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Just Said Yes July 2021

Elopement and Wedding???

Sam, on March 9, 2021 at 1:52 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18

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I'm looking for advice and support. My parents are paying for most everything and in the initial planning stages, they said a destination elopement was not an option, though that is what I wanted (FH doesn't care).
We went ahead and booked the venue and photographer because I had no other option, then I told FH I still want to elope. Wedding date is next year over a year out
We're going on a trip in a few months where I wanted to elope. Would it be wrong to elope there in secret and continue on with the wedding like nothing happened? There's no telling my parents about it, I just want to know if anyone else has done it or knows anything about it. I know there would be issues with marriage license and telling our officiant There's no reason my parents would need our marriage certificate, right?

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18 Comments

Latest activity by whirlwind, on March 11, 2021 at 7:22 AM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on March 9, 2021 at 2:00 PM
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Yes, it would absolutely be wrong. You’re adults, if you want to elope, do the right thing and turn down your parents money. If you’re mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to own it.
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Super November 2021
Heather · on March 9, 2021 at 2:00 PM
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Sam,
Congrats! And this is a tough call.. While it is nice that they are paying for mostly everything you still can elope. Have a heart to heart with them on why you want to elope. Maybe come up with a compromise where you can still elope and have the wedding. It is still YOUR wedding after all. So, you should be able to do whatever you want!
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on March 9, 2021 at 2:02 PM
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I would not do this, it would be disingenuous. If you want to elope, then elope, but don't do so in secret.
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on March 9, 2021 at 2:09 PM
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Would it be wrong to elope there in secret and continue on with the wedding like nothing happened? Yes, it would be incredibly deceitful and frankly disrespectful to your parents. Whether you believe it now or not, the truth will eventually come out, whether it is by accident or sheerly out of guilt. Don't set yourself up for a lifetime of lies. Your elopement plans sound like exactly what you dream of, so stop allowing your parents to plan and invest in a wedding that you don't even want.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on March 9, 2021 at 2:21 PM
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Please don't lie to your parents and still take their money to pay for your celebration. I can't imagine anything good coming from that. I think your choices are to decline your parents' money and have the wedding you want or accept your parents' money on their terms. If you can't afford the wedding that you want now, then postpone it until you can or downsize your expectations.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on March 9, 2021 at 2:23 PM
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I didn't see you double posted, so I will copy my response here: Please don't lie to your parents and still take their money to pay for your celebration. I can't imagine anything good coming from that. I think your choices are to decline your parents' money and have the wedding you want or accept your parents' money on their terms. If you can't afford the wedding that you want now, then postpone it until you can or downsize your expectations.
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Expert September 2020
Amanda · on March 9, 2021 at 2:25 PM
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If you want to elope, be honest with them. Under most circumstances I would say it isn’t anyone’s business but since they’re paying for the wedding that would be very deceiving and unfair to them.
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Master January 2022
SLY · on March 9, 2021 at 2:30 PM
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I strongly suggest not doing this....
How would you feel if you paid a good chunk of your child's wedding to find out that they eloped in secret?? Like others have said, the truth will eventually come out one way or the other, resulting in many hurt feelings.
If you want to elope no matter what, then elope and tell them AND don't have them pay for anything. If you still want the wedding they're helping pay for, then you need to have a conversation with them and see if there's a way you can still elope and tell them, but have the wedding. If they aren't on board with the elopement still, then decline their money and help, and elope.
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on March 9, 2021 at 3:02 PM
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You’re adults and presumably support yourselves, right? Go elope. Tell your parents you don’t want a wedding. They don’t need to approve. Just go do it.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on March 9, 2021 at 3:18 PM
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I mean, there’s no reason that your parents would need your marriage certificate, but what if your officiant accidentally mentions it to them because that person thinks they know you’re already married? Will you be prepared for the fall out from that lie?
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Expert September 2020
Amanda · on March 9, 2021 at 3:57 PM
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Is your concern that they won’t pay for the wedding if they know you elope beforehand? If so, I think you have your answer.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on March 9, 2021 at 4:18 PM
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Yes as Caytlyn and others mentioned, it is wrong to lie to your guests and not be accountable adults making your own choices with your own finances. I have attended events that the couples called the "real wedding" following a secret elopement and guests were livid when they found out they were deceived.
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Master 0000
Judith · on March 9, 2021 at 6:11 PM
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You may be fine with lying about it. But most on here will say that if you are mature enough to be married, you should either run off and elope, then tell everyone. Or tell your parents out front that you will earn the money to have the wedding you want, and follow through. It is time to separate from your parents and become a new family. not carry on a charade of doing what they want, while you sneak around and lie about it.
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on March 9, 2021 at 6:31 PM
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Yes, it would be wrong. Don't lie to people you're close to because you don't want to have a hard conversation or because you want to keep their funding. It is wildly hurtful and always wrong to lie to the people in your lives about whether or not you are married (and it has become way more common during the pandemic).

Tell your parents what you want. Hear their perspective. If their funding was contingent on not doing this, either don't do it or give back the money. Be an adult.
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on March 9, 2021 at 9:15 PM
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Totally agree with everyone! Don’t be deceitful to your parents. That is wrong on so many levels. Have the conversation with them about what you want & give the $$ back. If you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough for this conversation. Be an adult.
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Lady · on March 10, 2021 at 10:05 AM
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This 100%. It would be pretty awful of you to get married in secret then help you parents plan a fake wedding that they will pay for. If you don't want the big wedding or your parents money, just tell them that. You're a soon-to-be-married grown up person - it's ok to disagree with mom and dad.
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Expert April 2022
Fred · on March 11, 2021 at 7:12 AM
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"Would it be wrong to elope there in secret and continue on with the wedding like nothing happened?"
HELL NO!! Either you accept their money and the strings attached, or you decline, you and partner pay for everything and do what YOU want elope and plan a reception'later on with your own money.
Eloping in secret is fine when the parents are not contributing or they are but are Okay with this.Plus the truth will come out one day.
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Devoted March 2021
whirlwind · on March 11, 2021 at 7:22 AM
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I have friends whose kids did this. Of course it came out and it caused a lot of heartbreak and conflict. Why would you want to do that to your parents and to yourself?

I can't see any reason why starting out a marriage in secret and hiding is a good idea.
You need to make up your mind (together with your FH) what you want. An elopment or the big wedding that your parents want to pay for. I don't think you can have both. If you decide to elope, talk to your parents and forego the big party.

Maybe a compromise could be a micro wedding. That wouldn't rob your parents of their moment but it would still be intimate if you are not into a big wedding.
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