Elopement and children advice needed

It will be just me and FH. No one else will be there. For clarification, My 8 year old is fine with the elopement she is excited about the dress shopping and planning for a celebration afterwards. She keeps mentioning that my FH with finally officially be her stepdad. (we've been together for 5 years) She's just so excited I wanted her to feel as included as possible.

Maybe since she's so excited you should include her in your wedding.

I’m sorry but no “honrorary” title is going to make up for not including her at the wedding. I can’t imagine that they are 100% ok with your decision, even though they probably won’t tell you that. She’s excited you’re getting married and you getting married changes their life too so why wouldn’t you include your children?

Or maybe you shouldn't get guilt tripped for your decisions, that's good too.

I think including her in as much of the process as you can would be nice. Definitely the shirt idea and maybe a tote bag or something with "bridesmaid" on it she can use all the time. You could also have a girls' day in place of a bach party so you all can do something fun together before you elope.

Thank you @LillyBean17. I'm not doing a bach party or any of that stuff but I like the girl's day idea. We are eloping, among other reasons, because we cannot afford a wedding. We are saving to buy a bigger house for our new, expanded family. It was a choice we felt would be best for everyone. The small celebration was a way to celebrate with our children so they will be a part of it.

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I'm sorry but this doesn't make sense to me. You can still elope and include your children in the ceremony. In fact, several places have "elopement packages" that allow you to invite up to 20 people. Thus, including your children would not cost you anything.

Thank you for your input. I did look into that and everywhere I looked (we live in FL and want to stay in FL for cost reasons) the elopement for the two of us was free (we would basically just take a weekend and go away) but including people was an additional few thousand dollars. I'm not opposed to continuing to look and find something that we can do. I'm open to recommendations on places.

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Check around at parks, restaurants, any location where you could have a small ceremony by hiring the officiant and just having your children present. Or go to City Hall and have your ceremony there with them. Then you can go away for the weekend.

FH and I are “eloping” as well and we share an older child (12). I couldn’t imagine not having him present for the ceremony even though he would most likely say he doesn’t care. I’d suggest really taking a step back to evaluate excluding your children from your ceremony and the long term impacts of that. I think there’s a balance of still foregoing a traditional wedding by having a simple ceremony with only your children present and continuing on your way for an adult only honeymoon vs. eloping without your children. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

You could have a small ceremony before you elope and she could be a part of that.

My son is 8 and he is thrilled that I am remarrying. He tells everyone how excited he is to be part of our wedding, and helps with planning as much as a child can.

His biological father is also remarrying and doesn't plan to have him there. At 8 years old, I can tell you he is already hurt and upset about this decision. And the older he gets I suspect the more it will bother him to be excluded from a major life event.

It's your choice to do what you like but I cannot imagine excluding your children from something that involves your whole family. I think there will be consequences that no "bridesmaid" stuff will salve.

I was in highschool when my mother got remarried and for many other reasons, it was icing on the cake when she decided to go elope in Las Vegas without even considering myself or my sister. Not that I’m saying you put your husband before your children but we were no priority to my mother and even though i may not of wanted to go, the fact that she didn’t even consider us was to me astounding. I mean i found out she was even getting married through a cousin.....

sorry for the personal rant, but my point is your children are your children and a marriage is an impact on the family unit. I could not imagine not including my own children on that day. If your staying so close I’m surprised you don’t just get married with them there and then leave to do your little honeymoon without them.

View Quoted Comment That isn’t why we slammed you, and you know it.

Thank you, Becca. I appreciate the support.

I appreciate everyone's comments. It's hard to hear criticism when you come looking for support (it is harder when it has to do with your children) but I like to look at it as you all are supporting my girls. They are my world and I appreciate your input and take it to heart. I have a long time before my 'date' and nothing has been paid for or decided on so I will continue to talk to my girls and decide what is best for my family. My girls are amazing and bring me so much happiness and I want my girls to be happy, feel included, and never have hard feelings. I took them at their word when we discussed this but I do understand they are children so they may have been trying to make me happy.

Thank you again, everyone, for giving me a different perspective and plenty to think about.

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I did that because traditionally eloping is running away and getting married without telling anybody. That was not our plan. We were going to be upfront about what we were going to do, date, plans, everything. We were just going to go on our own and not have a wedding; so not a traditional elopement.

I'm new to this so I'm not sure how to word things. I'm reading abbreviations and trying to decode them and have no clue. lol

I have two kids as well and that's the reason we are not eloping. Instead we are having a small private ceremony (immediate family only) and then a causal reception. I also considered doing a small DW with the kids and other family but decided against that.

I understand wanting to elope, but I think in the long run it is likely to be hurtful to your daughters.

This breaks my heart to see everyone ignore your need and come in with their judgments. That fact that you’re searching for how to help your daughters feel a part of this shows you’ve considered their feelings. Who are we to assume what kind of “damage” your decision will do or that you haven’t already considered all that. You deserve the benefit of the doubt, and I’m sorry you haven’t gotten that.

It sounds like to me that you have great communication with your girls, and I’d encourage you to let them tell you what they need to feel included. I love the shirt and bag, maybe special jewelry, or a “ceremony” or celebration that they can plan that can be done pre or post wedding. I think it’s great to take some time with you and FH and do this privately. I’m becoming a stepmom too, to a baby That is now 3.5 years and Ive been in his life for over 2 years. Maybe promises can be exchanged between the girls and their future stepdad? I’m not sure, but asking the girls how you can help them feel a part of this and continuing open communication seems vital.

If you decide to ultimately elope with just the two of you, you could always do a family photo shoot, either before or after. Have everyone dress up and act as if you're at your wedding. I also like the shirt and tote idea for when you go shopping.

Just as an idea if you want to include the kids.....my fiance and I are doing a super casual micro wedding. Just us and some very close family and friends. We're renting an airBnb and having a party there and having a friend officiate on the balcony. Also having a friend do the photography. We're having a cookout so food will be cheap. Our kids were adamant about being there when we get married, so this was a cheap option for us.

Also an idea.....the beach is free! You're in Florida. Have a friend get ordained and get married with the kiddos on the beach. We had friends that did that and had a party with all their friends later.

I hope this helps! Congrats and good luck!

My now husband and I eloped, it was an adult only event, only inviting our immediate family (parents and brother). He has a son, my SS8 and we had no care for him on our elopement and honeymoon (parents live in a different part of the country, so he would’ve had to join for our honeymoon - this wasn’t an option). I love my SS, and I plan on having him be a part of our convalidation/ceremony back at home in a church. The elopement and honeymoon was/is about my DH and I, tying and uniting ourselves together. The honeymoon is about celebrating and growing our new bond, basking in intimate moments. Kids don’t need to be a part of everything, a wedding is about the couple not anyone else. Elope and don’t feel guilty about what you want. Blended families always put the kids needs first, which they should, but a child’s ‘want’ shouldn’t dictate the adult relationship. Step parents continually compromise and step aside to let the bio parents and child have their relationship. You’re allowed to have one day, your wedding day the way you want (and your honeymoon). All in all, do what feels right but don’t let anyone emotionally blackmail you into something you’re not comfortable with.


My SS has claimed he has ‘13 emotional wounds’ from being excluded. Ultimately kids will get over it, and in time they’ll process the disappointment. When they’re adults and get married themselves they’ll understand not wanting to have kids on a honeymoon/weddingmoon.