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Savvy November 2020

Early planning

Allyza, on February 22, 2020 at 7:06 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 16
Hey everyone,

I'm in a tricky situation. My other half spoke with my parents about getting engaged before we went out of the country. My family then decided to tell me and the engagement never happened. My other half now has been postponing the engagement. The issue is is before all of this happened, when we were initially even talking about getting married, we had chosen a date. That date is in November and still no ring... he let it slip that he still wants to get marroes that day. I'm a big preplanner and a bit controlling when it comes to things like this. I want to start planning the wedding by deciding "little things" such as colors and flowers and decorations and such just so that when we get engaged it'll be a little more manageable. Am I being unreasonable?

16 Comments

Latest activity by Alys, on February 23, 2020 at 12:18 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but if you both want to get married and he wants to get married in 9 months from now, why hasn’t he proposed?
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  • A
    Savvy November 2020
    Allyza ·
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    With a little digging and what not. It's partially because the surprise got ruined and the finding the right ring or something. I don't know where to start with the planning. Any tips?
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  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
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    You can start planning and writing things down. But dont put any money down til he makes it official.
    My man knew I was mad at him last January for not proposing on vacation and told me to start planning. I may have went off on him and he got his act together shortly after.
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  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
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    You don’t really have a date right now so I wouldn’t worry about being behind on planning. This sort of happened to me, not exactly, but a similar situation. I had my wedding in November 2019 with a 19 month engagement instead of November 2018 like I originally wanted because he proposed later than I thought he would. Hang in there, decide how long you want to stay without a ring, and hopefully he’ll come through.
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  • A
    Savvy November 2020
    Allyza ·
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    I may have done the same thing. Only difference is he hasn't gotten his act together. 😅 I don't plan on making big decisions like that, just because I want to have him help choose the venue and music and things like that.
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  • A
    Savvy November 2020
    Allyza ·
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    Well we decided on a date a while ago before all the crazy happened. And he told me he still wants to keep that date, which will be fine because I can plan a wedding in six months. I mean I'm sure I could, but I'm already stressed due to school and work. So that's why I would like to start now.


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  • Cristy
    Master May 2021
    Cristy ·
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    Yes, I'm sure you could do it. But you may not have as many options available to you, as November is a popular wedding month, and lots of vendors are already likely to be booked. Just something to keep in mind as time goes by.

    Btw, how rude of your family to tell you the secret and spoil the surprise!! I'm so mad about that.

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  • A
    Super February 2020
    Andrea ·
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    We had a conversation before he gave me the ring. This was something we both wanted so I booked a venue (officiant, musician, videographer, photographer included). He gave me a ring 3 months after it was booked - practically surprised me because I didn’t know it was coming!


    I think if you two know what you want then go for it. The ring can come later.
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  • Onya
    Expert October 2020
    Onya ·
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    I️ dont See any harm in planning if you know he’s not going to skip out on you. I️ would just make sure you talk things out too so you aren’t putting deposits down for something that isn’t going to happen.
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  • Renee
    Super June 2020
    Renee ·
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    Ummmmm.... let him propose on his own terms. You shouldn't rush into a marriage. Being engaged is a journey that every couple should experience. It's time for your family to brag on you and shower you with love. When he's ready to propose to you, he will. If you aren't willing to wait let him know so he can make a proper decision.

    You stated you are already "stressed out." How, you aren't engaged yet. Riding the horse backwards will put you on your ass in the long run. What if he doesn't propose until June? I guarantee most venues will be booked or extremely expensive for November. I hope he proposes soon but until then just be patient. You're going to want to be completely shocked, gasping for air, ugly crying, and feeling like you're floating on cloud 145! You'll have plenty of time to be stressed out when you're engaged. For now, take deep breath and keep your nails done!

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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Alys ·
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    This November or next? A lot of venues, photographers, videographers are already booked up for this fall. I know because they were booked up back in Jan when I was trying to reserve for Sept wedding. And if you need a dress within 6 months that be made outside the US, Be prepared to pay a rush fee. If made inside the US, 3 months is okay.


    Tell him you guys need to start planning soon and ask him to give you a timeframe for how long needs to prepare proposal. For instance, propose in Q2 of this year. So you know it’s going to happen before June but have no idea on when or exact details and can still be surprised. And tell him if he wants Sept date, then you need to start booking site tours and interviewing vendors immediately so you need to set your budget, begin depositing money into a joint account for wedding expenses, and booking things while you wait for him to finish planning the proposal. Otherwise he will need to adjust the date or accept that you will be very unlikely to get your first choice for anything in regards to vendors and venues. Photographers I interviewed have already booked 2021 dates. It’s super competitive out there if you want good vendors.
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  • A
    Savvy November 2020
    Allyza ·
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    That's what I'm really worried about. He gets mad every time I bring it up because it takes away from the surprise. He doesn't understand that there are time frames like that though. We're planning for this November and that's why I'm slightly panicking.
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  • Kathryn
    VIP August 2020
    Kathryn ·
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    So my FH and I pretty much planned a wedding in six months. We didn't want to wait forever, though we had originally planned on an August date before getting engaged in September. But at the time, my FH had no idea what goes into a wedding - which is fair! He had never planned one before! He had no idea that we were behind the eight ball in terms of booking things. I was freaking out for an August wedding, then he turned around and asked if we could do April. But you know what? We made it work. You may not get your first pick of vendors, but you'll have to decide if that's more important than the date. If you want the date more, you'll have to decide on who's available. We got extremely lucky with all of our vendors, and most of them have worked with the venue and know their way around.


    But as for the proposal itself, I was in your shoes. It didn't help that I was on another site where they kept saying "if he has the ring and he hasn't proposed then red flags galore!!!" which just isn't true. There could be many reasons why he's waiting. For my FH, he did want to surprise me. We picked the ring together, then he wanted to see if he could get me to stop thinking about it long enough to surprise me. It didn't work because my anxiety was through the roof, but he certainly tried.
    But we talked about it. We set a timeline, we discussed what goes into a wedding, and he knew that he needed to move faster if we wanted our date. You're marrying this man to make him a life partner - talk to him!!! Explain that while he may want to surprise you, you have a lot of planning that needs to get done for that date and the waiting is giving you major anxiety. He needs to either, as the expression goes, do his duty or get off the pot! But explain your feelings because I guarantee he has no idea what is going on in your head. Good luck!
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  • Chandler
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Chandler ·
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    He's adding a lot of stress for you and that's not fair. You should let him know you're frustrated and that planning a wedding is a huge commitment, especially with other responsibilities.
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  • Nicole
    Master September 2020
    Nicole ·
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    My proposal was "ruined" by my sister when she told my mom while I was in the car with her (unknowingly and my sister felt absolutely terrible). My FH (and I) were both upset the surprise was ruined, but instead of putting it off, he proposed 3 days earlier than he had planned on. I would tell him that the "surprise" is nice, but what would be nicer would be the two of you being able to plan the wedding together without the stress of getting the wedding together in a short time frame. This is just the first thing that's going to go "wrong" in your lives and you want to know he's not going to sulk and put things off (which is what I'm interpreting his lagging as) when things get tough. I'm also a huge pre-planner and while I could plan a wedding in a short time (I helped my sister get hers planned in 2 months when she moved it up), it definitely was not worth the stress (or the financial burden!) that could have been mitigated by a longer engagement.

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  • A
    Dedicated September 2020
    Alys ·
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    Planning in 4-6 months is doable. I had a good friend who did planned it all in 5. I even had a cousin do it in 2 months last year! If the date is really important to you two, be flexible and willing to compromise on location and vendors. Unless you’re having it at a very remote location, there will still be other vendors available even if they’re not your first choice. Even if not, hire from outside the area and pay their travel fees. If you have the budget, be willing to throw money at problems to get it done faster. If you don’t want to pay a rush fee, just tell them that you only want to look at dresses that can arrive in time without a rush. They will pull dresses from US based designers with quick turnaround time and show you things they have in stock close to your size. It’s still doable.


    However, as PP have said talk with your SO. Ask fiance to sit down and listen to you explain in full your anxieties before he responds so you can get all your words out before he gets upset at you. Or write him a letter explaining why you’re feeling so stressed. Once he understands why you’re feeling this way, he’ll be more likely to discuss workarounds with you to begin the planning process or change his mind about the date.
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