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cdelray
Savvy January 2023

Eloping after initially deciding on a larger Dw??

cdelray, on November 20, 2019 at 4:04 PM Posted in Planning 0 36
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Hi all! I need some advice :/
My FH and I have been engaged since 2017, over the course of the years leading up to today we were planning a DW. It was originally supposed to be a small gathering with maybe 30 people and.. then the guest list ended up getting out of control. We sent out Save The Dates several months ago and after coming to the horrible conclusion that unless we wanted to be $20k in debt, we should probably change our course. My family has been difficult with me in terms of planning, I’m feeling way more overwhelmed and stressed out than I had thought I’d be. We came to a decision a few nights ago that we should just “elope” in our location of the DW with a max of 10 guests (I have elope in “” because I realize it’s more like an intimate ceremony).

What do I do now?? We have informed our guests on the website that we were holding off on the plans. Do I send them a more formal change so everyone knows it’s off? Will people not even really care? I never got to the formal invite part, just the STD’s were sent out.
I feel really horrible about all of this because we were just going to postpone the wedding (so we told our vendors that) and then my FH voiced that we shouldn’t keep waiting- we’ve been together for 8 years. And I agree with him! It’s been more stressful planning this huge thing when we’ve been together so long because it doesn’t feel that special and we’ve always been the kind of people that it’s just US. We are a 2 person team and we basically can only count on each other. (Sorry thats side tracking a little bit)... but now I’m reluctant to tell my vendors again that we change our minds once again! I feel like an idiot and I need help 😞 how do I deal with feeling like a fool? Lol.. this is what we want and we have both agreed that this is the plan and we aren’t changing it, (I am very indecisive and I also try WAY too hard to accommodate to everyone else).

36 Comments

Latest activity by thisismrsb, on November 28, 2019 at 7:18 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    When was your initial date? I wouldn’t rely on the website to alert people and if guests would have already needed to start booking travel, I’d send something ASAP about your plans changing. As far as vendors go, did they all cancel or just postpone to a new date? If your date is soon, I’d just be prepared that they may have booked a new couple for that day.
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  • cdelray
    Savvy January 2023
    cdelray ·
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    Our initial date was May 9, 2020 and we are keeping that date, just changing our plans. My photographers are the ones that we haven’t updated yet, we told them about pushing it back a year (May 9, 2021) and they were available for that. But I am not too concerned if I can’t get them on our little intimate ceremony. The vendor I am working with for the ceremony does have a package that includes photography. We are still set to do engagement photos (we still haven’t done them), and then if they aren’t available or it doesn’t work for them to come with us to the new plans, I was going to see if we could either set up a different photo shoot or just deal with the fact that they aren’t available. At least we’d be getting some photos by them :/


    And okay I will get on that. I have a fb page created because I realized that not everyone would check the website and that I should probably have another means for quick info. I did make a post on there. If sending out something formal, do I say that we are eloping or just that it is called off?
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  • L
    Lady ·
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    I would formally let everyone know that your current plans have been cancelled since you already sent STDs (they'll be expecting invites). Then plan the tiny wedding or elopement and send out marriage announcements to all the people that were on your original list just so they are aware.

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  • Jennifer
    Devoted September 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    I totally know where you're coming from, it's so easy to get overwhelmed with everything that a wedding could be, especially if you're easy going and a people-pleaser...this leads to a *lot* of indecisiveness. I feel ya, girl.


    In terms of notifying your guests: I wouldn't say "the wedding is off" because that implies you two are no longer engaged and have broken up. Say something more like "we've decided to have a super intimate ceremony with just our closest family members, but we would love to catch up with you afterward to celebrate" something like that. It helps to make a gesture to connect afterward so they know you still value their friendship and want to share part of the nuptials with them.
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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    Can you change the date for the smaller wedding? Since you've already sent out save the dates and you intend on keeping the same date and venue, what you are proposing to do is actually uninviting all the other people to the wedding, which is poor etiquette and can cause hurt feelings.

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I think have the intimate ceremony but do a post elopement reception. I think you should explain that to people that it's becoming more than rejected and you decided to minimize things. It might upset some people but they can get over it. You could do a cruise wedding and everyone paid their own way then do the wedding at a destination. A friend of mine did that.
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  • cdelray
    Savvy January 2023
    cdelray ·
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    The venue that we chose for the small one is basically a guy that does ceremonies only. The one that I sent STDs out to was for a resort down there :/ that we can’t totally afford anymore. Does that change your response or do you still think we should change the date?
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  • cdelray
    Savvy January 2023
    cdelray ·
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    That’s a good idea! And we did have the thought to do a cruise wedding in our one of many ideas lol...
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  • cdelray
    Savvy January 2023
    cdelray ·
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    Thank you for this advice! I will definitely get those sent out ASAP. And yeah, unfortunately in trying to please everyone and make sure everyone felt included, we kinda screwed ourselves over :/ so now no one gets to go I guess lol
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  • Jennifer
    Devoted September 2020
    Jennifer ·
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    A girl after my own heart haha. I hope you have the most perfect, special day 🙂
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I think she had fun and she and her hubby married in St. Thomas and she said the cruise planned it. Another option is I have heard you could have the wedding prior to departure and people that cannot afford to travel can disembark before.

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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    I would still change the date. Is there any way you can move it by even a couple of days? It would be different if you were actually eloping and had no guests in attendance, but to have a wedding with guests on the same date at the same destination that you sent everyone STD's for really does make people feel that you're uninviting them, even if that isn't your intention.

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  • Adrienne
    Dedicated February 2020
    Adrienne ·
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    I'm so sorry you're stressed! I was feeling the same way when we started planning in October after getting engaged. We've been together for almost 10 years. We thought about what kind of wedding we'd want and decided on something intimate and low key. I have a huge family and once I started looking at inviting in circles for both of us, it would have been way more than we would ever spend on a vacation! I can't imagine spending thousands of dollars on one day when we don't even do that for vacations. Once we had everything set with our venue I ordered our invitations, and sent them to immediate family and a few close friends. Our guest list is 20, which keeps us within our budget.
    I sent out an announcement yesterday on my social media pages to alert family and friends of our plans, and that we will be having a summer BBQ to celebrate our wedding with anyone interested in that. We probably disappointed a lot of people, I know family had been asking my parents about our wedding, but we are doing what works for us. In 100 days I'm becoming a Mrs. finally and I can't wait!
    Good luck, and don't stress. Buy yourself something wedding-ish on Etsy (like a cute ring dish) and have a glass of wine while browsing through Pinterest. 🥰
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  • cdelray
    Savvy January 2023
    cdelray ·
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    Thank you so SO much for this advice! It is so nice to hear that I am not the only one getting stress headaches over this lol.. I am right there with ya, we can't imagine spending this much money on ONE day! It is insane! And I am left just feeling horrible that I already sent out the STDs but it has been quite relieving knowing that we are sticking to the plan that is "us" and just going to do it with at MAX 10 guests.

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  • cdelray
    Savvy January 2023
    cdelray ·
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    I totally get what you are saying. Here's another point then, this would then be the third time I am asking this guy (for the ceremony) to switch our date...how annoying is that?? lol... I feel like throughout this whole process I have been someone that I am not. I am usually quite levelheaded and relaxed, but this has me totally out of my mind and I keep changing everything and am left feeling like a major loser and bridezilla Smiley sad

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  • cdelray
    Savvy January 2023
    cdelray ·
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    Thank you so much, that means a lot. At this point I'm hoping it just turns out somewhat decent LOL

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  • Adrienne
    Dedicated February 2020
    Adrienne ·
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    Don't feel horrible. If you're able to make it work, use the save the dates for a reception that's low key and inexpensive. If not just focus on your wedding and how you can make it special for you and your future husband, and maybe scope out some things for your honeymoon too ;-). It's your day, no one else's. Life happens and things change. Your save the dates aren't set in stone, so don't worry.
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  • cdelray
    Savvy January 2023
    cdelray ·
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    :' ) thank you for the reassurance. It is making me feel much more at ease

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  • Adrienne
    Dedicated February 2020
    Adrienne ·
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    You're welcome. I wish I had received the same advice while I was planning things out. I couldn't sleep until we found our venue and it worked for our budget. I had a little snafu yesterday with the guest list, but it worked out okay, I think. Now get over to Etsy and buy a $5 ring dish for your rings!
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  • Adrienne
    Dedicated February 2020
    Adrienne ·
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