Wanting to avoid drama, yet not hurt people..help!

I would have a talk with your mom and see if she is going to be able to keep control of him on your day because when you are at their wedding you of course will behave.

It is your day, and if you don't want him there then you don't have to invite him. This is going to be your happy thought and should be your happy place. Make sure it is that way for you.

But, I would talk to your mother and make sure she understands your decision, and that you're not making that decision to hurt her and that you very much want her love and support on your big day. While you may not have a relationship with him your mother does, and it's probably a happiness in her life that she wants to share with him.

I'm sorry that I don't have any suggestions for you. This is a very difficult situation because if he acts up, no amount of apologies after the fact will compensate for the fact that he might have put a damper on you and your fiance's day. If your mother is apologizing for him for his outburst rather than him apologizing for himself, that tells me that he lacks self-control and that you are right to be worried he could cause problems at the wedding.

You still have some time between now and your wedding and likely other incidents will come up during that time. Try not to leave in tears like you did the last time. As hard as it might be, hold back the tears and prepare some things that you want to say to him. Sometimes all people need is to see that there's someone who will stand up to them in order for them to check themselves and correct their behavior. Good luck.

Thank you for your words, Alison. I have tried standing up to him but may need to be more firm.

It is alright for your mother to excuse his behaviors as chemo brain if that is what is going on. It is not alright to subject you to his abuse on your wedding day. I think she should understand if you explain that you are just too stressed out to risk his bad behaviors at your wedding, and you would like her to come alone.

If he's that sick, he may not be up to attending a wedding as close family, who are often there all day and evening. You can always frame it as concern for his health/stamina as well....."if he tires that easily just having people over, I really think a long wedding day will be too much for him"

He should be invited. BUT- he may not even attend, if he is sick and you 2 don't have a good relationship. Even if he is there - you will have very minimal interaction with him if any at all. Honestly, you probably wouldn't even notice he was there.

Inviting him, then hoping he won't attend is not what I would do. Until he acknowledges his behavior & apologize for it his ass will be at the crib. Sick or not, he has to know that his behavior hurt you. My mom suffered severe chemo brain but she was never mean to anyone, except the hospice nurses. But anyway, I wouldn't even consider having him there let alone spending money for him to be there until he himself apologized.

@annakay why do you think he should be invited? Also, how would I not notice bed there? We are having a small wedding of 50-60. Yeah, as we have dwindled the guest list down it comes down to who do we want to surround ourselves with as we celebrate a day of love? Also, is this relationship worth over $100? It's a tough one, thanks for all the different feedback. I don't want to hurt my mom by proxy, but I know she is aware of how hurtful he has been. I have no idea how difficult chemo brain is, I do know that I want a good day without ruffling any feathers

I notice your date is in September, do you think he will still be on chemo at that time? Most rounds don't last that long.

If you're not true to your heart, the person you'll hurt the most is yourself.

Honestly, parents who are extremely sick make it to their kids weddings because, it's wedding. I wouldn't count on him not coming to his soon to be step daughters wedding...

@Holly he has had 35 rounds of chemo so far and I don't know when they will stop to be honest, maybe a few months? Maybe more. He has tried to flirt and pick up a few of my friends before he was sick and even tried to watch me and FH make love. Not a joke. Thanks @Kristina, I do need to be true to myself and my heart. He is rude on and off chemo, I suppose more so on it but is generally a blowhard and frustrating. We will send invites in May-June so I suppose I have time to mull it over and see if an apology comes my way

It's your day honesty do what you want.

Thanks everyone it is nice to have support from people outside of the situation

Chemo brain does not usually make you an asshole. Forget stuff yes, turn you into an asshole, not normally. If he has brain mets that may explain some part of it. I would flat out tell him and your mother he needs to start treating you better and behaving himself or he will not be invited.

Prepare yourself for the possibility that not inviting him might alienate your mother, and she would be in a very difficult position. I would start with a conversation with her about his behavior and how it will affect your wedding.

I would explain to your Mom what he's done, and tell her you don't want him there. It's horrible that he's going through that, but that doesn't give him a free pass to treat you that way.

@S&C thank you. It means a lot to hear that I think you are right about setting boundaries in a healthy way, I will google some books and if you have suggestions do please let me know.