"East coast etiquette" and not attending weddings

If you know that attending will make that you that angry and uncomfortable, do not attend and do not send any gift. An invite is not a summons. It doesn’t matter who the couple is.


Personally I don’t agree with your fiancé at all. None of those things are courteous to a guest. He can attend on his own if he wishes.

So...being from the NY metro area, I have the same opinion as you lol. I don't know if that is cultural, but my SIL's wife is from the south and when they were planning their wedding, the main difference was really that wedding up here have way more elaborate cocktail hours. Down there, an assorted cheese platter platter and crudite is the standard, and anything else is extra. But, it's still food and beverages during the hour long gap. Just not as elaborate as what is common up here.

And I don't agree with the idea of "couple dropping $10-20k so guests should kick in." First of all, what are they spending $20k on if they aren't even doing a hosted bar? And no, guests should not have to pull out their wallets at an event. When you invite someone to your home, do you charge for alcohol? Unless you're a college fraternity, the answer is no. A wedding is an extension of that. You are inviting people to your party and should host them accordingly. Also, guests are not just showing up and eating and leaving. While not required, they are also usually giving a monetary gift, at least in my experience.

I've been to 1 wedding (was a bridesmaid) in Massachusetts with a cash bar, and that was primarily to disway several of groom's alcoholic relatives from getting drunk (they knew that those people wouldn't pay). I wasn't the biggest fan, but I understood, and the bride was 1 of my best friends. Otherwise, the couple made sure that guests and bridal party had a good time and enjoyed themselves.

Just because someone is getting married doesn't mean they can treat their guests like second class citizens or servants. The reception is the couple's way of thanking their guests for attending their ceremony and for all the support they have given on that day (and in general).

We are declining to attend a wedding for this very reason! Couple is getting married in home state, but is requesting guests stay on-location anyway (at $400+ per night) because they want the entire venue to themselves. They are having a 1pm garden wedding (garden party attire), then hosting a 2 hour cocktail “hour” (3-5) which requires guests to change into cocktail attire, then reception from 7-midnight where guests are to wear formal attire. This is just too excessive for us, especially since we are not close to the bride or groom (groom’s parents are family friends). We will be declining to attend and will send a very nice gift instead (even an extravagant monetary gift will be cheaper than attending the wedding and A LOT less inconvenient)

I am from a town in the Mid-Atlantic (definitely not a city) and have similar opinions as you on etiquette. Scenario 1 I would understand but be annoyed. 2, 3, and 4 would all make me very upset! The last is definitely the worst and no way would I want to go! I would give a card if attending but otherwise would just send a gift and skip it.


My cousin had a destination wedding in Ireland on the same week that every college started fall semester that year. My sister and I were both invited (on the invite sent to my parents house, not our own). It was my first year at college and my sister's third. No one in my family went and my parents thought the cost and timing was insulting. They were basically inviting every member of our family while only expecting their siblings and parents to be able to show up.

East coaster here, from Baltimore.


I agree with some of it and some I don't, lol.
1. Dating for a year and no invite: The rule I've always heard and gone by is No Ring, No Bring. So to me this is fine.
2. Destination wedding in Europe: I'd decline this one after hearing the costs, it can't be expected for people to come (at all) when it's in another country.
3. Cash bar: No problem, this is common around here.
4. If it was too hot and miserable, I just wouldn't go. Asking for cash upon invite is definitely weird.
For the current situation, if outdoor bbq isn't your thing or the hotel is too expensive, decline. Don't feel obligated to attend anything or pay for anything you don't want to. If your FH accepted being a groomsman, there are expenses with that. If it's out of your budget, decline. Etiquette here is if you decline, at least send a nice wedding card in the mail with $50 in it or something. Let them know you're busy and that's it!

Born and bred East Coast - the things he’s listing are just bad hosting. Unfortunately, lots of bad hosts throw parties.
One caveat - I grew up poor. If a bride and groom scraped together enough to have a wedding in a hall/venue, they couldn’t afford open bar too. I’m old though and I think weddings have really changed a lot in the last 30-40 years

WOW, I am shocked that he thinks that Southeasterns don't have an issue with cash bars... lived in the Southeast for 30 years and I have never seen a cash bar, and I have never heard of anyone in any part of the South who wouldn't consider that absolutely offensive, either!

Now, most of these things you listed wouldn't bother me - but that is also way different from "I think they're okay," if that makes sense. I would never be bothered by a cash bar, because I don't drink. It makes exactly zero difference to me. However, I would never do it, and I agree that in my area (the Southeast!) it is culturally very rude. I also wouldn't be bothered by being invited only to the reception, but I have very neutral feelings about that. I wouldn't do it simply because the expensive part of a wedding is the reception, so I don't really understand the purpose of doing this (unless the ceremony venue is deeply personal and can only fit X number of people like your childhood church or something).

Also, I do think No Ring, No Bring is rude. This again falls under the category of, "it wouldn't have bothered me, but I wouldn't do it and I think it's rude." I don't think it's appropriate for a couple to decide whether or not someone deserves to be allowed to bring their SO based on whether or not they are engaged, because there are many people who simply choose not to get married and that doesn't make their relationship less valid, and also up until very recently, there were many people who couldn't get married.

The things I think are very rude and would affect my behavior directly:

1. Asking for gifts. Putting a registry card in the invitation, or a line about preferring cash in lieu of gifts. I wouldn't decline attending, but I would not give a gift to a couple that blatantly asked for one.

2. Ceremony and reception locations that are far apart if you expect your guests to drive themselves. If it is more than a 20-minute drive, inclusive of traffic, I think this is rude. Again, I wouldn't decline attending - but I have attended only a ceremony because of a 30-minute drive from the ceremony to the reception that I was expected to make myself.

I’m from the South, lived in NYC for 10 yrs, now back in the South. There are many many cultural differences for sure. My observation is that weddings in the South are less likely to follow a template as much as they do in other places. So, you really don’t know what your walking into. Etiquette “rules” are seen more as “guidelines,” and ppl are certainly inclined to make (sometimes poor) decisions in order to stand out from the crowd. Not always fun for the guests, but makes a good story later 😄


I would expect someone to decline to attend if they didn’t want to (for whatever reason). The formal attire & port-a-potty thing...DEFINITELY would ✅ “not attending.” I’ve got no problem with the cash bar, hotel room costs, or destination weddings either because I would decline those too if I couldn’t afford it. But I wouldn’t be offended by it. If you feel you have to attend, maybe you can come up with a good exit strategy when you get unbearably miserable?

Omg, girl, at least you already know about the portopotties! Formal dress code and portopotties, they must be kidding!!! Bless his heart for trying to defend his circle, that’s a lot of corner cutting at the expense of guests in this circle! As a previous commenter alluded to, this sounds like potentially a financial class difference, not a geographic difference. Some couples can only afford a cake & punch wedding but want the full wedding experience, perhaps at the expense of the guests.

I will say, I HATE destinations, like, I actually hate them. I cannot wrap my head around the concept of asking guests to take time off work and incur an expense just to get to the wedding. I will only go to them as a matter of principle if it is family and I have to, or if it is in a location I want to visit.

In saying this, other than that, I don’t think I would flat out refuse to attending a wedding because of some of these things. Sure, I think cash bars are tacky, as are ‘tiered’ invitations (mind you, I really don’t care about asking for cash gifts because where I live, these are totally normal and socially acceptable) but I don’t think I would not attend a wedding solely because of those things, but hey that is just me.

It may be a city thing or a Northeast thing, but I'm from Boston and would side eye all of this, as would my friends and family. Just a cash bar alone would get some serious judgement, nevermind any of the other faux pas OP listed.

I'm from the mid-west, and while partial hosted or full cash bars are very common they still rub me the wrong way. A lot of the weddings I've worked/been to the couple pays for at least the wedding party and their so/guest along with parents to drink on their dime but I still find it rude.

Dollar dances and no seating charts are at practically every wedding along with honeymoon fund boxes and more.

I would absolutely laugh at someone if they told me I had to wear black-tie to a BBQ dinner with porta potties. Not a chance. These people are seriously out of their minds.

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I'm also from the Midwest and cash bars rub me the wrong way also. I just got a save the date and my Fiancé was not listed on the envelope - the couple also specified on the back of the STD that only people on the envelope were invited, no exceptions - we have been together 6 years and engaged for almost 2. The wedding got moved up to this year from 2023 and will be 2 1/2 hours away and their reception at a chain wings place, only having 30 people. I just can't bring myself to go because I'd have to pay for gas, tolls, give a gift and pay for a hotel room - I'm just going to send a gift in the mail. We got invited to his friends wedding right before COVID as FH's Name and Guest - when we were engaged. I personally think honeymoon funds are tacky, as well as the dollar dance - I would not do them. I'm such a stickler for addressing envelopes properly and making sure I know my guests significant others.

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Right!?! I can't even judge all the other issues because I just can't get past the idea that someone wants me to wear my black tie gown into a type of restroom that usually has urine (or worse) on every surface. There's no way that's happening

I grew up in northern New Jersey, eleven miles from the GWB, so basically the NYC suburbs, in a very white collar, middle class neighborhood. For the past eleven years, I've lived in a small town "city" in New Hampshire, which is the hub of a very rural area. The value system of those in white collar, affluent city centers tends to be a LOT different from rural, working class America (as often reflected by politics), and the northeast is also culturally quite different from the south.

This is going to be a huge stereotype/generalization, but I think in socioeconomically poorer, working class areas there is this concept that attire makes something "fancy" and somehow what someone wears (or is expected to wear) is separate from and does not need to align with all the other details. So people want to make their event feel fancy/classy and require nicer dress (which may just be a cheaply made polyester satin gown) even if its in the middle of a manure filled cow pasture, everyone is drinking PBR from red solo cups, the food is basic and unelevated, and the bathrooms are porta-potties.

Etiquette is really just a bunch of normalized social rules, and it varies according to ethnic and religious background, location, socioeconomic status, and all of the things that make up culture. So its very possible that where you live and the people within your social circle do not have the same cultural values or mindset that you do (its one of the reasons I can't fathom ever living in the south or in a big city area).

For what its worth, all the things that bother you would bother me too! Its incredibly rude to expect your guests to foot the bill of your event. You should be providing an experience that is the same level or higher of investment you are expecting from guests, so if you want them to show up in tuxes and gowns, you need to provide service that matches that expense for them, and if you want everyone to stay in expensive hotel rooms for your event when cheaper options exist nearby it should then feel like your guests are on vacation at an all inclusive resort and things like a welcome dinner or day after brunch should be included.

I've been to a number of tented weddings with porta potties, casual food, and very modest amenities, but all of those events were quite casual in nature with ladies wearing maxi dresses or sun dresses and guys in dress shirts and nice pants, maybe with a sport coat, or a basic suit. There is nothing wrong with having a lower budget wedding or event, but the expectations for guests should be similarly modest in that case.

The ONLY weddings I have ever been to with cash bars are ones where the couples overspent on a few things (like an expensive venue and the bride's custom dress) and then skimped on everything else - cash bars, low quality food, nothing really designed to enhance the guest experience. I feel like cash bars are generally a way to deflect costs onto your guests; unless you are having a very small modest event (like a private room at a bigger venue) it feels inappropriate, and I feel like unless you are having a completely dry event some drinks should always be included (perhaps wine with dinner but guests pay cash if they want hard liquor).

I also wonder if its more common for younger couples (those less established in their careers and with more limited and less diverse life experiences) are more likely to go with the "this event is about me" mindset vs "I want to celebrate with people I love and have a responsibility to host a event with my guests comfort/enjoyment in mind." I know there are a lot of things that I feel more strongly about in terms of social responsibility and being a good host as a mid-30s bride that I would not have felt as much if I got married when I was younger, a bit more selfish/self-absorbed, and budget was a bigger factor than guest experience.

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This!!! I'm from Southern VA and I agree with this. I think it's a little weird that people assume Southerners would find this okay. I feel like it goes along with the "dumb, backwards" stereotype of the south. I mean Southern Weddings is a huge magazine/category for a reason.