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Devoted April 2022

Domestic partnership before marriage?

Sarah, on August 9, 2019 at 7:57 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 8

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My partner and I were discussing it last night, and with open enrollment at her work approaching, she suggested (with probably 75% seriousness) that we should just get married in secret now, instead of waiting until we can afford a wedding.

I’ve been mulling it over in my head all day—it’s so practical! But so unromantic—and come to the conclusion that while I want a marriage more than I want a wedding, and while I know a wedding won’t change our relationship beforehand or afterwards, I still deeply want one and barring a complete and total aversion to weddings on her part, don’t want to be married until I can have one.

This led me down an internet rabbit hole, and I’ve come out the other side with the idea that we should get a domestic partnership, and that we should get one ASAP. We live in California, and a domestic partnership would afford us the same legal rights as a married couple, without officially being married.

Has anyone gone through a similar experience? How did you or your SO bring up the subject of domestic partnership? I’m a little nervous about suggesting it—it feels a lot like proposing, but also very different, and I’m not sure how to go about it.

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Emily, on August 10, 2019 at 11:14 AM

Master December 2019
Courtney · on August 9, 2019 at 7:59 PM
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My FH and I were seriously considering this not too long ago. His company offered cruddy benefits before eventually joining my mine in another department a few weeks ago.
Here in MD we could both walk in, get our licenses, and have it be valid 48 hours later. No fuss.
We really didn't mind it because it was just going to be for legal purposes and we'd continue with planning our wedding.
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Devoted November 2018
Future Mrs. Petro · on August 9, 2019 at 8:14 PM
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Most insurance companies consider a domestic partnership if you have the same address and a joint checking account. See what the stipulations are with your piticular I ns so because you might qualify without any paperwork
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Devoted April 2022
Sarah · on August 9, 2019 at 8:21 PM
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She’s a public school teacher, and her district will only recognize registered domestic partnerships. I’m still in graduate school and currently on medicare, which is great in that it’s free, but generally sucks otherwise.

Plus, it made me realize that if there was an emergency, we wouldn’t have the rights to make medical decisions for each other. Considering that we won’t be able to afford a wedding for another three years or so, that thought now makes me kind of nervous
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Devoted April 2022
Sarah · on August 9, 2019 at 8:23 PM
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Thanks! That’s why I feel like it’s a good idea—it would be a legal recognition of how we already feel about our relationship, without being a technical marriage. We’ve already lived together for five years now and act like we’re married and call each other our partner rather than girlfriend, so it seems like a really logical step for us since we won’t be able to afford a wedding for at least three more years
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on August 9, 2019 at 8:42 PM
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In addition to the domestic partnership for insurance, etc., you can ask an attorney to do paperwork related to healthcare power of attorney, etc. to give each other rights that might not otherwise be available.
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Devoted April 2022
Sarah · on August 9, 2019 at 8:47 PM
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Thanks for the tip!
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on August 10, 2019 at 8:33 AM
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Marriage forces open enrollment as a life event so you won't need to wait until the open peroid to change your benifits later.
I've been thinking about this recently, our state also recongized domestic partnerships, many of doctors have me listed as in one (I was surprised about that!) If we signed a paper I could get my fiance my health insurance, it'd be an improvement but also because we're getting in about a year I'm not sure if it's worth it.
Do you guys have more than a year until your wedding? If so it might be worth it.
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Expert September 2020
Emily · on August 10, 2019 at 11:14 AM
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Yes, we don't have the option for domestic partnership but we've been thinking about just doing the courthouse thing in 2020 to get benefits going (he's self-employed). I don't (personally) think that it takes away from your wedding/ marriage to do that for legal rights.
If we were in another country, we wouldn't have to worry about this - but it is what it is right now. I'd definitely echo getting the power of attorney set, and probably working on the will/ estate planning side once you make that decision. It's a lot about planning your life and eventually your death together - kinda morbid but I think that stuff is very important.
Good luck!
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