Aubrey
Just Said Yes September 2020

Do i keep this bridesmaid in my wedding?

Aubrey, on December 13, 2019 at 10:07 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16
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Hi guys!


So I know the typical answers of of selfish I am being and how I’m not allowed to expect anything of my bridesmaids will come up but hear me out. I’m just not sure if I can get over all of this and keep this girl as a friend let alone bridesmaid.
So my MOH has been planning my bachelorette party. They were going to go somewhere local for the weekend until this certain bridesmaid lost it on all of the girls and said they do not care enough about me if we are not going somewhere elaborate and they need to re-evaluate how they feel about me. So they changed plans and my moh asked me where I wanted to go for bachelorette party. She knows I like to be in charge and I am VERY picky about hotels so she let me pick the Airbnb. She confirmed the dates with every girl (including this specific bm) and she said yes that she will be attending. Moh booked the Airbnb and not 10 minutes later bm responded “I forgot my boyfriend and I want to go to California instead. We can’t pay for both so you guys just have fun.” She then texted ME (the bride) and said to have fun at my bachelorette weekend but she would rather go on vacation. My moh then got a little upset because she waited for the Airbnb to be booked, so when questioning her this bm lost it again and told her to mind her own business and all of her contact will be through me now.
I am hurt that she would choose to go somewhere else instead when she has known the time frame for this for a long time. The way that she has spoken to the other bm’s and moh is very unsettling to me. I’m just not sure where to go from here

16 Comments

  • Kristen
    VIP October 2020
    Kristen Online ·
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    I am kind of against the expectation that they are only supposed to show up and there because ultimately I think many brides choose their party based on girls that can also be there for the big events unless a prior obligation or reason prohibits them. Her boyfriend is important but she basically chose to spend her money on a vacation with him rather than be there for you as previously arranged and that is messed up...esp when it was her decision. To me, you have a right to be upset. I feel she is being difficult. If finances or timing prohibited her then I would understand. I would maybe just back off and just not include her in any future events or communication unless it comes to the day of when she needs to be there and treat her as such. It is your decision if you want to continue the friendship and if you do , which is fine, I would not go out of your way for her considering the treatment she gave you. As of now do not let this get to you and just hope she will be there day of. Let the other ladies plan without her maybe?

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  • Danielle
    Devoted May 2020
    Danielle ·
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    I'm not for the nonsense either. I would not have her as a bridesmaid. 1. She lost it
    2. Bachelorette party was changed for her
    3. She already accepted the offer for the Airbnb4. NOW SHE'D RATHER DO A VACATION WITH HER bf....hell no. I'm with you get rid of her accepted the least as far the wedding is concerned.
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  • Danielle
    Devoted May 2020
    Danielle ·
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    Correction: as far as the wedding is concerned.
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  • Danielle
    Devoted May 2020
    Danielle ·
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    Yessssss. Too well said
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  • Kristen
    VIP October 2020
    Kristen Online ·
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    LOL thanks. More important she seems to be causing drama with the other party and that is not cool. They do not deserve that. Poor MOH. I agree with you that maybe she would be better as a guest or just at this point hope she shows the day of and if not do not let it make you sweat.

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  • Allyson
    Devoted February 2020
    Allyson ·
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    My aunt told me last second that she wasn’t going to have her son be my ring bearer because they wanted to go on another vacation when they had known the wedding date for a year. I don’t think people like this deserve to be in our lives. I’m sorry this happened to you Smiley sad she sounds very selfish, bratty, unreliable, and difficult. I personally can’t get past these things. If you don’t feel comfortable with her being in the wedding, I encourage you to do what feels right. You don’t want any unnecessary drama distracting you from any of these events because it’s YOUR time! You will only get one bachelorette, one rehearsal dinner, one wedding and you shouldn’t have to stress about someone else’s attitude and if they will cause issues. Funny she told them that they’re the ones who don’t care enough about you for the destination they picked when she isn’t even showing up in general.
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  • Liza
    Dedicated September 2020
    Liza ·
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    Personally, I would first talk to your friend and let her know that how she spoke to your MoH and other BM was hurtful. I would make it more about that and not about her choosing to go on vacation over your bachelorette.

    She can choose to go on vacation instead of your bachelorette, it may be hurtful, but its her decision. But being rude to you and your MoH/BM is not acceptable. I would give her a chance to apologize and if she doesn't or if she doesn't see what she did wrong, then it would be time to reevaluate the friendship.

    I am assuming if she is your friend and currently a BM, you must have thought she was a good friend before. Is this behavior unusual? Is she maybe stressed about something or money?

    I have a BM who won't be able to make it to my shower or bachelorette due to cost (she would need to fly-she's the only one who doesn't live where the rest of us do) If I could afford to, I would help her, but I can't. She was a bit rude/frustrating in the beginning of planning these activities because she was hurt she could not join. I just let it slide and now she is back to her normal/not rude self and is Okay that she is having to miss the shower/bachelorette. She did spend two weeks in Europe with her bf this year, but I was happy for her! She deserved the vacation! I would have chosen the vacation over my wedding activities too. Just trying to provide an example of where her behavior might be coming from, especially if it is out of character.


    Sorry you are dealing with this!

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  • Kristen
    VIP October 2020
    Kristen Online ·
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    I think you are correct about what you are saying that she should apologize. My only disagreement is about the vacation. It is fine she prefers a vacation with her SO but to demand that others change the bachelortte to her liking and then basically say she would rather have a vacation (if that is the case I get it but I feel that is rude to say because in my opinion your day is not important enough rather I prefer to spend my money in other ways) than attend her event. Had she approached that topic a different way (it is fine she felt she needs vacation time with her SO as it is important but just her wording was wrong to me) then I would get that. I like your idea of sitting down and letting her know how rude she has been is not acceptable and should apologize. Maybe there is an underlying problem as well? I think she should be told that from this point out you would like her to be cordial with the others because you do not want any drama or issues and if she does not get that or is unable to do it then you can invite her to be a guest. That's my opinion. Don't mean to sound rude. Smiley smile

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  • Deirdre
    Super March 2018
    Deirdre ·
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    I would say that if you kick her out of your bridal party, you will probably lose her as a friend. That being said, I do think what she did is pretty messed up, so I don't know if you really want to keep her as a friend. If you do want her as a friend, I would say don't kick her out, maybe talk to her about how she made you feel and then just not include her much in stuff as PP said. If you are okay with ending the friendship, then go ahead and kick her out of your party. I would be afraid if you kick her out of the party, but still try to keep the friendship, she'll cause a lot of drama and not make it worth it. Good luck!

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  • Liza
    Dedicated September 2020
    Liza ·
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    Yes, I get that!

    I think a lot is unknown to us and so I was trying to account for that. such as: What exactly did the friend say? Did she want to go on the bachelorette and then her bf freaked out about their vacation so she had to cancel? Did the vacation end up costing more than she thought it would? Was some of her CA vacation already booked so it was not possible to cancel it when she realized she could not afford both trips? Did one of the other BM make her uncomfortable somehow so she no longer wanted to go?

    Just saying! People are complicated!

    You don't sound rude at all - but it is much harder to communicate over text than in person so I hope you understand I am not being defensive or rude either!

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  • Kristen
    VIP October 2020
    Kristen Online ·
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    Oh no and I totally did not take it that way. You make a good point from various aspects and there is much we do not know too. Hopefully everything works out for the best. Smiley laugh

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  • Gen
    Master June 2019
    Gen ·
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    The bachelorette party is not mandatory so idk why you’d kick someone out because they’re prioritizing their vacation over your bachelorette party.


    But it’s really up to you but if you ask her to not be a bridesmaid anymore you will probably lose her as a friend. If you’re ok with that then fine.
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  • Kristen
    VIP October 2020
    Kristen Online ·
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    You make a good point but at the same time I do not think it is right to plan and change the plans on the bridal party then say I prefer to take a vacation than come after her wanting things her way. Maybe there is something we do not know but if she stated up front that she has a vacation planned and cannot make it then cool but it sounds like she planned to come, rudely told the bridal party to do it a certain way then decided to drop out last minute.

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  • Traci
    Dedicated October 2021
    Traci ·
    • Flag
    tenor.gifHer behavior is unacceptable all around
    She nerds to go byebye ☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾☝🏾


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  • E
    Savvy January 2020
    Elizabeth ·
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    Forcing everyone to change their plans then backing out of those plans that were changed to suit her is pretty damn selfish. I would be tempted to let her know that her position as BM is purely voluntary and that you certainly do not want to put any undue pressure on her with the responsibilities that come with the position, so, you promise not to be upset or offended if she wishes to relinquish the honor.
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  • Victoria
    Dedicated November 2019
    Victoria ·
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    I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I had a very similar situation. Bridesmaid committed to the trip, AirB&B booked then backed out (no trip like your case). As much as I was bummed she couldn’t make it, I told her I understood but asked that she still cover her portion of the AirB&B (the one booked was more to accommodate our total count, could have been cheaper for everyone if she didn’t commit). She lost her mind despite me trying to compromise and cover half of her cost without asking my fiancé who I had a joint bank account with. They had literally a full year’s notice so it was a surprise or last minute plan. In both my case and what it sounds like in yours, this person doesn’t fully care or respect you or your girls. Things come up and you can’t make plans but disrespectful behavior is not appropriate. No matter what you do, you will lose this person if you dismiss her yourself. Ultimately, my bridesmaid relinquished her role as a bridesmaid and we haven’t spoken since her decision which frankly was mutual but I needed her to decide she didn’t want to stand at my wedding. It sucks because we were friends for 10 years but similarly, there was a boyfriend involved. Our relationship grew apart as theirs grew stronger long before I got engaged. It’s sad and most people hate to see friendships end, but it happens. I had hoped that by her stepping down as bridesmaid, it would take any pressure off our friendship so we could make up and/or heal but that’s not been the case so far. Best of luck and remember that while it’s sad, it’s okay to grow apart from people. My experience showed me who truly supports me and my now husband’s marriage.
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