Hosting a shower getting out of hand

You need to stop hinting and be direct with her. Tell her that you are only comfortable hosting "x" number so she will need to cut the list. As the host you get to decide where to host it and how many to host. You also get to decide what is served. That's ridiculous of her to demand a certain cake like that especially when it sounds like that would be an expensive custom cake. Other than providing the guest list and her available dates she shouldn't be involved at all in the planning. Are there other bridesmaids that are helping you?

Yes after I found out about the number of people she wanted to invite I asked two of the other bridesmaids to co host with me and they agreed.

But now that there are more people involved the other bridesmaids seem to be going along with what she wants which I feel like makes me look like the bad guy.

I think you have to be firm instead of dropping hints. Tell her the number of people you are comfortable hosting in your place and tell her that she has to either cut the guest list or it will have to be in the party room. This situation with the cake is so odd. I feel like you can just ignore that and hope she doesn’t bring it up again because that’s pretty ridiculous.

I agree about being firm no more hints. I know you did not ask this but did you consider having the event in an event room at a restaurant? Often there is no fee.....just a suggestion! Props to you for hosting!

Tuesday she called me to express her concerns about the apartment complex and I told her we should cut the guest list if she wanted to have it at someone’s house. I told her to let me know what she wanted to do and then she called the other bridesmaid behind my back (the one in the apartment) and they somehow agreed that the party room is out.

Orange crush I have looked into for other events but because I live in a bigger city the food and drinks are expensive.

View Quoted Comment Ugh, that’s crazy. In that case it would be totally fair to tell her that hosting the shower is getting more complicated than you expected and you actually won’t have the time or funds to do it!

Hey sorry I didn’t call you back I had a million things going on this week. I heard you talked to xxx about the shower. I feel like having at her apartment complex would be the best solution for the number of people you want to invite. If you don’t want to have it there for whatever reason that’s totally fine but then I think we would need to keep it to like 25 people in order to have it at my house. We were going to have a meeting Tuesday to discuss food, drinks, games and stuff but it didn’t end up happening because the tile guy was coming over so we haven’t decided specifically on what we will be serving. Not to worry it will be great.

My response above. Still to passive aggressive?

Sounds like your house is being remodeled and you may not be able to host it there either, hint hint. Maybe look into a meeting room or community center if not a banquet room at a restaurant. Are the other bridesmaids contributing financial or aware of their financial obligation as co-host. People tend to think differently when they have to open their wallets. I would be upfront with her about your concerns but have solutions readily available.

You can rent a room at a venue for a day... since other bridesmaids are helping maybe they can chip in for food. Sounds like she really wants a nice shower. You just have to find a place in your budget. There are lots of places you rent space from.

If a bride is totally unwilling to accept the fact that someone who offers a shower is the ONLY one who decides how many guests to have maximum, and the type of shower, home versus free community space vs.paid venue, then you are completely released from your promise to hold a shower. In any area of life, including weddings, it is extremely poor manners for a guest of honor to dictate conditions to the party hostess. If she is not happy with the plan you as hostess are offering, she may decline your offer entirely. But to try to get you to plan for more people than your initial space or budget, is the equivalent of handing a gift back to the giver and saying, I want a far more costly gift with features A,B, & C. Go buy it for me. Unacceptable rudeness. At this point, the right thing to do is not to give in to her demands. Politely say, or sent a written note ( emails ok, nit text) that says, I offered to host a shower for you, but since you are not interested in what I offered, I will no longer make any party plans . . Don't worry that she may get mad at you. People who feel entitled to make demand someone upgrade their gifts, usually is pretty self focused, and won't like not controlling things. But if she has even the most rudimentary sense of etiquette, she will graciously say she understands, and still be friends. If she blows up at you, that tells you she only thinks of you as a subordinate to provide her with what she wants. In which case, she is no friend to begin with. Let the others who were willing to help know that you have withdrawn your offer of a shower, and wish them success in any plans they make. Sometimes friendships run their course and die. Sad. But what this hinges on is you made a generous offer, and she demanded more. So if this is a friendship she wants, she will be nice. If not, well you find out now she does not value your relationship.

View Quoted Comment Nobody has to rent a venue for a shower. The host chooses and if the bride doesn’t accept what is offered, then she gets nothing.

View Quoted Comment 100% agree with all of this.

View Quoted Comment

I think that's a good response. She has two options and she already turned one down so she has to cut the guest list. Period.

My self and the other bridesmaids just don’t have money to have it at an actual venue or restaurant. I’m the MOH in a second wedding three weeks after hers and that one is also a destination that requires a two night hotel stay. Its pretty standard in my circle that the shower is held at someone’s house which is why I agreed to host. I think I will give it one more shot to try and reason with her before I step down as host.

The thing is that she is not this type of person normally AT ALL. She is normally super chill but when it comes to wedding stuff so far she has been acting rude and entitled about a lot of things.

Sometimes it takes a little wake up call to get someone back into real world normal behavior. A nice long confidential chat would nicely resolve things if she is saved with the choice, what matters, our friendship or getting only what she wants. But bottom line needs to be, adding 40% more guests, which requires venue fees and paid food service. 35 guests plus bride, hostess, any WP members, is likely 40, next to your planned 25 person homestyle, the difference would be maybe 500 dollars or more for a small lunch, or tea/ light supper. Asking too much. Also point out that as this is a lesser party than the wedding, you may have the option of casual style invitations by telephone. This means, you start by calling the first 20+ on your invitation list. And as you get a yes, no, or maybe , you add a person to replace each decline. There is not the formality and common rules of a wedding, and as everyone will be called within a week of time, max, no issues of B listing. Imagine, bride, if MOH you have gone to enormous extra trouble and expense, and only 21 of 35 want to attend? Worth damaging a friendship? But I'm the end if she won't give in, don't cave and get in over your head financially. Or you will resent her, and be paying it off for quite a while. And no true friend puts you through that.

Wow, I would never dream of making requests to my MOH for the shower. I haven’t asked any questions about it. I like your response but I’d change this part to be less passive:

If you don’t want to have it there, that’s totally fine but then to comfortably host it at my house we can only have 25 people max.

I would be blunt and say it’s either at the apartment complex or she needs to cut the guest list so you can comfortably fit in your home. As for the dress cake, I’ve made one out of cupcakes before that was simple so don’t over think it. You’re the host, it’s nice that your considering her input but she’s not a cohost so she doesn’t have much control.

So here's the thing about her guest list being more than you thought, are those her must haves? If so it's SO unfair of you to tell
her she can't have everyone. Your planning it but it's HER party. The people who are closest to her should be there, all of them, period.
Your house can't hold all those people fine. Do it at the community room and hold your ground on that. Decorate it nice and it'll have to do.
Also the cake, I'd that's her one request besides who's coming to celebrate HER, do it! My friend had one with cupcakes shaped like a cake. It was so cute and I'm sure not super expensive.
Shes allowed to tell you what she dreams of HER party to be like and as a friend you should take her thoughts and feelings into consideration. I understand the she shouldn't be planning it sentiment, but she has preferences, so talk to her about them and come up with a situation you can both agree on.