Driving mom crazy

The most pushback we’ve gotten is on the time of day because we picked sunrise. Otherwise, to be honest, no one has really been very interested in plans, which at least means they aren’t criticizing our second guessing what I pick. My mom has said a few things about our semi-destination wedding outdoors, but she also realizes that we’re going to do what we want to do because it’s our wedding not hers. The older generations also have some different ideas about weddings and expectations 🤷‍♀️.

We haven't gotten much push back on anything, but to be honest it feels like non one is talking to me about anything. Like guests that are unsure about coming or can't come have seemingly talked to everyone but me. I think keep doing what you're doing and plan the wedding the way you want and if you're mom keeps pushing for another celebration I'd tell her she's welcome to host one and foot the bill for it since it's not something you're asking for

When he 1st proposed, we discussed how big the wedding was going to be. We both agreed we wanted a small, intimate affair. I have a large family (just my side would be around 200+) & with his side plus our friends, the numbers sky rocketed! We made some choices & cut that number WAY back. We explained to the family that we just couldn’t afford it & we didn’t get any pushback (at least not to our faces!). We’re keeping it to our vision & we’re also letting others know that it’s an adult only ceremony/ reception. We really don’t want a bunch of screaming kids running around! God bless them but that would have driven me crazy!

There were definitely times that my mother-in-law drove me crazy. She made my flower girl dresses and it was a nightmare. She also tried telling us to have a special military dance because she wanted a spotlight dance with my husband's older brother (her step-son) because she didn't get to have one at his wedding. She wanted to tell us who she was walking down the aisle with and into the reception with. At every turn it felt like she was trying to make decisions for us. I would talk to my husband and we would agree that we didn't like her suggestion so I would tell her no, but she wouldn't listen so my husband had to talk to her and suddenly it was okay whatever you guys want. It drove me batty. Other than her overstepping, we didn't have really have any push back.

I think what you want sounds heavenly. Would you feel comfortable the next time she makes a comment that you say “Stop with the passive aggressive comments” in a firm voice?

Yes. Mine is and I felt like I was the only one. She wanted to do our wedding the way she envisioned it and was against the idea we had. We have fought over who to invite as well because we have 50 people max and just my FH local family was like 25 people alone. She didn't really understand that the package we chose, we have a 2 person leeway meaning we could have 52 people and they wouldn't bump us up to the next package and we wouldn't get charged more but if we have more than that, it's an extra 3k not counting the extra food costs. It was annoying that she couldn't understand. We took her when we toured the venue and then she liked it and the concept so was on board. She even made me go dress shopping at a store which I didn't mind but after I said yes to the dress (the whole time she said she liked my dressed and how it looked on me) but when I asked her outside of the store she said she didn't see me in something like that. She thought I'd go fo something more simple and plain. It kind of hurt. I got really annoyed and she thought because they offered to pay for half the wedding (before the venue) was chosen, she could control things. Of course to accommodate who she said we had to invite so I didn't fight with her anymore, we had to take off a few of my FH guests. He was not upset because he's not super close with them but got annoyed. Planning a wedding is stressful and hard enough without all the added family stress and drama. I totally feel you.

View Quoted Comment That's why my therapist told to me to say to my mom when she makes smart comments about my weight and what I eat. She said one day, you eat like that you won't fit in your dress or something along that line. Can't remember exactly. It hurt. I've always struggled with my weight apperance and depression growing up because of her.

View Quoted Comment Ugh. That’s terrible. 🙁
I worked with a therapist to help me set boundaries with my sometimes toxic dad. Once when he wasn’t listening/respecting me I told him I’d hang up and stop talking to him for a while, which I did... for six months. It takes practice but we CAN teach them how to communicate with us or they don’t get access at all. 💪

View Quoted Comment I totally agree. Still dealing with it and when I moved out to live with my FH it was nice. I only saw her when she came over (rare) or when I went to her. Never really been close with her for reasons I won't go into but I know I'll never have the relationship with her I want because of like you said being toxic.

Passive aggressive is my mom’s middle name lol

She hasn’t tried to make this wedding about her by any means but I do get remarks like “that is not what you’re doing” with a slight tone, and I’m like, “Right that is not what we’re doing” in terms of having a big wedding and inviting all of my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. We are staying local but we are scaling down and keeping it very intimate to just very close friends and immediate family.

We are eloping this year on account of FMIL’s health and when discussing with my mom that we may move it up even sooner than we anticipated because FMIL is not doing well, she said “well if she can’t make it, we can just bring (my nephew)” after I made it clear that no one else (children, etc.) would not be invited on account of FMIL’s vulnerability and health. “If She can’t make it????!!!” WTHECK is that? It doesn’t surprise me because my mom is pretty self centered at times. We want to move it up and get married with just an elopement so that she CAN be there. We are doing all of this for her. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Families and parents can be a piece of work and hard to deal with at times.

Passive aggressive comments are just as damaging and toxic as directly hurtful comments. Unless you set firm boundaries and stick to them the situation will never change. If politely explaining you've already made your decision and you are having your wedding the way you and your future spouse envision doesn't work, you may have to get a little more blunt. I have family members who have been doing the same and after having the polite talk didn't work, my reply was "Thank you for your unsolicited opinion, but my FH and I already have our decisions made. But that sounds like a great idea for your wedding/ vow renewal..." which they would tell me they aren't planning any event like that. They quickly stopped trying to dictate our wedding after that. Years of therapy have taught me that I can't sidestep issues or sugar coat things. Being firm, direct, and sticking to the boundaries have worked for me.

This is YOU AND YOUR HUSBANDS day! Don’t let her make it about herself. My mom tends to do that, it drives me crazy. So what makes y’all happy. We had to cut our wedding down too. From 105, to 15! Because of covid. Our guest list ended up being more than we expected because his mom insisted we invite cousins we haven’t talked to in years, their KIDS, etc. do what makes you happy, don’t stress girl!

View Quoted Comment I think you’re right about the older generations. I think most weddings were very cookie-cutter back then, and everyone pretty much stuck to all the same traditions. Nowadays, couples are breaking from those traditions and tailoring their weddings to who they are as a couple.

View Quoted Comment That is kind of what I am thinking lately also. We have definitely continued to plan things the way we want them. She is just insistent on this second local celebration. It will probably have to come down to me telling her we are not doing it, and if she really really REALLY wants it, then she will have to plan and pay for it.

View Quoted Comment Ugh, I wish! Unfortunately, she is also a very sweet and sensitive soul, and if I were to say that to her it would really hurt her feelings & I am 99% positive she would end up crying alone about it later. I’ve just resigned to the fact that my wedding is nothing like the wedding she had dreamed about her daughter having, and that’s OK. Luckily, we are pretty much done planning everything at this point, so I don’t think there’s much more for her to comment on LOL

View Quoted Comment Right?! I thought wedding planning was supposed to be fun! LOL I am a pretty laid-back type of bride, and don’t really want anything lavish. I never foresaw people having so many opinions on an event that isn’t theirs! It would just never occur to me to criticize, complain, or try to change somebody else’s wedding

View Quoted Comment Isn’t it weird how a daughter’s wedding can trigger the passive aggressive/controlling nature of a mother?? One of my biggest annoyances is her comparison of the cost of things for a Destination wedding versus a local wedding in my small hometown. Yes, I understand we could invite the entire family and have a gigantic 300+ person wedding for the same amount of money it will cost for the Destination wedding... but that type of wedding is 100% everything we do NOT want. I just hate being made to feel guilty about “Wasting money” or not getting “the Best deal/biggest bang for your buck”.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! And ugh, I feel your pain on the guest list. I swear, that has been the biggest cause of stress while planning for this wedding! I mean, I wish I had an unlimited budget -then sure, I would invite all 300+ people to our destination wedding. Unfortunately, I don’t have $200,000 to spend on it.

View Quoted Comment We are lucky that we have an all inclusive package and the planning is done for us but we still have a say in what we want. So the stress hasn't been there aside from the stuff we are responsible for. My dress and whatnot. But I TOTALLY agree with you. I'm laid back as well and all that stuff I never thought I'd had to deal with. It's just frustrating... Me and my FH know what we want and we weren't going to give in.

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It really is. I’m still trying to get over her insensitive remark the other day about my FMIL.

My mother is a bargain shopper too so I don’t even go there...I don’t discuss the cost of anything with her. She has to have everything “cheap” and FH & I want everything to be nice for everyone. We want to treat our guests well.

If it were up to her we would have it at a fire hall.