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Savvy October 2019

Do i need to give wedding gifts to my cousin who did not give me anything?

Samantha, on July 28, 2019 at 1:59 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27

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My cousin just got engaged, which is very exciting for her - so I’m sure she’ll be beginning the wedding festivities soon! With that being said, I don’t feel inclined to give her a gift for her shower OR her wedding. She did not give me or my sister gifts for our showers (she did not attend, and as she lives far away and I don’t plan to attend hers either), and she did not give my sister a wedding gift, so I am not expecting one from her come my wedding in October.

Her mother thinks her kids can do no wrong and I know she would be shocked if I didn’t give her daughter any gifts, though I’m also sure she’s unaware that her daughter didn’t give me anything either.

Do I need to give a gift just because it is proper etiquette? Or am I justified in not wanting to gift her anything?

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Latest activity by Lady, on July 29, 2019 at 3:14 PM

VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 28, 2019 at 2:02 PM
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Nobody can force you to do anything. Don't send her a gift if you don't want to.
You could just send her a congratulations card.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 28, 2019 at 2:04 PM
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I give people gifts because I want to, not because of what they’ll give me in return or what they’ve given me in the past. I guess it just depends on your morals. You’re never required to give a gift, but I would never attend a wedding or especially a shower empty handed.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on July 28, 2019 at 2:05 PM
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Sending gifts if you aren’t attending the shower isn’t a thing in my social circle so I don’t see that as a big deal. I think if you’re attending the wedding, you should get a gift. Even if she doesn’t give you one, I do not think that should be a reason for you to stoop to that.
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Devoted June 2019
C R · on July 28, 2019 at 2:07 PM
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If it were me, I would never NOT give a gift just because someone didn’t give me one, or to make a point, because I don’t think that’s what the spirit of gift giving is all about. That said, gifts are never a requirement, so you do what makes you comfortable.
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Beginner February 2020
Ciera · on July 28, 2019 at 2:08 PM
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I think if you can afford it, you should give her a gift. Maybe buy the cheapest thing on her registry. If you can’t afford it, then her not giving you a gift is a great excuse to save the money.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on July 28, 2019 at 2:10 PM
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Since you're not attending anyway, I think it's up to you. If you want to reciprocate and not give her a gift, go for it. If you were attending it would be a different story, but I think it's fine if you don't.
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Savvy October 2019
Samantha · on July 28, 2019 at 2:18 PM
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Ugh, I know this is the right answer, I guess I’m just feeling a little petty!
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Savvy October 2019
Samantha · on July 28, 2019 at 2:19 PM
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I will most likely not be attending her shower, but will definitely be at the wedding.
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Super July 2020
D · on July 28, 2019 at 2:23 PM
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You're justified in not wanting to give a gift but do you want to be the type of person who wrongs another for wronging you? Even a small gift can teach a person a lesson.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on July 28, 2019 at 2:27 PM
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That being the case, if it were me, I'd get her a gift. I'd be annoyed that she didn't get me anything, but I wouldn't feel right attending without getting her something, even if it's just a card and a $25 gift card. It's just good etiquette.
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Super September 2019
Iva · on July 28, 2019 at 2:41 PM
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Don’t be petty, it only leaves you feeling negative or resentful. It’s never a positive feeling. I always choose to do things that I consider right & to act in a way that will make me proud of myself. I don’t match my behaviors to those of others.

Of course if you think that this cousin is mean / unfair / disrespectful to you, you are not obligated to put up with that. But in that case, I’d choose to distance myself from a toxic relationship rather than be petty & perpetuate negative feelings.
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Super September 2019
Dana · on July 28, 2019 at 2:51 PM
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I personally am not tit or tat and would feel awkward showing up empty handed. What she did is not right but maybe she cant afford it. I would be the bigger person if i were you
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VIP September 2019
Yam · on July 28, 2019 at 2:53 PM
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Think of it this way, the gift isn’t for her, it’s for you. You’re giving yourself the gift of peace of mind. You want to look gracious and thoughtful, there’s no point in starting a feud over a present. If you purposely snub someone it won’t be pretty, save your sanity. Let it go and send a card and gift like you would for anyone else.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 28, 2019 at 4:21 PM
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So wait are you attending her wedding? In the original post you said no, but in a comment you said yes.
If you're attending her wedding you should do a gift or money. If you're not attending anything then it doesn't matter.
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Master 0000
Judith · on July 28, 2019 at 4:34 PM
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The shower gift is a second gift . And except for very unusual circumstances, people do not travel far for showers. So no on both counts there. But it is customary to GI a gift at the time of marriage. It need not be a huge investment. But take the high road and do it. She may have decided etiquette was for the birds, or not ever been properly taught, in the past. But she is getting older, more mature. And will likely change when planning her wedding opens her eyes to such things. Be the better person and mail her a wedding gift.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 28, 2019 at 4:39 PM
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Nope! A nice card with a heartfelt message would be nice.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on July 28, 2019 at 5:02 PM
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I definitely wouldn't send a gift to the shower if you are not attending. And I would generally never show up to a wedding (or any event) empty-handed, but personally I would make an exception and not get a wedding gift for someone who didn't get me one. Maybe that's petty lol, but I consider showing up to an event empty-handed to be VERY rude, and if you're fine being rude to me then I'm sure as heck going to be rude back to you
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Master September 2019
Colleen · on July 28, 2019 at 5:10 PM
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I do not give a gift cause I have or have not gotten one. I would bring a gift or money. I guess I do not expect gifts from people. I know people say it is rude not to bring a gift and I get that. I was taught it is also rude to expect a gift and get all upset if I don’t get one.
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Savvy October 2019
Emily · on July 28, 2019 at 5:15 PM
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You are completely justified in how you feel like Caytlyn said you shouldn't feel required to give gifts. It seems that you have some hostility in regards to your cousin with this statement:
"Her mother thinks her kids can do no wrong and I know she would be shocked if I didn’t give her daughter any gifts, though I’m also sure she’s unaware that her daughter didn’t give me anything either."
No one knows the relationship that you and your cousin have except you. You could change the course of the relationship by having a level of understanding such as they might have financial troubles and that is why she didn't give any gifts.
Personally, I like to believe a little kindness never hurt anyone, and maybe a gift could help the relationship.
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Master December 2019
Courtney · on July 28, 2019 at 5:20 PM
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I honestly see my FSIL being like this because she's a terrible gift giver. Legit, she gave me coffee mug that shows the effects of global warming when it gets hot. I'm Dead Serious.
So I wouldn't be surprised if we got a half used gift card to Chipotle or something.
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Do i need to give wedding gifts to my cousin who did not give me anything?

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