Jennifer
Just Said Yes December 2019

Do i have to invite them?

Jennifer, on September 12, 2019 at 1:04 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16
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So this is really sad. I used to be very close with my pastors. And I gave them a save the date back in May, but mostly out of respect at that point because the pastors wife has hurt a lot of people, myself included. Church has been my family since I was a kid. Now I really don’t want her at the wedding. I’m afraid of drama she might cause or the people I love feeling uncomfortable. So I guess I’m asking; how do I NOT invite them? Is it ok to ghost them? I want to be mature about it. Do I need to TELL them they are not invited???

16 Comments

  • N
    Expert August 2019
    N ·
    • Flag
    I would ghost. You don’t need toxic people at your wedding and you’ll be happier for it. If you have to speak to them, talk to the husband and say you’re downsizing because you want a more intimate event or chose to go a different route.
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  • Jeanie
    Rockstar February 2020
    Jeanie ·
    • Flag
    If you ghost them, I think you should still be prepared for it to come up eventually. But I don’t think you would be wrong to not invite them. You didn’t say what the pastors wife had done, nor do you need to explain to us, but if she/they are unaware of the hurt that’s been caused you may want to talk to them about it since it’s clear you’re pretty upset about it. If you feel this negatively towards them it may be time to find a new church if you haven’t already.
    • Reply
  • M
    VIP September 2019
    Mrs. Bubba ·
    • Flag
    Okay, so I decided to not invite some co-workers for a few reasons even after showing them their seats on the Seating Chart.

    You just can’t invite/Host everyone that you’ve ever met.

    PS: I’m so glad that I didn’t send the Save the Dates.
    • Reply
  • Sara
    Super October 2019
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    Generally speaking, everyone who gets a save the date should get an invite. But if the situation has changed and you're not comfortable having her there, I think not inviting them might be the way to go. I'm very much not a confrontational person, so I'd be really uncomfortable explaining why I changed my mind, so if I was in your shoes, I'd definitely just ghost them.

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag

    I don't think that ghosting someone is "being mature about it." Anyone who receives a save the date should also get an invitation. If what she's done is awful enough that you no longer want them to attend, I would give them an explanation. If not, they're going to be the ones to bring it up to you.

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  • Jennifer
    Just Said Yes December 2019
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Right, so what do I say?
    • Reply
  • R
    Just Said Yes April 2019
    Robsgirl ·
    • Flag
    Don't feel guilty about not inviting them regardless if they have a save-the-date or not. If they come and you have a miserable time they will not be apologetic to you about your embarrassment, their drama and your waste of money; not to mention the memories of the craziness.

    This is your day! You have who you want there, who you love there and who you respect there! You can send them a nice little card a week before the wedding explaining how they are not invited and why. Own your reasons why and stick to them! It doesn't matter how they feel about being uninvited because perception is everything and right now your perception is paramount. They will get over it. Have a wonderful wedding!
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Hard saying when we have no idea what she did.

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  • Diana
    VIP December 2019
    Diana ·
    • Flag
    In my personal opinion, it’s supposed to be a day of coming together to celebrate a union of two people who loves each other. I don’t want people at our wedding causing drama or problems. I wouldn’t want this to happen at our upcoming wedding. So I would personally not invite them.
    • Reply
  • Tilar Fifield
    Devoted August 2019
    Tilar Fifield ·
    • Flag
    I ghosted a bridesmaid 😂 Well not really... I had to removed a bridesmaid because for reasons (long story) but I had obviously already sent her and her mother a save the date. I removed her in March and I decided if she didn’t talk to me by the time I needed to send invites (May) then she wasn’t getting one. I am very happy she was not there. If she was I would have looked at her and remember all the terrible ways she made me feel, so I’m very happy I had absolutely no toxic people on my special day. If this lady has done something that horrible then screw her and ghost them. And if they ever ask just tell them straight up. “Sorry Pastor blah blah, you guys weren’t invited because your wife did blah blah blah”.
    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    I think you should be upfront with them that they've hurt you. Having that conversation would let them know they're not being invited to your wedding for reasons A, B, C, etc. Good luck!

    • Reply
  • Keri
    Expert November 2019
    Keri ·
    • Flag

    If these are people you see on a regular basis, I would tell them. Does this person know the issue others have with her?

    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    The other issue with ghosting someone you’ve already given the date and location is .... they can still show up.

    The course of action/ what to say really depends on the specifics of the situation here.

    also to be clear ....is this pastor performing your wedding ? Or is your wedding at their church? If so, I would consider repercussions before taking any action.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    My sister's FI's Minister's wife could not be in 20 feet of sis or anyone else else not of their Lutheran denomination without saying no mixed religious marriage has a chance, calling others heathens and pagans. Pastor had been asked at 3 months out to attend with wife sis had never met. Then she met pastor's wife, and heard she was terrible about preaching the non- Lutheran's would go to he!! or something. . . Sis wanted to change pastors, but he turned out to be a relative, and already invited by FI parents. So they got a very nice $150 gift certificate for the country club restaurant nearby. And gave it privately to the pastor, saying that as his wife would not feel comfortable socializing with non-Lutherans (Inuit) and was also given to making racial slurs, they thought it best that Pastor consider this wedding a work related job. And after the ceremony, he and his wife could have a relaxing non-work meal, as the wedding would end around 6 pm. The pastor was very gracious about it. No one cared what the wife thought it said about it. So treated like a vendor meal, or a tip, not as guests at the function. Future in laws got upset, because they had promised, and never had noticed pastor's wife being prejudiced. But they are Lutherans in a 99 percent Lutheran town, though Lutherans are of two different types. And all white Scandinavian. The pastor had agreed to do the mixed religious ceremony, at the nearby college chapel, and no grievance against him at all. And accepting if adding Inuit traditions, and prayer. He said, we do not have to share the same things, just not conflict in everyday moral behavior. But his outspoken and prejudiced wife, not welcome . Ordinarily sis and FI would have said, once they have been asked, grin and bear it unless a violent or lawbreaking incident would result. But mean and inflammatory speech from the spouse of a functionary or vendor, no.
    • Reply
  • A
    Master October 2019
    Angelena ·
    • Flag

    Not sure why you sent a STD to them if you already knew and had these feelings because now it looks bad.. With all this mess you wrote above about the situation, a STD to them would've been the last thing on my mind.

    We didn't send FH's pastor a STD but invited him and his wife. They declined. I think it is pretty common for those of religious stature to not attend the party. Obviously he is still marrying us but that's it. If none of these people are marrying you and someone else is then sure fine you can just not invite them but be prepared to get questions and to have an explanation for it.

    • Reply
  • Maddie
    Devoted October 2020
    Maddie ·
    • Flag
    I would be honest and tell them that you sent the save the date out of respect because you grew up in the church but the wife hurt you and you don’t want any hard feelings or drama on the day of your wedding.

    This is is a special day for you girl! No drama is needed or wanted!

    You are the bride and it is OKAY to change your mind.
    • Reply

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