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Dedicated May 2022

Dump these wedding party members?

Miranda Landry, on November 9, 2021 at 3:38 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 19

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I’ve been friends with one of my bridesmaids for 4 years and her boyfriend is also good friends with my fiancé and a groomsman. My friend is bipolar and autistic and her boyfriend is also bipolar (only specifying because it may explain some things). She already bought her dress, but recently told me she’s not sure if her and her boyfriend will be able to be in my wedding party due to financial concerns. We’re only planning on going out for dinner and drinks for our bachelorette and bachelor party and only expect bridesmaids and groomsmen to pay for their own food and drinks. My fiancé made a group chat with all his groomsmen and asked when would be a good day to set up an appointment to rent tuxes. He started planning in this group chat for a month. My friend’s boyfriend’s only response at all in the group chat said that he’s only available on Friday’s. He never takes off of work, even when advance notice of an event is given so we’ve been working our schedule around his (he only works at Mavis so there’s really no reason). My brother even agreed to take off of work early to be able to make the appointment. It would’ve been easier for everyone else to make it on a weekend, but we’ve been trying to accommodate everyone. My fiancé picks a Friday and asks everyone in his group chat if they were able to make it. Everyone agreed, but my friends boyfriend read it and never responded. My friend texts me freaking out saying she’s unsure if they’ll be able to afford to attend and her boyfriend never agreed to that date because he had court for a traffic ticket. He never even privately messaged us about his court date. He read our messages when asking about the date and didn’t respond. We assumed he was available on Fridays unless otherwise specified. My friend then proceeds to guilt trip me saying that it’s a slap in the face that we made this appointment when she doesn’t know if they’ll be able to afford to attend and he has court. I told her I’d love to help, but we really can’t afford to because we’re just scraping by paying for the wedding and our own bills. I said the most I could do is pay for his deposit or let her borrow the money until she has it. She didn’t like the idea of borrowing money saying she’s unsure if she’ll be able to pay it back and she basically said that I’m not being a good friend because I should just pay for her boyfriend’s tux. I’m not paying for anyone else’s tux and she’s not even my maid of honor. Eventually her boyfriend replies to my fiancé saying he’s able to make our original planned date when we offered to change it. Then he doesn’t show up to the appointment and doesn’t even call or text to say he’s unable to make it. Dump them or give them one more chance?

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19 Comments

Latest activity by Miranda Landry, on November 17, 2021 at 2:31 PM

Super July 2020
Cool · on November 9, 2021 at 4:27 PM
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For their sake, “dump them”. None of their mental disabilities were relevant to the story at all, so the fact that’s one of the first thing you mentioned says a lot about how you view them. You’re also blatantly degrading his work, which it sounds like he takes seriously. I would not expect my husband to take work off to go try on suits as a groomsman. That is not a normal expectation. And it was very smart of her not to borrow money from her knowing she can’t guarantee a payback. This post was judgmental and cruel to people who seemingly did nothing wrong. Seriously, so harmful and offensive, please reread this in an empathetic light.
VIP April 2022
CountryBride · on November 9, 2021 at 4:41 PM
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Agree as previous poster said your expectations for your friends is out there ,
NewEnglandSettler · on November 9, 2021 at 4:42 PM
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Yaaahhhh... you lost me at "only works at Mavis..." You'll probably ALL be better off if you give them the out.
Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on November 9, 2021 at 4:46 PM
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Wow, that’s a lot to unpack. It sounds like this bridesmaid and her boyfriend have a lot going on in their lives, and a lot of uncertainty around their financial ability to be in the wedding. I agree, it was irresponsible and a bit rude of the boyfriend to read the text and never bring up the fact that there was a conflict of schedule for him, especially when he knew everyone else was rearranging their schedule in order to fit his. It was also very inconsiderate of him to simply not show up to the appointment. And it was completely out of line for your friend to say you should be obligated to pay for her boyfriend’s tux. I completely understand why you are so frustrated, especially during an already stressful time. However, the fact that they are in your wedding signifies to me that these are very close friends of yours. Assuming you would like to maintain these friendships, I would try to be understanding and forgiving. It sounds like you need to have a talk with your friend (non-wedding related) to check in on her and see what is going on. At the end of that conversation, you could very kindly tell her that you understand there is a lot going on in her life, and if they need to remove themselves from the wedding party, you will understand and support their decision. But, if you want to maintain these friendships, I would not “dump them”…. I would approach them with kindness, understanding and forgiveness, and let them determine whether they should remain in the wedding party or remove themselves.
Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on November 9, 2021 at 4:52 PM
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I mentioned their disabilities because they think we’re being malicious by making this appointment when we’ve done everything to accommodate them and they refuse to communicate with us. If this wasn’t a good time to make the appointment, he should’ve said so. this could’ve been avoided and we could’ve worked with them. He said nothing until the week of when my friend started freaking out. Also her expecting me to pay for his tux and calling me a bad friend and guilt tripping me for not being able to afford his tux? That’s normal to you? Communication goes a long way in getting what you want. This was being planned for a month and he never mentioned anything except needing it to be on a Friday. An apology for at least missing the appointment would’ve been fine and a thank you for offering to lend money would’ve been acceptable, but all I got called was a bad friend. Also, am I wrong for wanting our day to be centered around us? I feel like all I’ve been doing is accommodating to his schedule when both my fiancé and I work on Friday’s.
Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on November 9, 2021 at 5:02 PM
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Mavis is a lot more flexible than salaried careers…
Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on November 9, 2021 at 5:11 PM
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Thank you. They are close friends of mine. People saying that I only see them for their disability is ridiculous. I would not have given them such an important spot if I didn’t think highly of them. I only mentioned it because I think she may going through a rough time and taking it out on me or feeling I’m being malicious when there really just isn’t any communication for me to properly accommodate them. I just don’t want there to be this same drama along the way. I’m trying to hard to accommodate everyone but it makes it very hard when they just refuse to respond sometime. I’m honestly not sure where our friendship is headed at this point because she’s been taking a lot of things out on me and hasn’t apologized. I just can’t deal with the extra stress.
Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on November 9, 2021 at 5:15 PM
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I even told them that if they can’t be apart of our wedding party I would completely understand given their situation and we’ll still have a great time at the wedding. She still wants to be apart of the wedding, but doesn’t want to borrow money and says she can’t afford it, which I understand but a simple thank you would’ve done instead of expecting me to pay and calling me a bad friend when I genuinely can’t afford it.
Expert March 2022
Melinda · on November 9, 2021 at 5:42 PM
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Maybe he takes his job so seriously and won't take a day off because they are struggling financially. I have the type of job where I get pretty much no PTO so taking days off sucks.
Also why do they all have to go together to get fitted and can't they do it on their own time and pay period since its 6 months out?

She shouldn't have said those things to you, I agree. The most you can do is tell her just to attend as a guest unless their financial situation changes.
Super July 2020
Cool · on November 9, 2021 at 6:05 PM
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Yeah, so dump them. I agreed that’s what you should do, as have others.
Super July 2022
Shannon · on November 9, 2021 at 7:21 PM
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Your comment that he “only works at Mavis”, reminds me of when Ross wrote that Rachel was “only a waitress” on Friends. 👎
VIP January 2019
Maggie · on November 9, 2021 at 7:51 PM
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I agree that you should dump these friends. That will save them a lot of money and stress and once they know exactly where they stand with you, they can move on with their lives.
Rockstar November 2054
Jacks · on November 9, 2021 at 10:39 PM
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Honestly I had a "yikes" reaction when I read your post too. It really does sound like you're not respecting them much. Expecting him to take off work for any events for your wedding is ridiculous, especially since you know already that he never takes off work. If they have to borrow money to afford to be in your wedding, then it sounds like he does need that work. Also why would you assume he's available on all Fridays? Can't he get fitted sometime closer to the wedding, which isn't until 6 months from now? So many questions...
At any rate, sounds like you want to "dump" these people anyway, so I'm not sure what's stopping you.
Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on November 17, 2021 at 12:39 PM
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Lol I just noticed that you made a comment that was actually so rude that it was reported, not by me, but by someone else, yet I can still see it in my notifications. You have no idea what my dynamic is with this couple at all and you have no idea who I am or what I do for a living to make any assumptions about me. So how about take the post for what it is instead of reading into scenarios that only exist in your head? FYI I spoke to my psychologist about this since making this decision has become a major stress factor for me and she had actually told me that her disabilities could be responsible for the way she’s been acting lately since she has been going through a lot causing her to deflect her anger towards my fiancé and I. I’m going to take everything you said with a grain of salt though because I just viewed your profile and you have no pictures and only comment on posts to disagree with brides and start drama. I don’t think I’ve seen one of your comments that were genuinely helpful and not judgmental.
Super July 2020
Cool · on November 17, 2021 at 12:40 PM
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I’m so happy to hear you spoke with your psychologist. Thank you for coming back to bully me… for bullying you.
Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on November 17, 2021 at 12:52 PM
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Well it’s about time you’re called out for what you’re doing. This app is for giving and accepting genuine advice and you’re clearly not here for that purpose. I have been civil with you this entire conversation and don’t deserve that and neither does anyone else. Brides are already stressed enough, we don’t need disingenuous people to purposely push our buttons.
Super July 2020
Cool · on November 17, 2021 at 1:15 PM
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This is an open forum. I lend my opinion and plenty of other users have thanked me for help. I come here to share my honest opinion and gain support myself. So you are being mean by saying “it’s about time I’m called out”. Feel free to browse what I comment on. It’s a very wide mix. You’ve now come on here and legitimately hurt my feelings and pushed my buttons good job.
Dedicated May 2022
Miranda Landry · on November 17, 2021 at 1:20 PM
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You have 0 of your own forums, mostly comment on family & relationship posts in which every one I’ve viewed you’ve disagreed with the bride, and your wedding was over a year ago yet it appears you didn’t use this app for your wedding. You’ve sent me such an unhinged and rude comment and expect me to feel any sympathy towards hurting your feelings by calling you out?