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Just Said Yes February 2019

Help! Too Much In-law Input, but they are footing the bill!

Linday, on February 18, 2018 at 12:38 AM Posted in Planning 0 17

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Let me start by saying this:
1. My FH husband and I will be paying for some of the wedding, but his parents will be footing most of our wedding (which I appreciate immensely!)
2. I have some social anxiety and wanted a small intimate wedding of like immediate family and a few close friends (I would be fine with eloping) and don't want 80 people staring at me while I express my love and devotion to the love of my life.
With that being said, I have a small amount of family (15) that would come. My FH has so much family and family friends it's ridiculous lol. Anyways FMIL gave me her "definite invites" guest list and it turns our 48 person guest list ( I compromised to have a 50 person wedding for my FH) into like an 80-85 people guest list. Her list includes like cousins FH never talks to or sees and their plus one. It also includes like my future in laws's friends and their significant others. She says they have to be invited since she was invited all their kids' weddings (even though many of these "friends" they only see like once every 2-3 months and yes, they live locally). I have never even met some of the couples and cousins! So since they are footing the bill, I feel obligated to make them happy, but it is starting to be at my expense. My FH understands my reservations and agrees that some of his mom's guests don't really need an invite, but he is also worried about offending his extended family members if they don't receive an invite. Also, my future father in-law has way too many opinions and seems to think he should be included in planning. Like he shot down a venue that will be touring tomorrow because it says it's in the middle of nowhere (we live in Tampa Bay, FL and the venue is in Brandon which is East towards the middle of the state). He thinks we should have it somewhere there is a thriving nightlife for after the wedding reception (he has ADHD and always wants to be out doing stuff). I don't really care if he or the guests don't have a place to party after out reception lol (is that selfish? Lol). This venue is a beautiful whimsical garden and if I love it, I want to book it! Did any of you have this issue with the in-laws and how did you address it? I don't want to be having a panic attack during one of the most special moments of my life. I also don't want to pass up on my dream venue to please his annoying Dad. I appreciate their help financially and I don't want to just take their money and disregard their wishes, but I also don't want my wedding to turn into this "monster". Any advice would be appreciated! Sorry for the long post!

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Linday, on February 18, 2018 at 4:05 PM

Super September 2019
Will & Tiara · on February 18, 2018 at 12:44 AM
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Egads! This is a hard one. The rule of thumb is that whomever is paying should have significant input. I agree with you though - it is your wedding and you should have it where you want it. I can only say to his parents (and your hubby should be in agreement and join you in this conversation) that you wanted a small wedding. However, since they are paying and you want to make them happy, the only requirement is that you and hubby CHOOSE THE VENUE! If they continue to "shoot you down," then say you appreciate their help, but you both decided that you will pay for your own wedding and you will only be inviting "x" amount of guests from their side. At the end of the day, you may need to pay for it so that you can have peace of mind and happiness on one of best days of your life. Be sure to discuss (and not fight) with your fiance. Unless you both are on the same page, this will never work and someone will be forcing their will on your wedding day. Who knows? You let them get away with this, they may be forcing their will on your lives and how you raise your children. Put your foot down NOW, even if it means postponing so you can save for your own wedding...your own way!
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Just Said Yes February 2019
Linday · on February 18, 2018 at 12:54 AM
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True. I guess if I could actually get my dream venue, then maybe I wouldn't mind if 80 people were staring at me. And it never even occurred to me about how they might be "setting a tone" for when we have kids. We have never been in a position like this with them so their "somewhat overbearing" nature has never really shown. I guess we should decide what part of the wedding is something we absolutely want and I could request that this be "untouched" by them in exchange for their other wishes. Thank you
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VIP July 2018
The Nuptials · on February 18, 2018 at 12:57 AM
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Say no to the money and do what you can with what you can afford. That’s is the only way out of this. If his dad isn’t interested in paying for that venue, then you shouldn’t even go visit It. While unfortunate this is their perk for paying.
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Dedicated September 2020
Mari · on February 18, 2018 at 1:15 AM
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To avoid all future drama and disagreements I’d turn down the money, talk to my FH and look at our budget and go from there; it’s crazy when it’s your special day, and you have to worry about pleasing people.
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Expert February 2018
Kiersten · on February 18, 2018 at 1:36 AM
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I would turn down the money Everytime. I loathe the concept that whoever is paying gets a significant say. Paying for the wedding is supposed to be a gift from the parents to the child. They should have very little or no say in how a gift is utilized.

It's YOUR wedding. You only get one first time at this. Don't ruin your day and subsequently your memories because of their gift with enormous ties. Consider turning down the money, plan a wedding that you and your fiance dream of and then go live happily ever after.
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Super June 2019
Katie · on February 18, 2018 at 2:07 AM
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Yes the only real way to handle this is to turn down the money. It's the only way to justify having the wedding you want. If they're paying for it then you have to listen to what they want. I would put my mental health first before accepting money for a wedding I didn't want. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It makes me so grateful for my dad, he's paying for most of our wedding but he keeps telling me to do whatever we want. Good luck!
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Just Said Yes February 2019
Linday · on February 18, 2018 at 2:32 AM
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It seems like that is the only way to keep my special day special. I am fine with turning down the money and having a small wedding on the beach or something. I will have to discuss it with my fiance. I think, when he sees how pushy his parents are getting, he will be more willing to accept my ideal intimate wedding. His parents have two other children's weddings they can control so hopefully they won't be upset about it. I am happy that you have such a supportive and loving Dad that is making sure you have a perfect day exactly the way you want it! I guess I got so wrapped up in making everyone happy, I forgot that this day is about my fiance and I, so our wedding should represent us! Thank you ladies! Hearing it from others makes it feel like the right choice and that I am not just being a bridezilla or something. If they won't allow me to have a special wedding where I feel comfortable, then it's up to my fiance and I to make sure that happens with what money we have!
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Super September 2018
Gipperkm · on February 18, 2018 at 3:02 AM
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I keep reading that if the parents are paying then they have a say in everything. That is such a ridiculous concept to me! I agree with Kierston. Paying for a wedding is a gift parents give to their child. It doesn't mean they get a say in everything. My parents are paying for our wedding and thank goodness they aren't taking control.

As far as big families go, that can be a tough one. My FH has a big family, so I totally understand. We just explained to his mom that we didn't want a huge wedding and people had to be cut. We said the same thing to my parents.

Sorry you're going through all of this. If you feel like you can't reason with the in-laws and they won't back down, then don't take the money. This is your wedding. You should be able to have the wedding of YOUR dreams.
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VIP August 2018
Alforev · on February 18, 2018 at 7:30 AM
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The only way truly out of this is turning down the money and paying yourself. Unfortunately, when someone else is paying they have a say. As far as the guest list goes, your FH seems to want to invite his extended family and if he wants them there, then I would say you need to let him have that say. This is his wedding too and he should be able to have who he wants there. The two of you need to compromise. Weddings are not very long and you don’t want to cause drama over the people that are there especially if it’s what your FH wants. Trust me, I know the feeling because my family is about 12 people total and my FH has over 30 family members with plus ones... some families are just bigger than others and you need to let him decide from his side who he wants there.

Regarding the venue, again talk to your FH to find out what he wants. I know you keep saying what your dream venue is, but what is his? Again, there has to be a compromise made and he needs to talk to his family about his desires. Since the money is coming from them, I’m sure they care slightly more about his opinion since he’s their son. If he wants the same venue you do, then he can probably sway his parents. The only way out of having to do that is turning down the money.
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Devoted May 2018
Anna · on February 18, 2018 at 8:55 AM
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I disagree with the notion that bc they pay you do what they say- it’s absurd. i’d just say you’re sorry but you truly want to stick to a 50 person limit & that you want it at this location bc it’s your dream. if they have issues i’d just say that you’ll just elope then. it may be hard to do but the day is about you & your fh not the extended family & friends, etc. it may be somewhat tough but stick to it. i know i’m getting pushed to invite more people & im paying for everything so weddings just make people a bit crazy sometimes & it sounds to me like your focus is where it should be. i wish you the best & hope you get what you truly want!
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Master December 2016
Elizabeth · on February 18, 2018 at 9:32 AM
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Wait, why is it absurd that people who pay have say? They absolutely do! It's their hard-earned money being used and if they think a venue isn't worth the price or if they think certain family members need to be invited to an event THEY are hosting, they absolutely get to make that determination. That's what happens when you fork over tens of thousands of dollars -- you get to say what happens to it. The way around that is to pay for your own wedding and move on.
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Super October 2017
stephanie · on February 18, 2018 at 11:08 AM
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Exactly this.
If I'm ever putting a ton of money toward something, you better believe I'll expect a say in how it's spent. And like every other aspect of life, if I disagree with your choices I'm not going to want to finance them! The fact that it's for a wedding doesn't change that.
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Super October 2017
stephanie · on February 18, 2018 at 11:11 AM
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OP, have you considered what you care about most, and can you negotiate for that? Ex. What if you did a small private ceremony with immediate family only in this venue you love, and then have a bigger reception later in a more high-energy area where guests could go out afterward? Would your in laws entertain that idea, and would that make you happy?
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Just Said Yes February 2019
Linday · on February 18, 2018 at 4:05 PM
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Update to my original post:
Thank you ladies for your replies! You all have been so quick to respond and I appreciate all your advice!
So my fiance hasn't been very forthcoming with any of his wedding wants or ideas recently. He didn't realize how quick Spring venues in Florida go and that we have to book a venue now for Spring 2019 ( many Florida venues don't even book summer weddings because it gets so freaking hot here). He thought we had way more time. After touring a venue today and seeing that they barely had any Spring weekend days left, he now has been discussing his wedding ideas. He agrees with keeping the wedding 50 people or under and doesn't mind leaving some extended family members out. With that being said, today I put my foot down with my in-laws. I got overwhelmed and upset today when his Dad kept pushing a beach wedding on us (I finally realized I want a garden, rustic chic, romantic whimsical type wedding and my fiance agreed 💯). I asked my fiance if he cared if we turned the money down and paid for a small wedding ourselves and he told me it was fine! We told them that we don't want their money if my fiance and I can't pick the venue that we get that "special Vibe" from. We told them, if they wanted to help financially that we would make sure to abide by their budget and make sure the venue was worth it and that we aren't just squandering their financial gift away. I explained that I value their input and didn't mind allowing them to have more decision making power when it came to like the catering and such, but that the venue must be our decision! They agreed to back off and told us that they wanted to help pay for it and wanted us to be happy! We were also given the option to host a 2nd "reception" up in Michigan for my FIL's extended family who wouldn't be invited to the wedding!!! It was an uncomfortable discussion at first, but you were all right, it was a necessary discussion to have now before this whole wedding planning was ruined! We will see if they stick to this agreement, otherwise a small self-funded wedding it will be! Thank you all for your advice! I am happy I downloaded this app and decided to use the forums!
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