Divorced parents and small wedding

So there's no possibility that his parents would be able to set their differences aside for approximately an hour or so to watch their son get married? I don't think it's wise to keep your engagement or marriage from his mother, as that would most likely be seen as a betrayal in her eyes. Understandably so. Maybe speak to them individually and tell them that you'd like them to be there (assuming that is the case-- that you both want them there) and hope that they can set their differences aside for the sake of their son and future daughter in law and that they don't have to speak or even look at each other, but to please not cause any disruptions on such an important day.

ETA: words

What does your FH think? Does he want his mom there?

That's unfortunate they can't act like a normal grown-up for their son's wedding.

I agree, we will definitely tell his mom. It's not her fault that her ex acts like a 12 year old. FH doesn't really care one way or another. From a logistical standpoint, he picks his dad just because his dad would be the one that would throw a fit if he didn't come, and his mom is kind of disinterested in general.

We are considering having our ceremony with just us, and then doing dinner at a restaurant, where his dad would be much more inclined to behave himself, but we have to have two witnesses in AK for the ceremony. Our photographer could be one, but then I'd want my dad for the other. Then we're back to not giving all parents the same involvement.

It might be different at your wedding or I guess I'd hope that they could? Maybe mention it to them.

I'm not usually one for ultimatums, but these people are not acting like adults.

I suggest giving all of the parents the option to attend the wedding and telling them to either set their differences aside or stay home.

I told FH that he needs to tell his mom we're engaged and then maybe we will at least have an idea of whether she'd travel for it or not. I'd love to believe that his dad could keep it together for his son's benefit, but that would be very uncharacteristic of him.

Do you think that if we just had my dad come to the ceremony as a witness and invited the others for dinner afterward, they would understand? Like they'll think oh a father/daughter relationship is different, that's why he gets to go? I am a total daddy's girl, and they are all well aware of that.

I don't think it would cause a problem if only your father came to the ceremony. If he's the only parent that you have a close and healthy relationship with that he should be the one there. If anyone throws a fit about it you can simply explain that you only needed two witnesses and you already had one being the photographer. It's not that you are trying to push out certain people from being a part of the ceremony it's simply that you needed two people to be included in it.

I also agree that you should invite everyone and if they don't think they can handle being in the same room and act with respect then they can choose to stay home. If it's important enough to them they will make the effort and if it's not then there's no sense having them there anyways.

From your posts, it does not sound like only inviting your father would be well received. But if it is what you and your FH want, absolutely do that.

My parents have been divorced for 30 years and my mom still walked out of my daughter's birthday party because I invited my dad. Who I invite yo everything. Because they are adults and I am an adult. If your fiance wants both parents there, then invite both. If one doesn't come, fine. If they both come, keep them as far away from each other as possible and tell them to grow up. This day is not about their issues. If they can't be adults, they can leave but don't NOT invite one over the pettiness of not getting over something 17 years ago.

How selfish to let any sort of resentment you have towards an ex, interfere with and ruin your children’s milestone events. I feel so sorry for children of divorced parents like this.

I'm of the opinion that you invite whomever you'd like to have there with you. And then let those invitees make their own decisions as to whether or not they attend.

Best of luck to you!

I can understand this one since my parents have never been married to each other but I watched them both divorce other people. It can seem easier to try and appease everyone but this is not the time to do that. It's important not to have regrets during such an important moment so I'd do something like this.

Call both of them and tell them. Then say how excited you are to finally be doing this. Tell them your plans for the wedding and say something like this. "I know that the past has been painful and hard to get past. We're just hoping that we can have everyone we love there for us as we take this step. We'll understand if you decide not to come but hope that everyone can be civil for us. We hope you don't take offense." Maybe they'll surprise you but be prepared for a fight.

Also I think that for the witnesses you should pick one person for each of you. If you want your dad that's great. Leave the other person entirely up to him. If he wants the photographer fine if he has someone he's closest to go with them.

Good luck