wedding shower.

I have also heard (since my days starting with WW) that in some areas it is a party that the bride and groom throws during the planning of the wedding to raise money for the wedding. As in they spend money on food and drink for a party and invite people there and then CHARGE FOR TICKETS and then also ask for donations at the party all to fund the wedding itself.

I truly can't think of a worse or more tacky, disrespectful, selfish idea than this.

Thankfully, I think in this case the OP is thinking of having a co-ed shower, not a party begging for money.

The jack and jill is in VERY POOR TASTE. Definitely say no to that!

I literally have never heard of a Jack and Jill. After lurking I understand what it means but I'm still confused as to why anybody would do it. How did it become a thing.

So, because apparently "no" doesn't mean "no."

I proposed a party, like a bachelor/bachelorette party that the mom's can hostess, as long as it is firmly stated to please not bring gifts. they "really want to do something nice to celebrate" because they "never even celebrated our engagement." what do you guys think??

I'm trying really hard here to not lose my mind, but I really want nothing to do with this.

"Hey, Mom, we're married now, all grown up. My husband and I will throw the party and can't wait for you to be a well deserved, much honored guest. Leave the planning to us, you taught me very well."

Honesty is the best way to go. Just tell them that you feel like you would come off as gift-grabby if you did that stuff, and it makes you really uncomfortable. Of course let them know you appreciate the offer, but you have to be firm when you say you're just not okay with those parties.

Thanks guys, i'll keep trying to get my point across. I guess it won't be my fault if they don't respect my wishes... I'm so annoyed at their inability to understand the word "no."

It kind of will, Kristina. It's time to act like adults and be treated as such.

I'm not really convinced this is not something you want, with all the "I guess" "complicating factor" and other clues.

The problem I'm having is trying to keep the peace between our parents. my step mom wants to do something nice for both my sister (who is getting married in may) and I. My mother refuses to let her be involved with anything for either of us because of the history from 20 years ago. I just want my step mom to feel included.

I know that I want nothing to do with this party. I'm just trying really hard to not damage a finally growing relationship with my stepmom, who is looking forward to being involved since the in-laws had already contacted her.

Guys. success! we thought she was just planning a co-ed shower... so when we found out she wanted to do a true jack and jill, ie: charging for admission and such, that was the last straw. I text her, hubby called, she conceded. woo! thanks for all your input!

You rock--proud of you for standing up for what you think is right