Dying to elope- vent

Well. I wanted to elope/have something very small. FH wanted the whole nine yards so guess what? We're doing the whole nine yards. 80 guest wedding. Guess who got stuck planning and doing everything for wedding with absolutely no help what so ever? MEEEEE. I just wish I would have been more adamant about eloping.

It really isn't a choice between David Tutera's, jaw dropping, 300 guest, fantasy wedding in an airplane hanger OR eloping. There is a middle ground.

He doesn't want to spend the money to host a big wedding. That matters. You're dying to elope (and I'd rather you elope than die, if that's what's on the table). So, here's the middle ground -- you invite your immediate family (including parents, grandparents, siblings and their spouses and/or significant others), and he gets to invite the same.

You buy a gown, something white and sparkly, off the rack at a department store, he wears a suit, you get a bouquet from a grocery store, and you exchange vows in the backyard, at a public park, or at a restaurant venue. Maybe it's 25/30 guests, altogether. Then, you all retire to a private room in a restaurant, something you've already secured, and you enjoy two to two and half hours of dinner and adult beverages. Hire a photographer to capture the photos that will end up in a silver frame on your desk and in your home. That's the middle ground. I've been to these weddings, and I promise you, they are just as sacred as the big, white weddings I've been to. Think about it. Your honeymoon? That's up to you.

Omw Ashmar ... that is my situation 100%

Then FH casually says to me that he thought he had helped, and that since I was the organised one he thought I had it all under control....

Kailee, what about a small destination wedding? Invite your & his parents to Hawaii to celebrate.

I was on the fence about eloping or wedding. We decided to plan the wedding, I was stressed there was unnecessary drama. So last week we cancelled it. Luckily we won't be losing deposits, etc. except about 100 dollars. I wish we would have planned an elopement from the beginning. We decided to invite the bridal party and parents so It's not a traditional elopement in that sense. We had to talk to all our guests since we had sent out invites and luckily no one had made set travel plans and everyone was really supportive. I am truly excited for my wedding now! Could you meet FH part way by inviting only parents to be at the ceremony and still elope. My advice is go for the elopement if it is what you want, planning a wedding is miserable if it's not what you want.

@ashmar that's exactly where I'm at, luckily we haven't invested yet so I still have opportunity to convince him. I just feel bad because I don't want him to compromise what he wants just for me, but part of me knows deep down that it's mainly because of his family's expectation is why he's going for the full wedding. He's close with his family which I respect but I personally am not and would much rather it be the two (rather, three) of us. He also doesn't want to say his own vows in front of people and I feel like he would be more likely to do so if it were just him and I there to hear. Just ever since the idea of elopement popped in my mind it sounds too good to pass up

I wanted to elope badly! It was important to FH to have a wedding so here we are FH has been great with planning though..at least most of the time.

@rachel very true and I honestly would be okay with middle ground but the guest list that he says we cannot cut down any more is about 70 people. Not such a small wedding in my eyes. I would love to keep it very immediate as you said but he is insistent on if we have the full wedding it has to be the guest list of 70. Which makes all the expenses go up. He's really confusing me as far as the not wanting to spend the money but wanting that number of guests. I've explained multiple times it just doesn't work that way, but alas. It appears it'll be either the full 70 or we somehow agree on elopement.

@jennifer that is a good thought that I could bring up to FH. Thank you!

@futuremrsP I'm glad you guys are having the wedding you truly want- and that's what I'm afraid of, is being so overly stressed about it that I just don't even want anything to do with it anymore. I've never spent the kind of money in my life that hosting a wedding takes and it's really shocked me. I just see all these things that it could go toward instead honestly. It's a tough one ETA: sorry for multiple posts, oops

Ugh, I feel you 100%! Originally I wanted a big wedding, but very soon realized how expensive that would be. I was willing to save but FH didn't think we should spend so much on one day sooo I chose a fairly inexpensive venue so that we could afford to accommodate our 80-100 guests. Everyday I began to hate that venue more and more. It got to the point where I was begging my FH to just go elope with me instead of having to stress out about having an expensive wedding that I didn't even like. Welp, wouldn't ya know it- FH says he wants the whole nine yards! -.- I tried to compromise and say that we could have a small, intimate wedding but that was a no-go because he couldn't narrow his list down much at all. Sooo now I'm trying to trash my original wedding, and potentially have it in 2018 so that I can save more and have a better venue. All the while, I'm still trying to convince FH to either elope or have an intimate wedding... siiigh...

My sister had a small intimate wedding last year. She had about 25 guest. She spend maybe $500 total (if even that much) she ordered a wedding cake from Walmart and after the beautiful ceremony, she had a little reception at her house afterwards. It was just as beautiful as a big wedding.

Just sit down and talk it out. Try not to argue. Just try to understand each other's sides.

@msvanwinkle yes, I'm afraid that is where I will precisely be and the more I think about it the more I'm honestly dreading planning a wedding. Originally I wasn't stressed about saving I thought it would be do-able but then he was the one that got me dreading the financial part, and once I saw how easily things can add up I just was unpleasantly surprised

@soon it's not something we argue over, we are still in the early contemplating stages. But yes we will

Wanted to add, it's very late (or early) where I am so I am probably going to sleep but will respond in the morning. Thank you everyone for all the advice so far!

It sounds like FHs main reason for wanting the traditional wedding is to incorporate his parents --- is there any shot of a compromise on your collective visions here? Not quite an elopement, but not quite a destination wedding, you invite both sets of parents to come with you to Hawaii for a small ceremony, followed by a nice dinner or island tour, and you, FH and your daughter stay for a week afterwards.

Elope. if your parents want to throw a party later, let them.

You said it yourself, eloping is *your* dream. The wedding is about both of you so it should be something you both want. And in this case, that may involve you sucking it up and planning something simple. There would still be some planning for eloping anyway and after 5-10+ hours in an airport you could be just as stressed.

I would do a destination wedding in Hawaii then. Less people will come because of the time and fees involved. Youll get Hawaii with a smaller crowd but he will get his wedding.

Yeah I'm looking at middle ground but FH wants the whole 9 so to speak with about 70 guests and says we can't cut the guest list down further. That's why I feel like it's more of a difficult decision. I'd be fine with something smaller but he doesn't want that either. But I am mainly trying to just vent about it, I'll probably have another talk just to see if there's any wiggle room on his end of the plan but I do agree with compromise I'm just looking for a little from his end as well. Like cutting down the guest list would be great but he thinks there's no way to disclude any of those people.

I was the one who always pictured eloping. FH wants his closest family and friends there to see him get married so we compromised. A small guest list (30 people including us) and a shortish dinner party. Nothing too overboard but something sweet and romantic. It's a happy medium. I do still fantasize about eloping because it's $3k (less depending on what we cut out) to elope and $10k to host our family and friends and it would mean getting married before 2018 but I don't push him on it. If he came to me and said he 100%, without a doubt wanted to elope then we'd do it but only if he did that.