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Emily
Just Said Yes April 2022

Elopement - how to deal with friends & family

Emily, on July 10, 2021 at 5:32 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 5
Hi everyone!
I’m facing a dilemma right now. For backstory, my fiancé and I are very introverted people and don’t care for large social gatherings or parties (total homebodies!) and I’ve never really envisioned myself with a big wedding, even when I was a kid!
Also, both our parents are divorced (mine freshly divorced due to a toxic relationship with some bad feelings). A traditional wedding just doesn’t seem right for us!So we have decided on an adventure elopement in the UK which seems absolutely perfect and we’re very excited! However, I’m not sure how to tell friends and family that they aren’t invited to our marriage ceremony! We will be having beautiful “elopement announcements” sent out to everyone and we’re considering a post-eloping celebration dinner, but in the meantime, everyone keeps asking us “do you have a date yet?” “Where’s it going to be?”, and I just keep saying “um we don’t know yet!”So, should I continue keeping it a surprise (I hate lying to people!), or tell friends and family ahead of time that we’re actually eloping? (Maybe they could enjoy helping us plan it?)And if we do tell them - how? I know many people will have hurt feelings…especially my mother! I hate disappointing people since I know it’s important to them, but I want to have a wedding we love! Thanks in advance for any advice!

5 Comments

Latest activity by Heather, on August 2, 2021 at 5:35 PM
  • Frankie
    Dedicated April 2022
    Frankie ·
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    I would keep it a surprise because chances are that both families will give you much backlash and will keep pressuring you to have a 'real' wedding with ceremony with family,friends and a reception.
    Even if you gyus are 100% sure you won't give in to them, it will annoy you often with the risk of losing your cool.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    It usually goes much better if you just wait to tell people after you elope. Sure, some people might be disappointed, but what can they do at that point? If you tell people that you are planning to elope, you open yourself up to hear all kinds of unsolicited advice and opinions, and you will likely extend the period of any potential disappointment.

    As for the people who are asking you about your plans now, it's fine to just say you are still discussing it/deciding between yourselves and then change the subject.

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  • Lynnie
    WeddingWire Administrator October 2016
    Lynnie ·
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    It's up to you Emily, and how you feel your friends & family would best react!! I'd probably answer general "where" and "when" questions from friends with a vague "we're not sure yet, but thinking about a destination elopement or something really small!"

    I'd talk to your closest friends & family personally - and either tell them your plans in advance or personally share the news afterwards in person or on the phone! Smiley heart

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  • Kari
    Master May 2020
    Kari ·
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    I would just tell them.

    The day is about you and your FH and no one else. Your adventure elopement sounds amazing and like a perfect fit for you based on everything you shared in your post.

    I think trying to keep a secret is going to be stressful and just make things worse. And if somehow the elopement secret spills and you aren't the one to tell people, it will lead to more hurt feelings than if you just are upfront and honest about your decision to elope. You do not need to elaborate on the fact that one of the reasons you are eloping is due to the failed marriages of your parents (which is a fair reason, but might lead to some hurt feelings), nor do you really need to explain yourself to anyone.

    You know your family best though. I just personally wouldn't be able to have a "secret plan" for months and not feel horribly guilty lying to those I loved. I would come clean, or I'd elope quickly, but I couldn't drag out the secret very long.

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  • Heather
    Super November 2021
    Heather ·
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    Emily,

    It is difficult to decide on whether you want to announce your elopement or not because either way some family and friends may feel some type of way. You will have those who feel obligated to be there. Then you will have those who feel hurt because you didn't think of them (even though it's all about YOU). Etc. I plan on having a microwedding and I am not announcing it. Yes, I will be keeping it a secret, and yes, I am prepared for what family and friends will think or say because I don't care. At the end of the day it is about me and my FH. If they are making it about THEMSELVES that just shows me that they are making it about THEM rather than thinking about my happiness.

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