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Beginner September 2018

moh lashing out, have i done anything wrong?

Sara, on July 3, 2018 at 11:25 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16

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Hey WW community, sorry I haven't been active in these forums these past few months, but I'm in desperate need of advice right now...

When the planning started, FH and I wanted to have a joined bachelor/bachelorette party. It just made sense to us since we're both really close friends with everyone involved, especially that the MOH is his closest female friend and one of the best men is my closest male friend. Well we had a handful of people who were looking forward to a "guys only" and "girls only" parties, and were adamant that we stick to tradition. So we threw our hands up in the air and ditched the joined party idea.

Then last night, my MOH found out my FH bachelor party is this weekend and that she wasn't invited....And she flipped out, big time! Kept saying she couldn't believe she wasn't invited and threatened to end their friendship over it. She said she's always been "one of the guys" and so has one of the other bridesmaids and couldn't believe he didn't insist on having them there. He told her how he wasn't even the one who planned it, and he didn't think it would be appropriate regardless being that they're renting a little cabin in the woods (where's she gonna sleep??). Of course he didn't mention it, but the other concern he had (& me too, honestly) is that she's one of the best men's ex GF, and has cheated on her now FH with this guy in the past... My FH just doesn't feel comfortable telling the guy who is planning this trip "Hey! Make sure you invite your ex!". So FH put her on ignore for a while cuz he thought she was being unreasonable.

Later on, I texted her to see if we could hangout & catch up. She said she refused to talk to me because of this party issue. So I was like "Well I'm confused? What did I do?" And then she flipped out on me.... insisting my FH & I think she's just a wh*re. Tried assuring her that's not the case. Then she blamed me saying: "Your insecurity about who Eric's friends are is causing an 8 year relationship with my oldest n dearest friend down the drain"...... Seriously? If I was so insecure, why would I encourage him to spend one on one time with her every time I find out she misses him? This is something I've done numerous times over the years...

I feel so hurt. She's making a huge production over not going to the bachelor party, while she has been blowing me off for months, just straight up ignoring me (that's a whole different topic...). I told her how hurt I feel & her response: "Well ur acting like we were ur friends first, but the truth is Lauren and I were his friends first. sry if the truth hurts, but its the truth." I could go on and on... I'm trying my best to not write a novel...but there's even more hurtful things she said.

I understand she feels like she's missing out & my FH hurt her feelings... but I don't think that justifies taking it out on me.

So in summary... FH (and many other ppl) think I should just tell her she's out of the wedding because she just causes heartache. Idk how to handle this, or to even begin such a conversation..

Help!

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16 Comments

Latest activity by Malei, on July 6, 2018 at 8:24 PM

Dedicated June 2018
meagan · on July 3, 2018 at 11:52 PM
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Ohhhhhh girl so sorry to hear.... but honestly you do NOT need that drama. Also, I think maybe FH should be the one to tell her she’s no longer in the wedding if that’s what you guys decide or maybe the two of you together. I feel like if just you are the one telling her it might turn out even worse... good luck girl! And remember it’s your damn wedding and you don’t need to please ANYONE!!
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Beginner September 2018
Sara · on July 4, 2018 at 12:14 AM
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Thanks Meagan!!! And I honestly I thought maybe it’d be best coming from him, too. She’s clearly not in the mindset to see how she has hurt me because she’s so wrapped up in feeling hurt by him!
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Dedicated August 2018
K&M · on July 4, 2018 at 12:49 AM
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Oh man, she's being so rude and it sounds like she has no idea what's even really going on here. You should have FH tell her the truth, that he chose not to invite her because he doesn't want to make his friend uncomfortable, and that you've been nothing but supportive of their friendship.
You definitely didn't do anything wrong, and if this happened to me I'd probably be super upset not only with the MOH, but with FH too for not telling her the truth about it. I would be SO MAD if I was accused of standing in the way of someone's friendship out of "insecurity", because I absolutely can't stand that sort of thing. I would probably blow up on both of them haha. You seem a lot nicer than me LOL.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 4, 2018 at 12:58 AM
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I agree. She’s being ridiculous. Why would a girl be invited to a guy’s bachelor party?? Inappropriate. And to take it out on you or FH, that’s immature.

It sounds like neither of you want her in the wedding? Can you trust her to attend as a guest? If not, something like, “FH and I are extremely hurt by your behavior and are not comfortable having you be in or attend our wedding. This makes me so sad but I think it’s best for all of us.”

Whatever decision you come to, keep the communication brief. Drama queens love to argue, flip out, ask questions, anything to engage and try to upset or get upper hand. Don’t ask questions, share your feelings and your decision.

Big hugs! It’s gonna be tough but whatever decision you make, make sure you & FH agree and it’ll help you both enjoy the rest of your planning & wedding day. ❤️
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VIP August 2018
Alforev · on July 4, 2018 at 7:52 AM
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Is she your friend at all or is she just the MOH because she’s your FHs friend? It has nothing to do with jealousy, but she needs to realize that she has no right to demand time with your FH or be angry over not being invited to his bachelor party. It’s not normal for a girl to be that obsessive over someone else’s FH. I wouldn’t give into her and honestly in this situation I would say that since she’s clearly not in this for you, that it’s inappropriate for her to be involved any further in the wedding. It might be better to have this drama now than letting her think it’s okay because she will continue to fight for time with him as you’re married and you will get sick of it. You won’t want to look back at your wedding pictures many years from now and see her.
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VIP July 2018
The Nuptials · on July 4, 2018 at 8:37 AM
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She would have to go. BFF or not no other woman is causing drama in my relationship/marriage. Bye bye. He can let her know she crossed a line and the buck stops with him. Then block her because she’s not going to go down easy. She ruined the friendship but she probably won’t realize that for years to come, oh well.
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VIP July 2018
The Nuptials · on July 4, 2018 at 8:40 AM
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And this is an engaged woman looking to spend the night with a bunch of guys 👀

And she thinks you all think she’s a W****?

Yeah ok, pass on this all together. He needs to Sever ties.
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Expert May 2018
Kimberly · on July 4, 2018 at 8:47 AM
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1-no you haven’t done anything wrong
2-you’re a lot more patient that I am
3-you’re a lot nicer than I am
4-this girl is unreasonable
5-good news is that it seems like your future husband sees how ridiculous she’s being and is on board with getting her out of the wedding party
6-have your FH be the one to kick her out of wedding party
7-sorry you’re dealing with this
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Devoted July 2019
Ally · on July 4, 2018 at 11:22 AM
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She seems like a loose cannon and it appears her intent to hang with the groomsmen was for her own gain. She s not mad because she wasn't invited because she's one of the guys. Lol. She s and because she wasn't invited and had other reasons to want to be there. She s probably trying to keep an eye on her ex. You should make it easy for yourself. Tell her of she wants to be selfish then not to waste your time. You can always replace her with another bridesmaid. Her behavior is childish and, not to mention, a bachelor party is for MEN.
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Expert August 2018
Heather · on July 4, 2018 at 12:35 PM
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She sounds like a stage 5 clinger. I understand that her and FH are good friends, but she doesn't need to be hanging out with him during the bachelor party. That's just beyond weird.
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Dedicated September 2019
Maria · on July 4, 2018 at 12:50 PM
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I'm pretty sure she just wanted to be near her ex and sounds crazy. I would remove her from the wedding since her intentions clearly aren't her best friend/your future husbands happiness.
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Super November 2018
Kay · on July 4, 2018 at 5:30 PM
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Ohhhhh wow.
Well your MOH sounds outrageous and completely unreasonable. I remember when my cousin got married and I had to fly in for it and all the guys went out together (all 3 of my cousins are guys), I was a little sad I had to go the girl thing because we have such few opportunities to all be together plus I didn't know any of the girls BUT I did not act like an absolute childish brat, I understood it because I would have totally changed the dynamic.
As for asking her to leave the wedding, you need to think well and hard on that and not listen to others. This most likely would be friendship ending. Are you OK with losing her as a friend?
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Beginner September 2018
Sara · on July 4, 2018 at 7:29 PM
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Sorry for the late response, but thanks everyone for all of your support!!! This is echoing what a lot of our friends & family members have said.

I did ask her because she is one of my best friends, not just because of her friendship with FH. The two of us have become really close over the years.

We’ve decided it’s best not to have her in the wedding because she hasn’t been involved anyway and has caused lots of frustration throughout the planning, this was kinda the last straw.
FH agrees that it would be best coming from him. He’s upset about her being dramatic, but he’s especially upset with how she disrespected me. Our only concern is that if she isn’t in it, then one of the other bridesmaids will back out, in anticipation of MOH forcing her to take sides.
He wants to talk to the other bridesmaid first, she has always been the more diplomatic one & level headed. So hopefully she’ll still want to be in the wedding if we let her know that we don’t want her being forced into taking sides on the issue.

Hoping no friendships are lost over this... but if she can’t be an adult about it, then maybe we’ve outgrown each other...

Another concern: my mom suggested I buy back her dress and have a similar sized friend fill her spot. But FH & another good friend said to not even bother and just let her try returning it if she wants. Idk if that’s too much of an F U? But she has pretty much already said that to me anyway..

If it makes any difference, the dress was only $80 and we’re doing mismatched colors & styles so it was kinda her own pick, rather than me telling her exactly which one to get.
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Dedicated August 2018
K&M · on July 4, 2018 at 8:13 PM
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I would personally buy back her dress since you're making the decision to not have her in the wedding party. But yeah she is being completely unfair to you.

And definitely have FH tell her the real reason why he chose not to have her in the bachelor party, since it had to do with the groomsman and nothing to do with you. It's not fair to you at all for her to go on thinking this was your fault.
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VIP September 2018
AJ · on July 5, 2018 at 8:57 AM
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My FH has two women who he wanted in the wedding party: his sister and a girl who is an integral part of our friend group. I said he could have them on HIS side...that's where they truly belong even though they're female, and it meant I would not be all up in any drama. Both of these girls ARE going to his bachelor party in a cabin... and for us it makes sense. The friend is like "one of the guys" and would have probably felt left out if not invited (she came to my bachelorette, too).

The difference is... she ain't crazy! I trust this girl with anything, and know she isn't a drama llama. It sounds like your FH's friend is not healthy to be around, honestly, and I hope she either gets it together or is cut from your lives because I don't see it stopping if allowed to continue or be given in to now.
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Super October 2018
Malei · on July 6, 2018 at 8:24 PM
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Wow that's a heapton of unnecessary drama. I mean, I get it about her being "one of the guys." That's how I am with my closest friends (who are all guys) and when FH first moved here, he joined in our group and that's actually how we met and eventually dated (after being friends for 4 years). One of them got married last year and all of my guy friends (and FH) were in his wedding party and I was in hers even though he was my friend first. They planned his bachelor party and they actually invited me. When I found out that I was the only girl invited (understandable because I was part of that "group"), I declined. Yes he was my friend, they ALL were my friends, and my FH was even going to be there... but even I thought my presence would have been WEIRD because I would've been the only girl at a bachelor party... and I'm usually the only girl any other time!
I think that girl just wanted the attention and is acting like a child because she was probably used to getting it. And now all these people are gathering and events are happening because of him and you... and she's "just one of the girls" now and that probably makes her feel transparent.
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