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Eloping and formal ceremony

S, on June 23, 2019 at 2:02 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 6

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Ever since my best friend got engaged she has not seemed that excited to plan her wedding. I get that. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Nonetheless she and her fiancé chose to have a traditional wedding funded largely by her father. As her MoH I have shelled out quite a decent amount of money. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy to do it. But the thing is, it’s hard to care about something that she doesn’t even care about. When we were looking at floral arrangements the whole time it felt like she didn’t even want to be there and I wanted to say, “do you think I want to be here? Do you think I care what the flowers at your wedding look like?” Had she shown a shred of enthusiasm I probably would have been a lot more excited. Instead I am ready for it to be over. It’s in just over a month.
Today, she asked me if was a free next weekend because they are going to get married next Saturday and then still have the formal ceremony the first weekend in August. I am not available and they will forging ahead without me. This is fine but I have some thoughts.
1) if you elope, that is your wedding. That formal ceremony she would like to have is just a vow renewal. And after one month of marriage feels a little silly.
2) she is eloping because she worries about being the center of attention day of. I think getting married beforehand will make that worse.
3)if she wants to elope and the proceed with the reception (no ceremony) I think that’s fine. Should she pay me back for my dress though?
4) I am a little hurt/offended wants to have both. It feels a little greedy. All that being said, it’s not my wedding.

Thoughts? Are my feelings fair? I plan to just roll with punches but would you do something differently?

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Laura, on June 23, 2019 at 4:39 PM

Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 23, 2019 at 2:32 AM
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Roll with the punches. Be supportive of her when she needs you to be and just in general. It's ok for her to have a ceremony after getting married at a courthouse and it wouldn't necessarily be considered a vow renewal.
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on June 23, 2019 at 4:13 AM
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Why is her lack of enthusiasm about her wedding a problem for YOU? Why are YOU hurt about what your friend wants? You agreed to be her MOH. However if you really don’t support what she’s doing then express your feelings and back out. Also I don’t see how having a secret wedding is greedy. What additional is she getting from her elopement that makes it “greedy”, if no one even knows about it?

It sounds as if it’s something else that’s truly eating at you about her wedding.
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Super June 2019
Mary · on June 23, 2019 at 6:33 AM
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I wouldn't care about that. I was one of those brides that was unenthusiastic about wedding planning. I found it to be not fun and inconvenient. I didn't care about the small details and was annoyed when I had to pick things like flowers, songs, etc. My husband was the same way. We got married last sunday and it all still came together. Everyone loved it and I don't regret not caring more. Some women don't care about the wedding itself. We didn't but only had the ceremony and reception for the families. She could be like that. I would'nt worry about it.
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on June 23, 2019 at 2:58 PM
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I can totally understand if you are upset that they had a change of plans and you can't be apart of the elopement. But you don't say that, only a lot of judgmental things.. Your feelings are yours but you're expecting too much.. it's not your wedding. You seem to be missing that point. So what if they want to do something else one month after? That she seems unenthusiastic? Feels greedy? What??

If I were you, I'd adjust expectations and stop judging their actions and their plans. Be supportive. Its OK to let her know that you really wanted to be there and you feel bummed/disappointed/whatever. Then wish her a good time.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on June 23, 2019 at 4:38 PM
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This.
It's very possible she always wanted a very small thing and at her parents insistence (and funding) agreed to do a big shindig.
Her enthusiasm for her own wedding is her business. If it bothers you- stop being involved. You are required to get a dress and stand up in the ceremony, nothing else. Stop going to flowers or other events if it's going to bother you.
For your points-
1. Yes, technically it's legally a renewal or a celebration. HOWEVER to call it silly is so rude and judgemental. As I said above- this could be the middle ground between two wants (her own vs families.)
2. What? Why? No. See again my middle ground comment.
3. Where did that even COME FROM? Sounds like she is in no way planning to cancel the big ceremony for only a reception so??? I really hope you don't have the audacity to plan on suggesting this to her. Stand up in the big ceremony and be happy that you get to share in this second celebration.
4. Just see all other points, really. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings but clearly this is about something more/something else.

I agree that it sounds like something else is bothering you and you're coming off as very judgemental and honestly? Jealous. I feel very sorry for your friend because as her MOH you're supposed to be closest to her and most loving and supportive of her and instead seem to be doing the opposite.
I hope you work out whatever underlying issues you're having and be there for your friend, OP.
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Super September 2026
Laura · on June 23, 2019 at 4:39 PM
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I have a different take. You said she was not enthusiastic about the plans, but then surprised by the elopement. Perhaps, the stress was getting to her and she and her FH decided to limit the trauma and elope. Or, perhaps another situation (changes at work, family member illness, certain family members unable to attend, etc) that was coloring how she viewed her engagement. I would say that her fiance is being very understanding and that it might be wise to consider that there are things going on in private that she's just not ready to share yet.
If she wants a small elopement, outside of the planned wedding, then she should have that. Maybe the formal ceremony a month later is for her parent's feelings or because people (like you) have already have paid money to attend.
Ultimately, give your friend the benefit of the doubt and some compassion. *(My best friend married early due to needing medical benefits - her date was already set. She hid the elopement and revealed it after she was married in front of everyone.) I felt weird about it for 20 seconds... and then I decided to be her best friend and support her choices.
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