I am afraid to post for advice honestly, but I am going to as I am really at a loss of what to do. I left my 3 son's father in 2018 after a 20 year relationship. It took me years to make the decision and I should have done it sooner. I'll spare the details but it was the right decision. One important thing to note, however, because it has had so much bearing, is that I used to be a born again Christian. I have now left this belief system and have distanced myself as I saw so much hypocrisy. I tried to make the marriage work again for the sake of my 3 sons (at the time 10, 12, and 14) and after a year left again as it was just not going to work, I moved into a separate room, etc. In 2020 I finalized the decision. We had a very messy split. My ex ended up coming after me for child support and got it, despite my being incredibly generous with him and giving him a substantial amount of money and property. I wanted an amicable divorce and hoped we would have a good relationship going forward. This changed all that and there is now no chance of a good relationship due to him using my kids to take more. Note My family business supported him and he quit his job a few years after marriage. We were young and he would surf while I cooked and cleaned and later took care of the kids (while also working from home... a lot of dynamics that I finally got sick of).
Anyway, upon leaving him the second time in 2020, my ex moved across the country and I had my kids. I began hanging out with a male friend of mine and we soon became involved. That was in July. My divorce was not finalized and wasn't for 11 more months due to clerical errors and a stupid lawyer. In December I went on a trip with my new beau, and ex wasn't happy and became jealous and that is when he started using my kids to obtain child support, etc. He moved back where we lived and we started doing the week on/ week off thing with my kids. My ex had somewhat of a mental breakdown and once followed me around the house in the middle of the night praying for me. This was after I came to help with my kids because I was worried about his mental health. He was creepy and still is. A lot of details.
Then more drama came. By this time my oldest son was 16 and I was dating my friend (now my husband and we have a beautiful daughter together). My ex was jealous and my son was struggling. Always a bright young man, he suddenly changed his friend group, started smoking pot, had his grades slip... He enjoyed the freedom at my house and would fist bump etc with my now husband, who really didn't interact with him except for passing. Meaning, he was respectful of my son's space, never came in the house while my sons stayed with me, etc. But my son was getting a bit out of hand and he would lie to me about smoking pot, then confess. His new friends, often several trucks in my driveway, would come and girls would go to his room without even a hi to me. His friend's parents began calling me concerned, etc. One day my son and my now husband (now my beau) had a confrontation. My now husband had asked to use my garage to clean out his van. I went to a workout class nearby. Apparently my son also wanted to use the garage with his friends to put tint on his truck. He did not tell me this and I got a call from my son after my class that my now husband would not let him and his friends into the garage. I came home to hear from my now husband that my son was high and hard to understand, began moving our stuff with his friends without permission in the garage, then my now husband told him and his friends to get out, closed the garage, and said to wait til I got home. When I did, we sent his friends home at my now husband's insistence to talk to my son. My son got upset at how my now husband was talking to him. My husband told me to leave the room and apparently they talked more. I went in the house. When my son came in, he said okay" I'm going to (his friend's house)" all happy. I of course insisted that I know what happened and told him to stay at least until he ate, as I knew he was hungry. Shortly after while my son was sitting at the counter, my now husband (a big guy who is also a retired muay thai fighter) actually entered the kitchen (which he had never done before while my kids stayed with me) and told my son to never do drugs in our house, very close to him. My son, apparently put off and angry, put his middle finger in my now husband's face and said "F&^9 You." My husband, thought for a second, and then slapped my son. My son then got incredibly upset and started calling for me. Honestly I was kind of in shock and after about 10 seconds told them both to stop. My son yelled F&(* You Mom! 3 x before leaving my house (and never coming back again- he moved in with is father). His father called the police (I'm actually quite thankful as they were able to talk to everyone and see my son within about 30 minutes of the "incident." We explained individually what happened (the police separated us) and the police determined that my son was disrespectful and that my husband disciplined him without consequence. My ex and my son accused us of lying to the police... but we did not. My son had not marks on him by the way, but he was certainly put in his place.
So regardless of what you think about my now husband's response to my son's disrespect, it has caused a huge rift. My son returned to the church and stopped doing his stupid behavior (in my opinion due to the very real consequence he received for his behavior by my now husband). My now thinks I lost my mind because I left the church, and he calls me names similarly. I did end up marrying my then boyfriend very shortly after- just he and I at our wedding and the Buddhist officiator. My son and my ex told everyone in our small community that my now husband abused him. Most people don't care about the details, only about the juice. My husband does not care, but it has caused so much stress in my heart.
Now my oldest son is getting married at 20 which often this church community does... he refuses still, after 4 years of the incident, to speak or resolve things with my husband. He invited me but not my husband, who I live with daily and have a daughter with. My husband has said he wants him to apologize TO ME only for saying F^*( you! 3x. He has not demanded that he apologize to him. My son refuses. After the incident, I tried counseling with my son, meetings and talks with my son, all to no avail. We each have our position. He thinks I chose my husband over him, which I did not. My son left by his own decision to live with a jealous ex who fed off of the whole situation. I have tried to communicate with him but to no avail. I don't know how to move forward... I want to be a part of my son's future and life. I am heartbroken and feel that I have been punished again and again. I am not willing to concede to blaming my husband for everything like my son does. I am willing to acknowledge that my son was hurting and I have done that. I think out of etiquette he should invite my husband but he refuses. I am trying to find a way forward with my son... I have tried but essentially he has said we can never have anything but a distant relationship due to my husband. I feel like I will be punished forever and I am broken hearted.
By the way, my husband and I have a fine relationship with my other 2 sons. They are all growing up and we keep in touch regularly. No best friendships, but respect at least and the ability to visit.
Please help and please be gentle if you can. I am really just trying to find a way forward and that is why I am finally posting this. Please let me know your thoughts.
Thank you
