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OldSchoolKindaLove
Devoted September 2018

Don't feel Married

OldSchoolKindaLove, on June 27, 2019 at 3:50 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 27
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My husband and I have openly admitted to one another that neither one of us feel like we are married. We can't seem to agree on anything, we can't seem to compromise, the communication and trust in our relationship has diminished. Work is his top priority, whereas I am his last. I feel like I have exhausted all options to save our crumbling marriage. I have personally been in counseling for 4, going on 5 months. He said he wanted to go, but hasn't made any effort nor asked me about my counseling sessions. He has been caught in several false truths, which has caused me wonder if he can even tell me the truth. Despite me telling him when things bother me, he never can seem to understand why I am unhappy/upset all the time. I have had to repeat myself so many times I feel like a broken record. When I do tell him what's bothering me there is always an excuse or someone else to blame. For instance the electricity has been cut off twice ( a bill he agreed to take care of) and it was the electric company's fault it was cut off. We have also fought over my decision to not have children which was discussed prior to us getting married in depth.


I am struggling to hold my marriage together, but I feel like I am hanging on by a single thread. Counseling doesn't seem to be something he is willing to do, despite me trying everything to get him to go. Any advice is appreciated.

27 Comments

Latest activity by OldSchoolKindaLove, on August 13, 2019 at 1:59 PM
  • Melissa
    VIP October 2018
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    Not willing or "just doesn't want to?" Because if he's not willing to do it to save a marriage then I think - unfortunately - it makes it clear where you stand. If your marriage is falling apart and one half of the couple is not willing to do what is CLEARLY necessary to fix it, I don't see HOW it can be saved. It sucks, but if you can't get him to communicate with you in an open, honest and understanding manner, then I don't see how this can be "fixed." Counseling is the obvious answer. Good luck to you.


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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag

    Based on your post history you have been trying pretty much since you before you got married to make this better. If he doesn't want it to get better, there is nothing more you can do. If I were you I'd probably start with a separation, move out (or ask him to move out, depends on who's on the lease/mortgage) and see if it's the kick in his butt he needs to get serious about counseling. If he doesn't, there is no shame in getting divorced. You do not have to stay in an unhappy marriage.

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  • Kiley
    Expert November 2019
    Kiley ·
    • Flag

    I would hand him your counselors contact information and put the ball in his court. Also, give him plenty of advanced notice on when your next session is (try to make it a time you know he can't use work or something as an excuse), give him the address and tell him he needs to be there. It takes two to make a marriage work.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    I have already provided counseling information. The office is only open during the hours of 8 to 5PM. He could make it to a later afternoon session easily, but work often has "somethings come up" scenarios. It happened on our honeymoon and anytime we plan a vacation he ends up having to go in to work for something.

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  • Hannah
    Rockstar July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    You need to just have an open conversation: "this isn't working and I'm not happy in this marriage." Tell him that something's gotta give or the relationship is headed for divorce. If he does agree to go to counseling, it's usually best for you two to see a different counselor than your individual counselor. A. These are 2 different specialties. B. Dual-relationships are hard to manage. If he comes to a session with you, you are the client and he is technically not. If you two enter into couple's counseling together, you are both clients. I'm in grad school for psych, and this was 1 of the 1st things they drilled into us about ethics and client care.
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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    My personal counselor advised he attend a couple individual sessions with a colleague of hers. She stated if we wanted they could then collaborate to get us with the right counselor in their facility or recommend another counselor for both of us to see. She stated she wants him to see a counselor individually because she has seen several cases where a spouse attends counseling as a way to appease their partner without any desire to take it seriously.


    The open conversations we have had it seems like he instantly forgets anything we discuss. I have told him several times I am unhappy and our marriage is on the rocks, isn't working, etc. Often the same scenario will happen again and I have to repeat why I am upset/unhappy, but within a day or two it's back to the same ole same.

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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    Hasn't it been months since he said he'd go to the individual counselor? That'd be inexcusable in my book. He could find a shred of time during that time frame to go if it was important enough to him.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    Yes, it's been over two months ago when he said he would go see a counselor. He has not made any efforts.

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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    I hate to say it but I think that's your answer. He is making zero effort to change or make things better. So YOU need to make a change in your best interest.
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  • B
    Super July 2017
    Becky ·
    • Flag

    Honey, I've been following your posts and hoping things would get better for you - but honestly, I don't think that they seem to be, and my heart breaks for you. This may be the time to tell him that if he doesn't go to counseling - both individual and couples - regularly - that the situation is untenable. I hope that he gets in line - but if he's not willing to, then you wasted a year of your life on him, and in the end, you *will* find the right someone - I hope that your current husband is the right one, and that you guys can find happiness.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
    • Flag

    At this point, with both of us feeling like we aren't married and wanting different things in life I wonder if there is any reason to try anymore. Is it wrong for me to think that way?

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  • B
    Super July 2017
    Becky ·
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    No. It isn't wrong to feel that way. If it isn't working, and he's not willing to try to make it work, then it's okay to say that it's over and that you need to find happiness elsewhere. It's going to make you sad - endings do - but it would also be a new beginning - one that would allow you to be happy.

    Like I said before, I've been following your posts, and the tone of all of them just seems so sad - and you don't deserve that. You do what you need to do in order to be happy again. Smiley heart

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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
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    No it's not wrong, especially when you have given so many opportunities for him to step up and he just hasn't.

    What is your living situation? Are you both on the lease/mortgage? Is there someone you can go stay with while you figure this out?

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  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
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    It doesn't feel like you're both equally invested in solving your marital problems. When that happens, no it's not wrong to walk about. At my sister-in-law's wedding shower, my MIL said something I loved:


    You're marriage is like an empty chest. Every time you do something for the marriage and your partner, it puts something into the chest. Every time you take something out for yourself, your removing something. You never want that chest to get empty.


    It sounds like the chest is almost empty, and he isn't trying to put anything back in.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    Due to complications in our rental house we are currently in the process of moving our stuff into storage and staying at my parents. Unfortunately the rental property belongs to my husbands boss and I am worried that if I try asking him to go elsewhere, as in not with me he may have the locks changed and all my stuff will be left in that house where mold is growing and may damage my belongings.

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  • B
    Super July 2017
    Becky ·
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    That is a huge red flag - even if we were having problems, I do not believe my husband would be vindictive enough to destroy my things. The fact that this is a concern for you is very worrying. Please, whatever you do, get yourself into a safe, secure situation. Then, you can take time to consider what you really want/need to do.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    I feel completely safe at my parents house, and how that he's in that environment it's very clear to me that he is uncomfortable and walking on eggshells. He's reverted back to doing some of the same things he did before we got married and being nicer, but I can't help but think it's all a show for my parents. I've told him there is no trust nor communication in our relationship. He expects me to just let go of the fact that he didn't pay the electric bill twice, and the power company turned it off. He even tried acting like that was a normal situation, which I agree it is when you are struggling financially, but we weren't even struggling to my knowledge. I know I had the money to cover our bills, but he didn't ask for help until the second time. After this I found out from mutual friends of ours that, "We bought a boat for $1,000", but the story I got was "My parents bought a boat for a $1000" so when confronted he still holds to "my parents bought a boat, but I said we bought it because we can use it whenever we want to. He doesn't seem to understand why I feel like he is not being truthful with me. The mutual friend has known me since I was a baby, in fact he's like my uncle and would never lie to me about anything, so when he said that my husband told him we bought a boat for $1000 I wholeheartedly believe him. The reason these stories bother me so much is because this all came out around the same time as when he couldn't pay the electric because he didn't have the finances, and then he actually asked me about buying the boat a week later. I didn't say yes and I didn't say no, because I wanted to see if he could make the adult/husband choice and realize that I was more important than something materialistic, which I thought he had until I was blindsided two/three weeks later. Not to mention there are weird ATM transactions on his account which have not been explained, because his go to is i don't know or I don't remember.


    The reason I say this is, I am asking if this is unreasonable/irrational for me to think the trust between us is now compromised and broken? Because he is making me feel like I am asking way too much and I need to lower my standards.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    I have known him since we were kids. I have watched him go through some rough times, including rehab and even an anger management class. During this time I was his only friend who stood beside him and tried to help him. If you had asked me several months ago I wouldn't have even considered some of this, but I honestly don't know who my husband is anymore.

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  • B
    Super July 2017
    Becky ·
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    You are being neither unreasonable nor irrational. The fact that he didn't (or couldn't) pay the electric is a real issue - and him not mentioning it to you until after it was cut off - twice - is a definite breach of trust. I also have a problem with the fact that he seems to think the electricity being cut off is normal, frankly. You don't need to lower your standards. I think your expectations are right on point. Furthermore, I think he should be able to account for the money for the weird ATM transactions. I mean, I see not being able to remember one - but the fact that there are multiple would bother me a lot. You need to be able to trust that he is being responsible with money.


    I'm glad you are safe where you are (and the fact that his behaviours have changed indicates to me that he knows he is in the wrong). Try to get your special things to your parents house as well, since you have concerns about him possibly leaving them in a place in which they could get messed up.


    Remember - your feelings are valid and you don't deserve the crap he's dishing out.

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  • B
    Super July 2017
    Becky ·
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    It sounds like he was presenting the best front he could and now that you're married he's dropped it.

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