Pre-Wedding? Wedding shower? 2 Receptions?

This doesn't sound like YOUR party, so you get to skip all the stress of figuring anything out. It's 100% in her ball court. She's having a party that is honoring you. This sounds like it should be an engagement party since it's actually before the wedding. You shouldn't have to do anything but show up. And if there's something that is a deal breaker, all you have to do is say you aren't comfortable with attending.

I would not invite your east coast friends. I think it is too much to be invited to two different events. Keep it to the local people and people in her family that she wants to invite. It is not the actual wedding so it is not tiered invites.

Got it! Leave it off the "general" invite, makes sense. We'll just let her handle it. She's still debating whether to make us invite her friends to the actual wedding but I have a feeling we'll still have to..... annoying. but I am resisting the desire to stir more drama than a wedding already requires.

My mother is doing this for her friends. I have known many since birth, but we don't have the $ for the wedding to include everyone. I am not including it in the invitations or the wedding website.

She is in charge of planning. It will be a great addition for people who can't come to the actual wedding.

I think it sounds like overkill, honestly. It sounds gift grabby and strange.

Have a wedding. People will come or they won't.

@Celia- I disagree. If her MIL is insisting and planning, OP has very little to do with it and it's essentially a wedding shower/party thrown by MIL in honor of the B&G.

If MIL wants to extend the invitation passed who she envisioned in her area than I get the overkill part.

Very odd, and quite a confusing invitation. I'd think, "What the hell is this? A pre-wedding reception? What is a pre-wedding reception. Is this a glorified engagement party to which we must bring wedding appropriate gifts, or is this a reception set up to garner gifts we won't send because we aren't invited to the east coast wedding? The couple are adults, and as adults, they choose to get married on the east coast, so that's that." Yeah, not so much.

And whatever you do, leave the east coasters alone. Yes, it is FAR too much to ask them to attend two receptions -- thousands of miles apart.

Honestly, I'd decline this offer. It's just too transparent. No offense -- I know you aren't planning it.

MIL's shouldn't be hosting showers.

Let her handle this with separate event-specific invitations, and I'd probably skip inviting your east coast friends!

We had a mini party thrown for us 2 months before the wedding in DH's hometown. Basically it was his best family friends who really wanted to do something for us and to finally meet my family! It was very casual - casual invites, and I only invited my family and any friends who were local to the area. I mentioned it to my bridesmaids but told them not to worry about adding another pre-wedding event to the calendar and they were happy to pass on this one

Yeah but also according to etiquette/tradition neither should the bride's immediate family- What if you sister is your MOH?

Anyway, call it a party then. If she insists and OP insists no gifts then their is no harm IMO.

And you are sure your FMIL isn't going to have his childhood pastor there and pull the "why don't you just get married now?" card?

I'm very interested in this topic as we are deciding on this ourselves. We are thinking about private family ceremony with 2 receptions. NO GIFTS NEEDED.

DF is in the air force so we have family EVERYWHERE. Trying to coordinate the entire circus is becoming too much. I've lived in Colorado for 11 years yet family isn't close. He's from the east coast with family from NY to FL not to mention dealing with his ex in regards to her allowing the kids to attend.

We'd rather have a simple ceremony and celebrate with our friends and family even if it is in 2 separate locations.

It sounds like an engagement party to me. Let her throw you a party but I wouldn't invite East Coast friends. Just local ones.

By the way- My Mom lives in Healdsburg. Right around the corner :-)

One etiquette note is that all guests at pre-wedding events must be invited to the actual wedding. Why invite people to celebrate something that they're not invited to?

If everyone is invited to both events, then I guess your FMIL is having an engagement party. If they're not then it's a tiered event and quite rude.